Parental Guidance: Adoption Movie Guide

Artie and Diane Decker have not seen their daughter, Alice, and her family for nearly a year. They travel across the country to babysit Harper, Turner, and Barker so that Alice and her husband Phil can travel together. Diane is determined to win the love of her grandchildren, and Artie eventually warms up to the idea. However, Alice and Phil are very particular about how their children should be raised. 

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

Many adoptions are completed within families. Grandparent adoptions are not uncommon. Parental Guidance isn’t about grandparent adoption, it’s just about kids being babysat by their grandparents for a week, getting used to them, and starting to love them. Still, some of the pertinent issues to grandparent adoption are present – or at least, sort of present. Artie, Diane, and the kids need to adjust to their new relationships – instead of being far-off, out-of-touch relatives, Artie and Diane are now responsible for the children. They’re stuck with the very real task of balancing their own adjustment to the kids, their desire to develop a positive-feeling relationship with the kids, and the need to provide the structure that the kids need.

 

Strong Points

Parental Guidance does have the potential to open conversations about family dynamics, which is particularly important in cases of same-family adoption, but also in regular life. Artie and Diane are scared of being judged by Phil and Alice – they feel as though Phil and Alice disapprove of them. Interestingly, Alice fears their disapproval.

Alice and Phil are super-busy. They barely have time for their children, and have no time for each other. Diane reminds Alice of the importance of her marriage.

Phil and Alice appear to raise sheltered but highly-driven children. In one scene, Alice’s daughter Harper is upset that she cannot attend a party on the eve of an audition. Harper explodes, “I hate you and I wish anyone else was my mother.” Later, Alice allows Harper to skip out on the audition, since Harper did not want to do it in the first place. Harper takes back her hateful words.

By the end of the movie, Artie and Alice are able to communicate with each other about their feelings. We are also given insight into Artie’s father, and can see that, although Artie wasn’t a perfect father, he did make improvements over his father’s parenting style. It’s quite true that some changes in family dynamics take multiple generations to accomplish. I was surprised to see something that profound alluded to in a movie that featured a song about constipation.

 Weak Points

Artie is a piece of work. He encourages an eight-year-old to fight another boy, puts his own career in front of the safety of his youngest grandchild, and suggests that a woman is too ugly for her fiancé.  Artie regularly bribes the children to behave, and also bribes them to keep secrets from their parents. Artie threatens to spank one of the children for misbehaving, and raises his hand to strike him before stopping. He explains that the he would not have struck the child, but that the threat was effective because the child did not know he would not be struck.

Some toilet humor might be offensive to some families, and Diane’s reasonably modest pole-dancing exercise routine might also be a bit much for young kids. A child is mocked for stuttering.

Questions for Discussion after the movie

What challenges would grandparents face if they had to inherit the role (or at least the function) of “parent”?

Parents typically do need to balance “fun” and “structure.” In what ways might the balancing act be more difficult for foster/adoptive parents who are parenting older kids? Is it any different if the foster/adoptive parents are also the kids’ grandparents?

Which relationships in your extended family have “cooled down” lately? Why? Which one might be helped by an open, mutual expression of feelings?

You might also enjoy:

Adoption Movie Review of Superman

AdoptionMovie Review of Superman 2

Adoption Movie Review of Angels in the Outfield

Want to know when more movie reviews are posted? LikeAdoption At The Movies on Facebook or Follow Us on Twitter.

Perfect Moment Monday: A Brief but Happy Meeting

Lori at Lavender Luz encourages us to find the perfect moments in our day-to-day life; moments that just happen, rather than moments that are prefabricated. It’s an exercise in choosing to observe and acknowledge the good in our lives, even when the bad things seem to scream at a louder volume.

Chris was adopted by his grandparents; I had been his foster care social worker years ago, when he was an infant. Years later, his grandparents brought him by my office, unexpectedly. He was happy, healthy, talking, and walking. Their visit was short and unexpected, but it brightened my day to know that things worked out for him. His grandparents and his former foster parents became friends and both committed  to love and support Chris. The few moments of that visit, years later, were perfect moments because they showed that everything worked out.

For more (and longer!) feel-good reading, you might like to revisit my other Perfect Moment Monday posts:

·         A Child Gets Out of Foster Care

·         A Child is Listened To

Or visit Lori’s page,  Lavender Luz .

·         All case stories are fictionalized combinations of several histories, altered for confidentiality.

Meet the Robinsons: Adoption Movie Guide

On a sepia-toned rainy night a woman, obscured by shadow and hood and fearful of being seen, hugs her bundled infant one last time and leaves him on the doorstep of the Sixth Street Orphanage. Twelve years later, Lewis has sat through 124 adoption interviews, none of which resulted in his adoption. He almost gives up hope.  Through the magic of Disney, Lewis travels twenty years into the future to meet the loving family that will eventually be his. He returns to his regular life with his hope restored.  The movie ends as Lewis is adopted by his new, lovably weird parents.

