Flowchart - How to Help Kids in Foster Care

I made this flow chart for Adoption Resources of Wisconsin to celebrate Foster Care Month. I wanted to share it with you!

Do you have any involvement to foster care? I'd love to know!

The Power of Words: HBO Documentary First Comes Love: A Single Woman's Journey through Fertility Treatments to Parenthood

HBO’s two-hour documentary, First Comes Love, debuts tonight. It shares director Nina Davenport’s journey as a single woman through fertility treatments towards parenthood. She has watched her peers and younger friends and family have children. She was especially affected by the birth of her niece, over a decade ago. She has wanted to marry and have children, but has never found the right man. And she recently turned 40, which has made her reassess her life.

First Comes Love documents Davenport’s journey – initially seeking advice and support from family and friends, asking a friend to be a sperm donor, going through fertility treatments, giving birth, and raising her child. The documentary isn’t about adoption, nor is it about infertility per se, but many adoptive and prospective adoptive parents have experiences with infertility, and I think there are several intersections between this film and the experiences of many parents who eventually adopt. It will likely be an emotional ride for any viewer who has gone through fertility treatments.

Nina explains, “Seemingly everyone on earth has managed to marry and procreate, except me.” Viewers might find the advice and concerns given to Nina as painfully familiar. An uncle asks whether he will be expected to fill the father role. Her father tells her that her idea is ridiculous. Other friends complain to her that parenting is hard work, seeming to suggest that she should be grateful for not having children.  Single adoptive parents might cringe with recognition at the question asked bluntly by a child, “Why would you want to have a baby without a husband?” Another family member reminds her that children are expensive. When Nina’s father learns that she is pregnant, his initial advice to her is, “get an abortion.” The film reminds me how much pain can be caused by careless, tactless, or even well-intentioned words. Adoption is an emotionally complex issue surrounded by scores of other emotionally complex issues. Many people impacted by adoption have strong feelings and opinions, and it is so easy for us to vent our feelings and hurt each where sensitivity and grace on all sides could do so much good. 

One of Nina’s friends doesn’t offer advice, but instead helps her synthesize her own feelings with everything she’s heard – the challenges you see are logistical, but your motivation is a desire to love. 

Martian Child gives a pretty good look at the feedback given to a single man as he considers adoption. Some people express concerns, but ultimately support him. Thankfully, Nina’s family accepts her child – who really does grow up to be a playful, curious and happy kid. Nina experiences the transition from “parenthood as an imagined ideal” to “parenthood as actual routines.”

The film does raise some thoughts…

For the adopting parties:

-          Why do you want to be a parent? Why are you choosing this path to parenthood?

-          Do you have support systems in place to help you on the journey?

-          If you are pursuing infertility treatments, realize that the fruit of your efforts isn’t just “parenthood,” it’s also the creation of a real, live human being.

-          If you are pursuing adoption, realize the child you adopt isn’t a means to parenthood – but a human being with history and life experiences.

-          Like Nina mentions in the film, have you had feelings of jealousy, guilt, resentment, or grief that your parenthood didn’t come “the old fashioned way?” Have you dealt with those feelings?

For friends and family

-          What were your initial reactions when you learned that your loved one was pursuing adoption?

-          What have you told them?

-          Your loved ones are in a difficult season of discernment. Discouraging words can be devastating. Your support can be more meaningful than you know.

 

First Comes Love makes its television debut tonight on HBO at 9:00 EST. 

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Adoption Movie Guide: Monsters University

The sun rises in a suburban town. On this beautiful fall day, a pigeon pecks the ground for fallen seeds. It’s a very peaceful and comforting scene – except the pigeon has two heads. We’re in the world of Monsters, Inc., maybe twenty years before the first film.  Mike Wazowski is a round, green, somewhat geeky and unpopular grade school kid. His class takes a trip to a scare factory, which in Monstropolis is a combination of industry, power generation, and sport. He is awed by the professional scarers and dreams of joining their ranks. One kind scarer recommends that he attend Monsters University. Several years later, he does.

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

Monsters University doesn’t feature adoption in its plot points. Many kids – not just kids in foster or adoptive families – will relate to Mike’s desire to fit in with peers and with his being ostracized for his differences. Mike’s eventual best friend, Sully, is heralded for his membership in a famous family. It is mentioned several times throughout the film, with some characters trying to enter his good graces, and others telling him that he is a disgrace to his family name.

Strong Points

There’s a lot to like about this film; Pixar has made a thoroughly entertaining film that also manages to convey several worthwhile lessons.

Randall is the main antagonist in Monsters Inc. Here, we see him as a college freshman. Nerdy, outcast, and gifted. He gets in with the popular crowd, and they influence him very negatively. It reminds me of Bowler Hat Man in Meet theRobinsons. Kids who feel outcast can let their pain become anger or can let their loneliness drive them to bad company. But Randall and Bowler Hat Man were not the only lonely ones in their film. Meet the Robinsons’ hero, Lewis,  and this film’s Mike Wazowski both were hopeful and perseverant and were able to come through difficult childhoods to become people (or, rather, a person and a monster) of good character.

