Top 10 Articles

I really like statistics. As a kid, I would pore over baseball cards. I've done a decent job of not poring over the website stats, but it seems fun to end the year by highlighting the ten most-read articles of the year.

Here they are:

10. The Invisible Red Thread - this documentary shares the story of 15-year-old Vivian, who was adopted from China by a Canadian family. She returns to China to answer some questions about her past, her identity, and her future.

9. Closure - Like The Invisible Red Thread, Closure follows an adoptee as she seeks answers. Angela Tucker was adopted from foster care in a closed adoption. She manages to find her birth family and is ultimately embraced by them. Her filmmaker husband, Bryan, does a remarkable job of capturing her journey.

8. Despicable Me - Supervillain Gru adopts three girls from an orphanage. Although he intends to use them to further his evil schemes, he eventually has a change of heart and begins to care for them.

7. Beasts of the Southern Wild - This powerful, gripping film shows a marginalized community forced to relocate to a more sterile, safer place. It inspires thoughts about the ethics of forced helping, and also inspired a follow-up post, Twelve Things You Can Do to Make Sure Your Adoption is Ethical.

6. Star Wars - Luke Skywalker was raised by his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. He was not told the full truth about his family. He meets his sister under awkward circumstances, and meets his father in a traumatic way. Can adopted persons handle the truth about their history? Don't they have a right to know?

5. What Foster Parents Wish Other People Knew - A post by Sharon Astik on scienceblogs.com that gives fourteen powerful insights into foster-parenthood.

4. The Jungle Book - Disney's classic tale of Mowgli and Baloo has some relevance to cross-cultural adoption. And some very, very catchy songs.

3. 50 Children - An HBO Documentary about a couple that rescued over four dozen children from the Nazis.

2. Despicable Me 2 - Supervillain Gru has turned into an excellent, tender dad. Oh, and he's not a supervillain anymore. Now he tries to stop supervillains. Maybe my favorite film of the year.

1. Nia Vardalos interview - The "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" star adopted her daughter from foster care, wrote a friendly, funny, accessible book about the experience, and then took some time to talk about it.

So, that's it! 2013 in review. Thanks for reading Adoption at the Movies. Happy 2014! My goal for 2014 is going to be a movie review posted every Tuesday (with extra posts on occasion to share about a newly-released or upcoming film, really good books, or thoughts about adoption) See you next year!

Adoption Movie Guide: Santa Clause 2

Family secrets are hard to keep.

Scott Calvin has been Santa Clause for eight years. His teenage son Charlie knows; so do his ex-wife Laura and her husband Neil. Remarkably, Scott, Laura, and Neil have a better-than-civil relationship. Laura’s and Neil’s daughter Lucy thinks of Scott as “Uncle Scott,” and suspects that he might be Santa Clause. However, family secrets are kept and Lucy isn’t told. In fact, she’s told that it’s not true.

Scott finds himself in some trouble; he needs to get married quickly or he will forfeit his status as Santa. Charlie is also having trouble; he acts out through vandalism (even vandalizing his principal’s house!), largely because of his conflicted feelings about his father’s secret identity.

This is a Disney film, though, so Scott ends up marrying Charlie’s principal, and everyone goes away happy.

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

Scott, Laura, and Neil maintain contact with each other. This likely happens in step-parent adoptions , which are one of several main types of adoption, but ongoing contact also happens in grandparent adoptions and other open adoptions.  Family secrets are also present in many different forms of adoption, and they’re a major theme in this film; it’s possible that Charlie’s acting-out behaviors are due to the discomfort he feels with keeping family secrets.

 

Strong Points

The positive, collaborative relationship shared by Scott, Laura, and Neil is exemplary. When Scott is feeling guilty for Charlie’s misbehavior, Laura comforts him, “don’t blame yourself for Charlie. You’ve been an excellent Dad.”

Scott and Charlie are able to talk about important things (like girls.)

Charlie powerfully sums up the experience of living with secrets, “I don’t live a normal life… My whole life has become about secrets and I hate it.” For adoptive families that have encouraged children to keep secrets, this could be a very powerful line.

By the end of the film, Charlie is at least able to share his secret with his principal and with his half-sister.

Challenges

Charlie’s principal chastises Scott, “Maybe if you spent more time with your son, he’d have fewer problems.” This sounds like conventional wisdom, but Charlie is struggling with family secrets rather than Scott’s absence.

