Adoption Kids' Books at your Library

I probably should have saved my review of The Tigger Movie for Halloween, seeing as he's all orange and black, and all of the other characters dressed in Tigger costumes. Oh well! Tonight, you and your kids might be out Trick-or-Treating and getting free candy. Any other night, you can go to the library and Trick-or-Treat for free books. You don't have to wear a costume. You do have to bring the books back. But it's at least kind of similar, right?

The library is a good place to start figuring out what books will make it into your adoption library. When I was training incoming foster and adoptive parents, I would usually stop by the kids' section of the Pasadena, CA library a few days in advance, and stock up on books to pass around during the training. Check out your library's website now, and do a search for adoption, or just stop in and ask the librarian to point you in the right direction.

In the meantime, here are two good books to start your search. They each affirm that adoptive families are families because they meet a child's needs and because they love the child. These books are also very special because they appropriately acknowledge the role of the birth parents.  

I Love You Like Crazy Cakes By Rose A. Lewis tells about a woman who flies to China to

adopt an infant from an orphanage. The woman adopts the infant, comes home, introduces the infant to her family, and then enjoys a quiet first night.

Adoption Message: The infant was missing a mother, and the mother was missing an infant.

The adoption occurred, and everyone was happy. The adoptive mother cries for the birth mother “who could not keep you” and promises that she and the infant will always remember her.

Recommended for: Young children who have been adopted, especially those who were adopted as infants; the book introduces the concept of adoption, and acknowledges the birth mother as well. Although the book is based on a story of international adoption, it can translate to domestic adoption as well.

You’re Not My Real Mother by Molly Friedrich, is the story of a young child telling her adopted mother, “You’re not my real mother.” The adoptive mother starts listing things she does that only a real mother would do. The adopted child asks why they do not look alike, and the adoptive mother explains that she is not the child’s birth mother, but is grateful to the child’s birth mother every day. The child then lists things the adoptive mother does that only a real mother would do, and finally concludes that the adoptive mother is her real mother.

Adoption Message : Adoptive families are real families

Recommended For: Adoptive families with young children

Want more books? Check out my growing list of adoption kids' books and see what ones you'd like to read next!

Most libraries also carry movies. While you're there, see if they have any of the ones I've reviewed on my adoption movies list.  Who says entertainment can't be free?

Where Are All the Other Tiggers? Adoption Issues in Disney's The Tigger Movie

"The wonderful thing about Tiggers is Tiggers are wonderful things. Their tops are made out of rubber. Their bottoms are made out of springs! They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is... I'm the only one!"

Is the tune stuck in your head? I can hear Tigger's voice as I type this. If it's not stuck in your head yet, you can always listen to the Tigger anthem on Youtube! But as happy as the song sounds, and as unfailingly happy as Tigger seems to be, he's struggling with some questions. Why is he the only one? Where are the other Tiggers? In this short, fun, 2000 Disney film, Tigger sets out to find out.

The Plot (spoilers ahead)

Tigger, a tiger, wants to bounce around. He asks his friends to join him, but they all decline, saying that they are preoccupied. They eventually admit that Tigger bounces because he is good at it, “unlike us.” Pooh adds, “We’re not Tiggers.”

Tigger sadly walks away. Roo, a young kangaroo, tries to cheer Tigger up by suggesting that Tigger do something he enjoys. Tigger scoffs at the idea. Roo then suggests that Tigger should seek out other Tiggers, saying “I’ve got a momma. Don’t you have a family somewhere, too?” Tigger is inspired by this idea, and begins hunting for his family. He searches through the woods, but does not find them and decides instead to write a letter. Tigger’s friends receive the letter by chance, and write a letter that purports to be from his family. Upon receiving the letter, Tigger becomes convinced that his family will visit him personally. His friends visit his home, dressed as Tiggers, but Tigger soon realizes that they are not actually Tiggers. He walks away offended into a blizzard to seek out his family.

Tigger’s friends go out into the blizzard to find him, and he eventually realizes that his friends are his family. The movie ends when Tigger proclaims Roo to be his little brother and poses for a family portrait with the rest of his friends.