  

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

Lewis shares an orphanage room with Mike, and both boys sit through interviews with prospective adoptive parents. Scenes from several of Lewis’ interviews show him optimistically sharing his inventions with prospective adoptive parents. None of them adopt him, and eventually Lewis loses his optimism.

One scene is loaded with adoption content. Lewis is sad after an unsuccessful interview. Mildred follows him and affirms that the family’s choice is not Lewis’ fault. Lewis responds that he’s almost 13, and that being a teenager makes being adopted less likely.  He feels as though no one wants him – not even his birth mother.  Mildred suggests that his birth mother loved him, and may have wanted to keep him, but couldn’t. Lewis latches on to this, and says, “My real mother is the only person who ever wanted me.” His desire to belong somewhere fuels his desire to find her, and his desire find her drives the movie. Lewis is eventually adopted.

Strong Points

Mildred, the orphanage director, is loving and positive. This is rare in movie portrayals of orphanage directors! Mildred smiles lovingly at Lewis when she first seems him, as an infant on her doorstep. Twelve years and 124 adoption interviews later, Mildred still believes in Lewis and shows her belief in him. Before an interview she tells him, “Go show them how special you are.”

The movie highlights the benefit of persistence. Lewis is adopted, even after 124 unsuccessful adoption interviews. One of his inventions took over 900 tries, but he finally got it right. His adoptive family celebrates failures for the lessons learned, and his own motto is “Keep Moving Forward.”

Teaching Gratefulness

I recently guest-posted on FamiliesOnlineMagazine.com about three ways to help your children develop a sense of gratefulness. Gratefulness is a mindset, not just manners. While it's not an adoption post, I'd sure appreciate you checking it out & giving feedback

Manners or Mindset: Three Ways to Help your Kids be Grateful.

Also, I'm working on adoption movie reviews for Parental Guidance, Meet The Robinsons, and Batman Begins. Coming soon to a blog near you...

Martin Luther King Jr. and Foster Care Adoption

I've never seen the overt discrimination against which Dr. King worked. I was born in the 80's, and where I grew up, he was celebrated. So much has been accomplished and should be celebrated.

There is more yet to do. Fully equal treatment hasn't arrived. Because my focus is so often on foster care adoption, I can't help but thinking of that world when I think about Dr. King. Children of non-White ethnicity end up in foster care disproportionally more than simple demographic statistics would suggest. If they can't reunify, children who aren't  White have a harder time finding an adoptive family. Some families that do desire to adopt children of different cultures or races are unaware of the importance of that child's culture and unaware of the experiences that the child will have because of their race. Overt discrimination is mostly gone -- but covertly, it still happens.

One thing I know: older kids of every culture are waiting in foster care for a family to live with forever. Kids of every age who are part of sibling sets - or who are not White - or who have some special need - are also waiting in foster care for a family to live with forever.

I have a dream - or at least a wish - that one day, children will be either reunified with their families or adopted out of foster care. But that they won't languish in foster care. A dream that they will not be judged by the color of their skin - or their age - or their special needs -- but by the content of their character and by their worth as children created in the image of God.

Maybe you can help.

More movie reviews coming soon.

Dr. King's speech

Book Review: Successful Foster Care Adoption

As a social worker who’s primarily worked in the field of foster care/adoption, I appreciate this book. There aren't many about foster care adoption, and foster-care adoption may be where adoptive parents are most needed. Beasley's book asks prospective foster-adoption parents to evaluate their own preparedness for adoption through a thorough workbook. She advises individuals to practice mindfulness, believing that in doing so they will become better capable of being excellent parents. Sections on parenting children of trauma and on cultural awareness and sensitivity offer good wisdom; she notes that racism and prejudice are still realities and that children will experience them in the world even if parents believe that they personally are "color-blind." She encourages parents whose children have experienced trauma to parent from a place of understanding the child's experiences and needs, rather than parenting based solely on reaction to observed behaviors. In both instances, Beasley encourages a realistic, child-focused, proactive, thoughtful approach.

Beasley's outline of the fost-adopt process seems unintentionally specific to her home state, and a serious concern is that reunification isn't mentioned enough. Placement with extended birth family members seems like something to be feared as a barrier to adoption rather than the joyous maintenance of family ties. I could see prospective fost-adopt parents finishing this book and not realizing that reunification or placement with an extended birth family member is often preferable to adoption. A second serious shortfall is that the book does not address the place of openness in foster care-originated adoptions; adoptees from foster care can gain much from ongoing contact with members of their birth family.