Weak Points

Even though Charlie is able to share Scott’s secret identity with his half-sister and his principal, he is still expected to keep the secret from everyone else. Confidentiality would be a better expectation of Charlie: tell people you trust and who you want to tell, but don’t feel like you have to tell everyone.

Santa asks an elf to lie. A hero telling lies could be confusing to the young children most likely to appreciate this film.

Recommendations

The Santa Clause 2 is a good film this time of year for young kids, who will enjoy the Christmas theme and the candy-binging reindeer. The movie’s positive portrayal of an open family structure could be very encouraging to children in an open relationship with their first family. The movie’s focus on family secrets could be a way to invite a child to be freed from the perceived burden of secrecy. It’s a good fit – as a film, and as a conversation starter – for kids ages 6-11.

Questions for Discussion after the movie

Why was Charlie misbehaving?

What secrets does our family keep?

How do you feel about keeping secrets?

Who do you wish you could tell secrets to?

How do you feel about the relationship between your adoptive family and your first family?

For parents:

One character says, “Every parent’s biggest challenge is balancing work and children.” What do you think?

What secrets have you overtly asked (or covertly expected) your child to keep about their history and adoption?   What secrets have you kept from them?


MERRY CHRISTMAS from Adoption at the Movies!

Adoption Movie Guide: Chimpanzee

 When I asked my colleagues for adoption movie recommendations last year, I was interested – and skeptical – about the Disney Nature film Chimpanzee. It turned out to be relevant, though!

Narrated in the kid-friendly familiar voice of Tim “Buzz Lightyear” Allen, Chimpanzee follows a young chimp named Oscar. Oscar is loved by his mother Isha, but is separated from her when a rival band of chimps attack. Oscar’s life is spared, but he is now parentless in his tribe. He is chased away by other chimps and seems to be viewed as an annoyance. Eventually, though, Oscar finds himself in the good graces of Freddy, his tribe’s grumpy but loyal leader.

The Adoption Connection

A stork drops Lambert off, along with a bunch of baby sheep, into a herd of ewe. The stork tells each baby to pick the mother they like best. Lambert picks last, cuddling up to a ewe who is crying because no baby had picked her. The stork realizes his error and tries to take Lambert away, explaining, “Oh, that’s not a lamb. There must be some mistake.” He checks his list and realizes that Lambert was supposed to be delivered to Mrs. Leo Lion in South Africa. He explains, “I’ll take that viscous little brute and drop him in the jungle.” Lambert’s new mother defends him, and the stork quickly flies away, saying, “Oh, let her have him. I’m only a delivery service.”

Identity issues are prevalent in this film. Lambert wants to be a sheep. The sheep tease him because he looks and sounds different. Lambert hated to admit “that he was yellow through and through” (and not white like a sheep!)

Strong Points

Tim Allen explains that Oscar’s mother Isha “will do everything possible to keep her son safe.” He notes that her “patience never seems to run out.”

The tribe’s leader, Freddy, engages in nurturing behaviors towards Oscar. Tim Allen notes that some of these behaviors would only be done by a mother. This signifies that Freddy will adopt Oscar – he gives the first piece of food to Oscar and teaches Oscar how to hunt. The film shows that Freddy has “discovered a softer side that must have been there all along.” I like that Oscar will be able to thrive, and that he is accepted and embraced by the community. I also like that Freddy is able to be a positive, nurturing “adoptive father,” even though it was unexpected.  

Challenges and Weak Points

Oscar’s tribe of chimpanzees does hunt another species of monkey. They catch and eat the monkeys.

Isha is separated from the tribe by an attack from a rival tribe of chimpanzees. It is presumed that Isha has been eaten by leopards. This could be very traumatic for children who have lost, or lost contact with, their mothers. Tim Allen narrates that Isha “will never return.” It’s heartbreaking to realize that Oscar doesn’t know about his mother’s death. He spends considerable time searching for her, without success. Children watching this film who have been separated from their mother may connect with Oscar in these scenes. I can imagine the scenes being cathartic for some kids but confusing or even traumatizing for others.

 

Oscar eventually realizes that he needs to start thinking about his own survival. He is repeatedly rejected by potential mothers.  

The film seems to use the terms “adoption” and “foster parent” interchangeably. I could see it confusing some kids.