The Adoption Connection

The adoption issues of loss and identity are prevalent in The Tigger Movie. Tigger has often sung that the “most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I’m the only one.” Now he realizes a sadder side of being “the only one.” Owl suggests that Tigger can find his family by first finding his family tree. Tigger shows a range of, fantasies, expectations, and fears when he starts pursuing his family. He expects his family tree to be a literal tree. He dreams about being surrounded by people (well, tigers) who look and act like him. He expects that his family will show up unannounced, and when they do not come, Tigger worries that they have been caught in a dangerous storm.  Tigger never finds other Tiggers. Thankfully, he does not renounce his efforts to find other Tiggers, but he does accept his friends as his family.

Adoptees also may have similar fantasies, fears, worries, and hopes about their birth families, and can be disappointed when their expectations do not flesh out.

A heart-shaped locket is prominent in the movie. Tigger finds it, imagines that he’s had it his whole life, expects that it will have a photograph of his family, and then is heartbroken to realize that it is empty. At one point, he expresses his sad belief that the locket (and his knowledge of his family) will “stay empty forever.” Adoptees may feel that their hearts will “stay empty forever,” or that they do not deserve love. Later, Tigger puts a photograph of his friends in the locket and entrusts the locket to Roo.

Considering Adoption? (part 1)

If you're thinking about pursuing adoption, you're not alone. There are nearly 130,000 finalized adoptions in the United States each year. Many, many more people are in the process of pursuing adoption, and even more are at least thinking about it. Different motivations lead people to consider adoption; folks I've spoken with have expressed many motivations. Some simply love kids and want to help; some see adoption as a call from God and want to minister; some are trying to adopt their grandchild, niece, nephew, or sibling in order to keep the family together; some want to be parents but have not been able to do so because of infertility.

People consider adoption for a wide range of reasons, and there are many types of adoptions. One common thread across all adoption is that a new family is formed. The journeys are different, but the end goal is a safe, loving, nurturing, stable family. Over the next few weeks, I'll be posting a bit about the process of becoming an adoptive family. Maybe you're already quite far along in your journey. If you're just starting to think about adoption, a good first step is to discern which type of adoption best suits you. My article about different types of adoption can help you get started. If you've got particular questions about adoption that you'd like me to answer in this series, please write me and ask, or post below. Best wishes on this exciting journey!

Another good article to read as you're forming your initial thoughts is this one, about open adoptions as opposed to closed adoptions.

Adoption Movie Review: Tarzan 2

You might have missed it. Tarzan 2 was a 2005 direct-to-video Disney movie. It's not actually a sequel to Tarzan; it's more of a in-the-middle-of-the-first-movie-quel. The whole story takes place during one of the first film's songs. Don't be scared away by the direct-to-video tag, though; this movie is an interesting portrayal of Tarzan's journey towards identity formation, which is an important issue in any adoption. Tarzan 2 isn't a perfect movie as far as adoption issues go, but overall, it's worth a read and a watch.

My adoption review of the first Disney Tarzan movie would be a helpful read before going on to the sequel.

Tarzan 2

The Plot (spoilers ahead)

Tarzan is a young human boy living with a family of gorillas. Although he is accepted by other children in the family and deeply loved by his mother Kala, some of the other adults in the family do not feel he fits in. He can’t keep up with the others, and the group has to wait for him when racing towards shelter from a storm. Tarzan confides to his mother that he feels he is “not a good ape,” and that he believes “everyone would be better off if I just wasn’t around.” Tarzan’s mother tells him that he and the family need each other, and that she particularly needs him. However, an accident occurs where Tarzan is presumed dead. He overhears various family members expressing their belief that Kala (and the rest of the family) will be better off without him. Tarzan decides to run away, even though running away might expose him to a fearful monster named Zugor.