Beasley writes in an accessible, friendly manner and incorporates many examples and case studies to illustrate her points. The book reads like a casual discussion with an experienced foster parent. I applaud her emphasis on parents espousing a child-focused point of view. This book does have some shortcomings with regard to openness, and I encourage readers of the book to question the way in which extended birth family placement and post-adoption openness are (and aren't) addressed in the book. The book also succeeds in making foster-care adoption feel understandable and accessible while at the same time encouraging prospective foster and adoptive parents to consider the child's history, feelings and needs beyond their own. It's a worthwhile book to read if you're considering foster adoption, and could help you decide whether foster adoption is an avenue through which you could serve kids.

Too Single For Foster Care or Adoption?

On Wednesday, I wrote about older foster/adoptive parents. Today, let's look at another question often asked by people considering foster care and adoption.

Sometimes people ask, "I'm single. Can I still adopt or foster?" States and countries vary on whether unmarried people may adopt – so do check in your area. But the question people ask isn’t just one of legality. It’s more, “should I consider adoption or fostering, even though I’m single?” Behind this question is the underlying belief (or pseudo-belief) that a two-parent family is better for children than a one-parent family. That’s not necessarily true. The character of life in the home is more important than the number of adults in the home. A solid, loving, nurturing, stable one-parent home is far healthier and happier than a two-parent home where life is characterized by instability, unkindness, violence, ridicule or neglect. Sometimes, a loving one-parent home will be preferable to a loving two-parent home; some children who have experienced trauma or abuse have difficulty feeling safe around people of one gender or another. A single-parent home might be an easier setting in which children with that need could feel safe.

photo: flickr.com (Johan Larsson)

Over several years as a foster care / adoption social worker, I've met some excellent people. Two of the strongest foster parents I met were single women. Jamie*, in her late twenties, adopted several children. Her extended family was very supportive of her and her new children, and she stuck with the kids through easy times and hard times. Jamie’s love has been foundational for her kids’ thriving, and has extended to the kids’ birth family. This young, single foster mom has been a part of creating a successful, healthy, particularly open adoption.

photo: flickr.com (amslerPIX)

 Another strong foster parent with whom I had the privilege of working was Judith*. A pastor in her late 60’s, Judith felt called by God to open her home up to children. She did not adopt, but did provide a loving, positive, supportive, and structured home to many young boys and girls who needed the stability during a turbulent time in their lives.


 Jamie and Judith changed the world for the children whose lives they touched. Through Jamie, several siblings have been able to exit foster care and have a large, loving family to call their own. Because of Judith, many kids have experienced stability and positive affirmation during the particularly difficult life transition of being in foster care.

If it’s in your heart to help kids through fostering or adoption, don’t let singleness stop you.


 *Names changed


Want to know when new movie guides are posted? Like Adoption At The Movies on Facebook or Follow Me on Twitter


You might also like:

Adoption Movie Guide of Les Miserables 

Getting Out of Foster Care

Have Adoptions in American Been Historically Open or Closed?

Too Old for Adoption?

A few friends have asked whether they’re too old to adopt or foster. Their heart is for children, but they wonder if, now that their own children are grown, they are too old to serve in this way.

Are you too old to adopt? Probably not. While age restrictions vary from State to State, the most common requirement is that a foster parent be at least a certain age (I’ve seen 21 and 25), and that an adopting parent has to be at least ten years older than the adoptee.

Your luck might not be so good in international adoptions; countries sometimes have “caps” on how old an applicant can be. Foster care and domestic adoptions don’t generally have such a cap.

It probably helps to have some real numbers. Two of the strongest foster parents I’ve worked with were single women in their early 70’s. Each had raised children (maybe even grandchildren), but still had the energy, the health, and the desire to provide structure, love, and nurturing to children and teens. Their life experience helped them navigate the difficulties involved in foster care, and I think their ages might have helped them avoid battles with social workers. We all knew that they had more experience than us!

The oldest adopting parent I’ve worked with was a few years short of 70, and was married to a late 50’s-year-old. They were foster parents to a young boy and when it turned out that he needed to be adopted, they volunteered and were approved.

If you’ve got some energy to spare, decent health, love of kids, and joy in life, then you’re not too old for foster care adoption.

Did you know that the question “too old for adoption” gets applies to kids, too? Dave Thomas Foundation has put out a powerful, two minute video:

So what do you think? Why not adopt an older kid from foster care, and prove that neither of you are too old for adoption.

---

You might also be interested in

Openness in Adoption

What Kids in Foster Care Need

A Kid Gets Out of Foster Care

Want to know when more adoption movie guides come out? Like Adoption At The Movies on Facebook or Follow Me on Twitter.