Recommendation

There are some parts of Chimpanzee that could be really challenging for some kids who’ve lost contact with their parents – or who have lost their parents to death. Oscar’s experience of repeated rejection could also resonate negatively with children who have been in multiple foster placements or disrupted adoptions. On the other hand, Chimpanzee speaks glowingly of Oscar’s mother and does show that Oscar ultimately finds family in an unexpected person. Because very young kids might not be able to deal with some of Oscar’s losses, I’d recommend this film for kids between the ages of 7-11. I also advise you to check it out before seeing it with your kids, to make sure that there isn’t anything in the film that would be too much for them. Chimpanzee could be especially positive for kids with a single adoptive dad or for kids who have experienced multiple failed placements but who have finally found a permanent home.

Questions for Discussion

How did Oscar feel when he tried to connect with Freddy?

What were the scariest parts of the movie? The saddest? The happiest?

What was Isha like as a mother? What do you think your birthparents were like? (This is a time to introduce and encourage positive responses!)

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The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug review - Adoption Movie Guide

Bilbo Baggins has joined a company of dwarves on a quest to reclaim their kingdom and their treasure, which years ago was captured by an evil dragon.  By reclaiming their treasure, the dwarves will re-unite different bands of dwarves under the rightful king, Thorin Oakenshield. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is the newly-released second film in what will eventually be a trilogy. I reviewed the first Hobbit movie in December of 2012.

Strong Points

Peter Jackson has captured some beautiful scenery on film. The action scenes are often well-choreographed and very entertaining. The film is engrossing.

Bilbo has great loyalty to his friends and they, in turn, seem to be embracing him more fully. In the last film, Bilbo questioned how much he actually belonged with this group – he’s from somewhere else, he’s got different personal characteristics – and some of the dwarves agreed that he didn’t belong. Now he does. The film’s ending song captures the sentiment that they have fully committed to each other.

 

Bilbo also demonstrates honor, showing the importance of keeping his word. At one point, he is given a choice to back out of a commitment he made. He presses on, saying “I promised I would do this and I think I must try.”

While in a dark forest, the company becomes confused and starts fighting. Bilbo manages to climb a tree – there, above the forest, he rejoices in fresh air and also benefits from a renewed perspective of where he is and where he needs to go.  Life is like that, sometimes. In the midst of difficult situations, it’s easy to lose track of how long it’s been going on, and it’s easy to lose perspective. Sometimes, getting an outside perspective is the only thing that can bring renewed hope and direction.

Weak Points

Although the film is rated PG-13, and all the violence is fantasy violence, there are some scenes that still might be a bit too shocking for kids who’ve experienced violence in real life. In battle scenes, we see two or three decapitations, one character’s limbs are ripped off, and several characters are fully impaled by arrows. Some young kids may be frightened by the film’s portrayal of the villain Sauron; he is portrayed as a hovering black mist, and his dark voice intones, “Death will come to all.”

 

 How is This Relevant to Adoption or Foster Care?

The company is being pursued by danger, and to be saved, they seek shelter at the house of Beorn, an unpredictable skin-changer. There seems to be a connection to foster care here – when arriving at a new home, kids don’t know whether the home will be kind or cruel, friend or enemy.

In my review of the first Hobbit film, I wondered whether there might be a parallel between Bilbo’s feeling of unbelonging to a new group, and a similar feeling felt by a newly-placed foster child. Now, a year later, Bilbo does belong to the group – and I think a legitimate parallel is that, as time passes, an adoptive family or foster placement can become a new “normal,” with its own loyalties. Another film that captures a family reaching a sense of “new normal” is Despicable Me 2.

Recommendations

 The scenes of violence might preclude this from being a good choice for young kids who’ve experienced real-life violence, but for most kids ages 12 and up or so, this should be a pretty good ride.

Questions for Discussion after the movie

 In what areas of your life do you feel like the company in Mirkwood, confused and without direction? How can you get an outside perspective?   When have you felt like that before? How did you get out of it?

The company had to depend on the kindness of a stranger when they visited Beorn’s house, and it wasn’t a sure thing. How must they have felt? When have you been faced with a similar choice?

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Getting ready for The Desolation of Smaug

The sequel to last year's Hobbit movie will be in theaters tomorrow, Friday (the 13th). If it is like its predecessors in the Peter Jackson / Tolkien films, it will be exceptionally well-made with some frightening scenes and good interpersonal dynamics.

Your kids might want to see the first Hobbit movie to ramp up for the sequel. If they can handle the frightening scenes, you might let them. The protagonist is thrust into relationships with a group of strangers, initially feels excluded, but eventually fits in. He shows an openness to adventure and a genuinely compassionate heart. The film also provides an interesting way to introduce the topic of journaling or lifebook-making, both of which can be helpful to adoptees (and adoptive parents).