While on the run, Tarzan encounters a family of displaced gorillas and an old ape (who turns out to be Zugor). Tarzan learns that Zugor pursued a life of solitude after being rejected by his peers for not being able to keep up. Tarzan asks Zugor to help him be a “good ape.” Zugor figures out that Tarzan is not an ape, so he and Tarzan set off to figure out what Tarzan is. Tarzan is shown trying a quick succession of possible identities: giraffe, warthog, vulture, fish, elephant, frog, and others. A song playing in the background asks, “Who am I? Tell me, where do I come from?” Eventually, 

Zugor determines that Tarzan is uniquely himself; that he is “a Tarzan.”

Meanwhile, Tarzan’s friends and mother have discovered that he is still alive, and set out to find him. They find themselves in danger, but Tarzan, inspired by knowing that he is uniquely himself, is able to rescue them. As the film ends, Tarzan is happily reunited with his gorilla family and is able to fit in – not as another gorilla, but as a Tarzan.

Open Discussion about Openness in Adoption

One of the main areas of training for prospective adoptive parents is the question of openness in adoption. Most parents I’ve trained express their intention to be somewhat open, but also seem somewhat fearful and uncertain. It’s probably good to start with a definition of openness. Openness in adoption refers to at least one of two things between at least two of three groups of people.

For the purposes of this article, openness in adoption refers to  the exchange of CONTACT and/or INFORMATION between the Adoptee, Birth Family, and Adopting Family. I’m referring to “birth family” and “adopting family” rather than “birth parents” and “adopting parents” because there are other people – siblings, cousins, uncles, and grandparents among others – who can share information, and who might be beneficial for contact.

Historically, adoptions have been open. Most prospective adoptive parents are surprised to hear this, but people generally knew when a child was being raised by a family other than the parents that gave them birth. There were some negative aspects to the public nature of this knowledge, though: kids born to unwed parents were subject to prejudice, as were the women who gave birth out of wedlock. In order to avoid this, in 1917 Minnesota passed the first law to make adoption confidential from the public. Other states enacted similar laws. However, by the end of World War 2, confidentiality had morphed into secrecy. I imagine that this is because the adults involved in adoption drew benefit from the confidentiality and wanted to make it more secure.

The difference between confidentiality and secrecy is one of degrees and tones. Confidentiality says of a fact, “It’s my business, and I can share it with whom I want.” Secrecy says, “This is my shame, and I need to lie about it so that no one finds out.” Perhaps adoption laws moved towards secrecy as birth families saw a chance to hide the shame they felt over unwed births, and as adoptive families saw a similar chance to hide the shame they felt over being perceived as different. The change towards secrecy seems to have hurt open discussion,  and adoptees found that they were not able to access their own original birth certificates. Some adoptees were not even told that they were adopted.

In the 1970’s, Florence Fisher founded the Adoptees Liberty Movement Association. This association believed, in a nutshell, that adoptees have a right to know their own stories. Adoption sometimes involves painful truths – about the birth parents and about the adopting parents – but this does not require hiding the story from the adoptee. It does require processing the story with the adoptee, laughing with them, crying with them, reflecting with them, and helping them to own it as part of their life. But adoption isn’t shameful, and shouldn’t be a secret.

It seems best for adoptive parents to commit to be honest with children, in a sensitive and age-appropriate manner about how and why they came to be adopted, and how and why the adoptive parents decided to adopt. Books can be helpful in these discussions, and reviews of several recommended books and movies are available on this site.

Children who are adopted much past infancy will always know that they have been adopted, so talking about it openly is a service to them. Children who are adopted as infants might not know they’re adopted unless they’re told. Some prospective adopting parents ask when they should introduce adoption to the child they’ve adopted. The best answer is “all along.” This way, adoption is never a shocking revelation, but just a normal part of life.

Kids stereotypically ask “where do babies come from?” By this, they probably also mean “How did I get here?” An honest answer to both questions is, “They come from a lot of places. They all start with a mommy and a daddy, but when some are born, they are raised by just the mommy, or just the daddy, or the mommy’s mommy, or the mommy and a new daddy, or new mommies and daddies…” Joanna Cole’s book “How I Was Adopted” is a great reference for grade-school kids who were adopted as infants. “A Forever Family” by Roslyn Banish and Jennifer Jordan-Wong is a good reference for grade school kids who are adopted a bit older.