Students at Monsters University are encouraged to realize that the best way to succeed in life isn’t to be just like everyone else – it’s to embrace your uniqueness and find ways to use it to your advantage.

 

Mike and Sully develop a strong friendship. They apologize to each other.

Mike suffers disappointment when he is unable to become a great scarer. He reflects, “I thought if I wanted it enough,” I could make it happen. This is a surprisingly realistic contradiction to the “wish hard enough and you’ll get it” theme that often shows up in kids’ media. And Mike doesn’t wallow in self-pity. He commits to a long road, doesn’t shrink from starting in menial positions, and eventually finds himself in a job that he loves. I’m really surprised to be able to commend an animated green eyeball as a role model – but here I am doing it.

My wife really liked this: Sully tried to cheat on an exam. He apologizes, but is expelled from college. He suffers the consequence he earned, but does not despair. He works hard, and still manages to have a successful life.  Just like with Mike – there’s no magic, just perseverance and hard work.

 Weak Points

An older college student has joined a fraternity and has become engaged to the mother of one of his fraternity brothers. He tells the younger student to think of him as “a brother who’s marrying your mother.” The line generated laughs in the theater, but might be confusing or troubling for children whose families of origin have been disrupted.   

Recommendation

This one’s worth seeing in the theaters, and maybe buying too. It’ll probably be the biggest hit with kids up to age 9 or 10.

Questions for Discussion after the movie

Which character do you feel most like?

 

Mike and Sully were punished, and suspended (actually expelled) from school. Has that ever happened to you? How did they make their life turn out OK, anyway?

Have you ever really wanted something and didn’t get it? Were you OK afterwards, anyway?

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Adoption Movie Guide: Despicable Me 2 - Gru as a Surprisingly Good Adoptive Dad

The Plot (spoilers ahead)

Former super-villain Gru has changed his colors. He has adopted Margo, Edith and Agnes, and has begun to put their needs in front of his own. Noting his newly-found ethics, the Anti-Villain League recruits Gru to go undercover to stop other villains. He signs up and goes along for the ride. Meanwhile, Margo becomes interested in boys, Edith thinks boys are gross, and Agnes wants a mom.

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

In the first Despicable Me film, Margo, Edith and Agnes were adopted from a horrible orphanage; the director only cared about the girls’ ability to raise money for her program. When Gru adopted them, he was not carefully screened, and he intended to use them to help him commit villainy. I treated DespicableMe harshly in my review. But this film has done much better. It shows a single-parent adoptive family that has moved on with life; the girls know about their adoption, but they’ve resumed a fairly normal life. So has Gru – at least, his life is as normal as it can be for a Steve Carrell-voiced reformed supervillain. Gru acknowledges that his new fatherhood requires him to modify some parts of his life. Also, Agnes is required to recite a Mother’s Day poem for school; as she rehearses it with Gru, she explains, “I don’t even have a mom.” Her confusion – about not having a mom, and about being expected to participate in a school project that isn’t sensitive to her life circumstances – will connect with some viewers.

Strong Points

Gru has become much less selfish, and much less self-centered. He has become a good dad. He even dresses up as a fairy princess for his daughter’s birthday party. Not too many films feature single adoptive or foster dads. Two other good examples: Admission and Mr. Monk and the Kid.

Margo, Edith, and Agnes all appear to be thriving, and their life seems remarkably normal (for having Gru as their dad.)

The movie raises an interesting situation. Gru’s oldest daughter is starting to date. Gru is particularly overprotective. Are adoptive parents more or less likely to be overprotective when their children start dating, or would you expect there to be no direct connection? Weigh in with your thoughts.

 Weak Points

Gru notes that Agnes is having difficulty rehearsing her Mother’s Day lines. She explains, “I don’t even have a mom.” His advice is rushed, and a bit insensitive, “Well, you don’t need one to do the show. Use your imagination.” Agnes suggests that she can pretend she has a mom.

 ***SPOILER ALERT:   

(agnes does get a mom by the end of the film.) 

***** END SPOILER

Recommendation

This film is much better than its predecessor. Despicable Me 2 is a fun and enjoyable film that will probably appeal to kids in the same age group as Gru’s kids – probably about 4 to 12. While adoption themes are not overt in this film (as they were in the first), they are handled much more healthily. This one is worth seeing.

Questions for Discussion after the movie

What makes Gru a good dad?

How do you think Gru is doing at letting Margo date? Is he too protective? Not protective enough?

How do you think Agnes felt when she was rehearsing her lines? What school projects have felt that way for you?

What could Gru have told Agnes when she seemed sad about not having a mom?

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