Want more? Hop over to the Adoption Movie Guide of The Hobbit!

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire Adoption Movie Guide

Katniss and Peeta survived a battle to the death one year ago. Now, their tyrannical government is requiring them to compete again.

 

How is This Relevant to Adoption?

Katniss (and the other young combatants in these battles) is taken from from her family by the government. The emotions – fear, confusion, and grief – are also often felt by children who are taken into foster care.

Strong Points

Some characters demonstrate loyalty, goodness, and a willingness to sacrifice themselves for the good of others. There's a strong female lead.

Challenges

Some characters seem to demonstrate post-traumatic stress. It’s sad, but understandable.

Weak Points

The government is very much “the bad guy.” The film involves constant danger and brutality. Each of these could be very troubling for kids in (or who have been through) foster care. A scene where Katniss has to leave her sister behind could also be troubling.

Recommendations

I know that The Hunger Games is a popular series. This film is exciting, and it’s telling an interesting story. But I can still see lots of ways that this would be challenging for a kid or teen who’s experienced violence.  I wouldn’t recommend it for kids younger than 12. For teens who’ve been through trauma, parents should probably screen the film first. Even though the film is exciting, there are certainly some reasons why it might not be good viewing for a foster-care audience.

 

Questions for Discussion After the Film

Have you ever been forced to do something that felt wrong?

Now in Stores: Despicable Me 2 DVD Release

Want to share a movie with your kids that shows a positive, caring, single adoptive dad? It's showing up in stores today. Former super-villain Gru has become a doting, loving father. While Gru is not yet perfectly sensitive, he has grown significantly since the first Despicable Me film. This one could be particularly helpful for kids adopted by a single parent. I also noticed that adoption themes aren't as central in this one as they were in the first, but the girls are thriving. This film does indirectly give hope that, after the crisis moments of adoption occur, families can reach a state of normalcy - and that it can be a time of thriving.

Planning on buying or renting it? Click on over to the Adoption Movie Guide of Despicable Me 2 for some discussion ideas!

Delivery Man Adoption Movie Guide

Years ago, David Wozniak made multiple donations to a sperm bank. He habitually has financial troubles, and his donations were among several other attempts at improving his financial situation. The bank to which he contributed used his sperm with every applicant over a set period of time. Wozniak recently learned that he has sired over 500 children, and that over 100 of them have filed a lawsuit to require him to reveal his identity. Wozniak begins to learn about his offspring, and starts to meet them. He tries to care for them and improve their lives, but he struggles with whether to reveal his identity. The case ultimately goes to trial.

How is This Relevant to Adoption?

David is more or less a birthfather, hidden behind legally-guaranteed secrecy. He isn’t sure if he wants to be known. His children (or at least some of them) want to know him. Even while debating his ongoing anonymity, David feels a strong desire to know his children.

Strong Points

David rather quickly begins to love his children, even though his lawyer advised him to keep distance.

Some of David’s children have special needs. David goes out of his way to be kind to them.

The film raises the question – whose rights take precedence? The case is made that a confidentiality agreement signed between David and an agency  impacts the children more than it impacts anyone else. They were not consulted and did not consent to having their history hidden from them, and they say it’s wrong. When the law affirms David’s right to confidentiality, his children express their disappointment, but note, (paraphrased quote) “Just because the court hasn’t required him to reveal himself, that doesn’t mean he can’t choose to do so out of his own free will. We hope he does the right thing.”

David is believable. Even while hidden behind a veil of secrecy, he longs to know his children.

Weak Points

Some of the characters’ motivations, reactions, and responses might be too idealistic.

One of David’s children discovers David’s identity fairly early in the movie. He more or less blackmails David – spend time with me, love me, and give me attention, and I won’t blow your cover to the others who are seeking you.

Recommendations

I was really surprised to like this as much as I did. Delivery Man is positive, uplifting, and a hopeful portrayal of what might happen if secrecy is removed from adoption. (Well, OK, it’s not technically about adoption, but wow, does it seem relevant and encouraging.) Not a good movie for kids. A great movie for adults.

Questions for Discussion After the Film

How has (or how does, or how might) secrecy impact your adoption? How does it hurt? What purpose does it serve?   What benefits do you see in openness? 