Honesty between you and your child creates openness, to some degree.  The question you’re left with isn’t “should my adoption be open or closed,” but rather, “how open will my adoption be.” A big question here is whether members of the birth family should be involved. This is a difficult question for many adopting families; they perhaps wonder if contact with the birth parents will diminish the child’s love for the adopting parents, or confuse the child. Some parents have expressed to me that they really aren’t interested in contact with the birth family because they want to feel like the child is “their own.”

I have a few responses. First, the primary question in making this decision needs to be, “what’s best for the child?” Families that would shun post-adoption contact with any birth family members are likely doing so because they fear that their needs for parenthood will not be met by adoption. This is an issue that the prospective adopting parents should work through together, and possibly with a therapist, before pursuing adoption. Once that issue is resolved, I think it’s safe to say that a child won’t love an adopting parent less for allowing birth family contact. Contact with the birth family has the potential to be confusing, but it could be confusing to forbid such contact. A task of the adoptive parent is to help their child understand and thrive in their unique circumstance in life.  

Lastly, adopting parents sometimes wonder if contact with the birth family would be safe – this is especially salient for parents adopting from foster care, when the birth parents may have been charged with abuse or neglect. In these instances, wisdom and discretion on the part of the adopting parent is important, and it’s a good idea to talk with social workers who know your case. But I wouldn’t automatically vote against contact. Remember, birth family contact can be with any birth family member – siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and even family friends.  If you can find a positive birth family member to have contact with, it can provide an avenue for your child to answer questions about their past and their genetic heritage. Contact can vary in degree, too; if visits in person aren’t possible, perhaps phone calls, letters to a PO Box, or shared email address can accomplish some good. Remember too, that people change over time. Contact that is imprudent now might be acceptable in the future.

No article can prescribe what you should do in your own situation, but I do recommend that before you make any choices – for openness or for closed contact – that you touch base with a social worker or therapist that knows your story, and run this by them. Best of luck as you consider moving forward into an exciting chapter of your life.

You might take a light-hearted next step in thinking about openness by watching some fun movies where an adoptee's parent finally gets around to telling the adoptee about the adoption. My adoption movie review of Kung Fu Panda and Kung Fu Panda 2 and my adoption movie review of Tarzan can help you ask yourself the right questions. Happy thinking!

Adoption Movie Review: Disney's Tarzan

Disney's Tarzan is a pretty fun movie to watch. It also raises some good questions about discussing adoption with an adoptee... you see, Tarzan is raised by Kala, but Kala's been putting off telling him that he's adopted. She finally gets around to it. Check out my review at Reel Spirituality or read it here after the jump!

Adoption Kids' Book: A Mother for Choco

Choco is a small yellow bird with striped feet and puffy cheeks. He is sad, because he is alone in the world. He tries to find a mother that looks like him: a giraffe is yellow, but doesn't have wings. A walrus has puffy cheeks, but is not yellow. A bear does not have striped feet, puffy cheeks, and is not yellow, but is friendly, warm, loving, welcoming, and motherly. A Mother for Choco is a great book for families that adopt or foster cross-culturally, to help young kids realize that people don't have to look alike to be a family. You can buy it here or hear the story here! Don't forget to check out the Kids' Books section of this site for more recommended books!

Adoption Movie Review: Kung Fu Panda 1 and Kung Fu Panda 2

The Kung Fu Panda movies are definitely fun. Jack Black's Panda, Angelina Jolie's Tigress, and several other animated all-stars of Kung Fu from vengeful warriors and narcissistic would-be emperors. Along the way, they struggle with identity issues. As it turns out, Po, the panda, was adopted and raised by Mr. Ping, a goose. These movies could make for excellent, helpful viewing for adoptive families.