Adoption Movie Guide: Despicable Me

Gru is a moderately successful super-villain. He has designs on stealing the moon, but to do so he needs to get a shrink ray which is kept safe in the lair of Vector, a rival super-villain. Gru cannot access it, but notices that three orphan girls are able to walk into Vector’s lair to sell cookies. Gru quickly adopts the girls, and steals the shrink ray while the girls are busy transacting their cookie sale with Vector. Gru begins to care about the girls, but returns them to the orphanage in order to focus on his criminal career. He quickly changes his mind and re-claims them. The story of Gru and crew is not without strength (making a children's book about your family is a great idea), but overall, this movie’s got lots of adoption problems.

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

Margo, Edith, and Agnes are three young girls living at Miss Hattie’s orphanage. They very much want to be adopted. Gru adopts them, returns them, and takes them again. He writes a kid’s book for them to express his grief at returning them and to declare his permanent love for them.

Strong Points

We are given good insight into Gru’s development into a villain. His mother was very negative towards him, encouraged him to do wrong, and did not share in his dreams. The film creatively shows how this has shaped him. We’re all influenced by our upbringings. Eventually, though, Gru chooses to do good and his mother commends him.

Adoption Movie Guide: Les Miserables

Jean Valjean has served years in prison for stealing bread, under the watchful eye of prison guard Javert. At the conclusion of his sentence Valjean is released. Javert warns him that he must carry papers with him identifying him as a dangerous person. He is required to report to parole officers regularly. His papers make finding work or lodging very difficult, but a priest takes Valjean in and shows him mercy. Touched by this, Valjean dedicates his life to God and to mercy. He throws away his probation papers, assumes a new identity, skips parole, leaves town, and becomes a benevolent factory owner and mayor in a town far away. Javert is assigned to Valjean’s town, and recognizes him. Much of Les Mis is centered on Valjean and Javert, but in between scenes with Javert, Valjean takes compassion on a destitute, dying woman, rescues and raises her child as his own, and sees the girl marry a young revolutionary.  

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

After Valjean skips town, he becomes the mayor of the same town in which he owns a successful business. Fantine, a young woman, worked in Valjean’s factory in order to support her daughter, but she was wrongfully fired and had to pursue income in dangerous and degrading ways. Valjean finds her and acts mercifully towards her. As she dies, he promises to find and care for her daughter, Cosette. Valjean finds her at home of the innkeepers to whom Fantine had entrusted her. They have mistreated her. Valjean rescues her, raises her, and sees her marry an idealistic young man. He dies in a monastery with Cosette and her husband present.

Strong Points

Valjean shows unconditional love to Fantine and to Cosette. He is selfless, and through his work, many lives are made better. He is pained when Cosette falls in love and intends to marry, but researches her beloved, finds him worthy, and helps him in an hour of need. Valjean is a strong example of the good that one person can accomplish, including adopting and loving an orphan.

Adoption Movie Guide: Superman 2: The Donner Cut

I recently wrote an Adoption Movie Review of Superman 2. On the advice of several friends, I revisited the movie, but watched “The Donner Cut” instead. This version includes much footage that was omitted from the original cut, and fixes several plot failures. It was a much more enjoyable film, but it retained many of the original cut’s unfortunate messages about adoptee culture.

In both cuts of Superman 2, Superman feels the need to deny his Kryptonian identity. In both cuts, Superman’s birth family discourages him from blending his Earth and Kryptonian identities. They seem to deny that he has an Earth-based identity. In this cut, Superman’s father Jor-El explains the reason: It would be selfish of Superman to enjoy his Earth-based identity. Instead of falling in love with an Earth woman, Superman must find happiness in service. As in the original cut, Superman chooses to fall in love, even though to do so, he is required by his birth parents to give up his strength (and identity) as a Kryptonian. In this cut, Superman is shown later, lamenting his choice. He explains that he has “traded my birthright for a life of submission.” He calls out to Jor-El, who responds that Superman “made a mistake… of your own free will despite my attempts.” Jor-El then explains that he saw this mistake coming, and will basically, give his life to allow Superman to reverse the effects of his selfish decision.  Superman will never see his father again, but he is restored to being fully Kryptonian. He then erases his choice to be human, and continues living life on Earth, as a full Kryptonian who is only disguised as an Earth man.

This aspect of the film mirrors the conflict some adoptees – and children in foster care – may feel. If I embrace the culture and identity of my new family, have I betrayed my original culture and my original family? It’s a real question which adoptees must work to answer. But this movie gets the answer wrong. A message Superman receives from his parents through the first movie and both cuts of this one is this: you’re not like them, and if you want to be like them, you can’t be like us.  Superman sometimes seems to want to embrace all aspects of his identity. In this series, it’s the birth parents who discourage him. In real life, it’s often the adopting family that fails to facilitate, or even discourages, integration. And so, Superman never integrates his identities. He is always either Kal-El, Clark Kent, or Superman. But never all of them at the same time.