Instructions Not Included review: Adoption Movie Guide

Valentin lives in Acapulco, and engages in many short relationships with vacationing young women. One of his former lovers, Julie, shows up at his doorstep holding a baby, Maggie. She explains that the child is his, and she quickly disappears. Valentin learns that Julie is from the United States. He goes to Los Angeles to try to locate her. Although Valetin does not find Julie, he does impress a movie director when he heroically rescues Maggie. Valentin becomes a top stunt man and establishes a successful career for himself, while providing a good life for Maggie. And then, years later, Julie returns, demanding that Maggie be returned to her. Valentin engages in court battles to try to keep Maggie. Valentin knows that a medical issue is threatening to separate him from Maggie, and so he is willing to try anything to keep together with her.

The Adoption Connection

The film absolutely raises the question, “What makes a person a parent? Genetics or behavior?”

Valentin creates an elaborate story to explain the absence of Maggie’s mother to her. Maggie eventually learns that it is all lies, and this shakes Maggie’s faith in Valentin.

Strong Points

Valentin quickly grows up into a mature, loving father.

Even though their relationship is heavily conflicted, Valentin and Julie are ultimately able to work together to meet Maggie’s needs.

Challenges

The movie portrays Julie’s re-investment into Maggie’s life as love-based but antagonistic. This isn’t unrealistic, and it’s helpful to realize that an antagonistic relationship between adoptive and birthparents (or between separate birthparents) can be fueled by good intentions and love. Julie and Valentin eventually do work together, but there is a lot of conflict and harmful words spoken, and Maggie is caught in the middle.

Valentin goes on the run to maintain his relationship with Maggie. This is problematic, but it is understandable. Like Dandelion Dust had a similar scene, but seemed much more troubling.

There is a particularly sad ending to the film.

Weak Points

Kids aren’t always desired; one character explains, “I want an abortion.” Another complains about “damn cheap condoms.”

Maggie experiences lots of dangerous situations as a baby.

Valentin’s well-intentioned effort to explain Maggie’s mother’s absence does far more harm than good. Kids have a right to know the (age-appropriate) truth; but truth tempered for age-appropriateness is different than a fanciful lie. When Julie does meet Maggie, she quickly and bluntly dispels the stories that Maggie has believed her whole life, simply saying, “Your dad made all of it up.”

Valentin seems to try to manipulate Maggie into liking him more. He also makes a crude but clever pun about Maggie’s mother choosing to prioritize other things instead of Maggie.

One child is told “Your mom didn’t love you, so she left.”

 

Recommendation

Instructions Not Included is at times heart-wrenching, at times endearing, and at times thought-provoking. I wouldn’t recommend it for kids, but I do recommend it for prospective adoptive parents – it’s a well-made film and it lends itself to serious and important thoughts.

Questions for After the Movie

What makes a parent, a parent?

Was Julie’s involvement in Maggie’s life a positive or a negative thing?

Why did Valentin run? Was he right or wrong for doing it?

Maggie was a valued part of Valentin’s family. If Julie gets her way, what would happen to that relationship?

Now in Stores: The Smurfs 2

The Smurfs 2 releases on DVD today, just in time for holiday shopping. The film is unexpectedly very relevant to adoption; Smurfette was created by Gargamel, adopted and significantly changed by Papa Smurf, kidnapped back by Gargamel, and eventually rescued and reclaimed by the Smurfs. Along the way, she struggles very much with questions of identity.

One of the posters used to promote the film in theaters asked, "Who's Your Papa?" Sadly, the poster and the film take a dichotomous view -- only one can be the dad. The other can't be. In the world of the Smurfs, there's good reason for the dichotomy. Gargamel is deceitful, selfish, and dangerous. Most birthfathers probably aren't, in spite of some unfortunate assumptions that they are. This film sides with the unfortunate and ungracious prejudices.

Looking to buy a kid-friendly sequel that does a better job of portraying a father? Despicable Me 2 is excellent.

In case you'd find it helpful, click on over to the Adoption Movie Guide of The Smurfs 2

Now in Stores: The Wolverine DVD Release

OK, it is a very violent film. But there are several redemptive factors to The Wolverine that might come close to making it suitable family viewing for families with teens. Wolverine goes through depression (more or less), and ultimately decides to live. There's also the affirmation that people need to face difficult truths rather than hide from them - as the film puts it, "You can't pretend s*** isn't happening when it is." There are some concerns, though, that make Wolverine a less-than-ideal role model.

The Wolverine comes out in stores tomorrow. Wondering whether to buy or rent this one? Check out the Adoption Movie Guide of The Wolverine for some more insight.