The Plot

Po is a large, teenager-ish panda bear who works in the noodle shop of his father, Mr. Ping. Po is enamored with Kung Fu, and is particularly devoted to “the Furious Five” super-heroes of Kung Fu, Tigress, Monkey, Mantis, Viper, and Crane, and their master, Shifu. Tai Lung, an evil leopard who was raised like a son by Shifu, has escaped from prison, and so a turtle named Oogway, master of Kung Fu, must decide who will be the Dragon Warrior destined to defeat Tai Lung. Through what seems to be a chance accident, Po is named Dragon Warrior. The five super-heroes and their embittered master, Shifu, are distressed at Po’s appointment, and Po himself doubts that he can overcome the leopard. He is especially concerned when he finds that the secret scroll to be given to the Dragon Warrior is blank. However, Po learns that the secret to greatness lies not in an external source, but within himself. Po defeats Tai Lung and brings peace to Shifu.

In the sequel, Po is now recognized as a Kung Fu master, and teams with the Furious Five.  They are now called upon to save China and Kung Fu from destruction at the hands of Shen, a peacock who has developed a weapon that seems to have the power to stop Kung Fu. Shen was once warned by a soothsayer that if he continued pursuing power, he would be stopped by a Panda. Shen thought he had eliminated all of the Pandas, but he missed Po.

The Adoption Connection

Po is a panda bear. His father is a goose. Po’s father points to portraits of various ancestors, and they are all geese. While Po’s adoption is not directly addressed in the first movie, it is hinted at lightheartedly; Po expresses that sometimes he “can’t believe” that he is the son of his father. Mr. Ping hints at telling Po something that Po should have known for a long time, but ultimately shares a secret family recipe rather than Po’s history. In the sequel, adoption is addressed much more directly. While attempting to defend a city from invaders, Po has a flash of memory of a trauma from his early childhood. Unsettled, he leaves the Furious Five and returns to his father’s noodle shop.  Po talks with his father about the vision and reluctantly asks his father, “Where did I come from?” Mr. Ping seems avoidant, and doesn’t make eye contact while Po is building up the courage to ask the question. Mr. Ping initially gives Po an off-putting answer about where “baby geese” come from, but quickly acknowledges that he knows that’s not what Po wanted to know. Mirroring a phrase from the first movie, Mr. Ping says, “I think it’s time I told you something I should have told you a long time ago.” Mr. Ping then stutters out, “You might have been kind of adopted.”

Adoption Movie Review: The Odd Life of Timothy Green

Jim and Cindy Green are a couple struggling with infertility. For a long time, they have invested their emotions, their effort, and their dwindling finances into trying to have a child. After their arduous efforts fail, they find themselves sitting across from their infertility doctor, who sheepishly tells them that they have exhausted their options, and that pregnancy will not happen for them. They are devastated, but decide to spend one last evening dreaming about who their child would have been, in an effort to mourn and move on. Disney magic happens, and their dream son, Timothy, grows up overnight from their garden. He has leaves on his shins. He also has a navel, but I’m not sure why.  Jim and Cindy spend the next two hours or so adjusting to having a son, working through their feelings towards other parents they have known, and by their own admission, making mistakes. Timothy disappears, but encourages Jim and Cindy by telling them that they were always ready to be parents. A year passes, and Jim and Cindy decide to pursue parenting through either adoption or foster care.

The Adoption Connection

Jim and Cindy never actually adopt anyone in the movie, but the movie has plenty of adoption-related issues. Infertility is a motivating factor in many adoptions. Jim and Cindy know that Timothy is different from other children and encourage him to keep his differences (the leaves on his shins, and the unusual way of his coming into being) secret from family and friends. Secret keeping goes both ways for Timothy, who for a long time chooses to keep a painful secret from Jim and Cindy. After parenting Timothy, Jim and Cindy decide to apply to an adoption services agency, and ultimately take placement of another child, although it’s not absolutely clear whether the placement is for adoption (it is an adoption services agency), or for foster care (almost immediately before the placement happens, Timothy suggested that Jim and Cindy are perfect parents, even if only for a short time.)