Thursday, June 27, 2013

Man of Steel: A “Super” Movie for Adoption

Yesterday, I reviewed Man of Steel. Today, I'm pleased to share a second (and third!) voice on the movie. Debbie Schwartz is the founder and director of Forever Families Weekend for Jewish Families Touched by Adoption. She recently reached out to share her take on Man of Steel, and also provides her 15-year-old son's take, as well. Enjoy!

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Last week my family (me, my husband, and my two sons, ages 15 and 13) saw Man of Steel, the new Superman movie.  Spoiler alert, sort of...I'm going to talk about the movie and its adoption themes.  I'm not giving away plot points.  I'm pretty sure you all know the basic story.  But stop reading if you don't want to know...




Overalll, I think the producers/directors/screenwriters actually did a really good job with the adoption themes in this movie, which was a pleasant surprise.  I suspect a lot of people won't even realize some of the adoption sub-text (if they aren't involved in the adoption community).  But both of my kids and my husband and I certainly paid attention.

First, there is a very poignant scene early in the movie when Jor-El and Lara have to put baby Kal-El into the spaceship and send him to Earth to save his life.  Lara says something along the lines of “Now that he's actually here, I don't think I can go through with it.”   They are, for all intents and purposes, birthparents making an adoption plan (although they have no idea which humans will end up raising their son).  Both birthparents are clearly struggling with the idea of separating from Kal-El.  Lara also talks about how difficult it is to imagine that she won't see him take his first steps, etc.  I couldn't help but relate it to what it was like when our children’s birthparents said good-bye in the hospital.  Jor-El and Lara clearly love their son.  They also realize that (since the planet Krypton is doomed), his best hope is to be sent to earth where he has a chance at a life.  They send him away so that he can live.


Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Adoption Movie Guide: Man of Steel

Clark Kent has lived a peculiar life. His superhuman strength has attracted the attention and fear of his neighbors and peers. His father, Jonathan Kent, encourages him to keep his powers hidden for fear that others will not understand him; Clark tries to make sense of his unique traits. Eventually, he learns that he is stronger than humanly possible because he is not human; he was sent to Earth as an infant from the planet, Krypton. Now, thirty-three years later, enemies from Krypton have come to Earth to extract their revenge on Clark’s family and to transform Earth from a human to a Kryptonian planet.







How is This Relevant to Adoption?  
Man of Steel opens with a birth scene. As Jor-El watches, Lara finishes her labor and gives birth to an infant, whom they name Kal-El.  Jor-El and Lara know that their planet, Krypton, is in imminent danger of destruction, and that Kal-El cannot be kept safe there. They intend to send Kal-El to earth in order to keep him safe, but their plans are not made without trepidation. Lara worries that Kal-El will be unaccepted by those different from him, and that the provisions she and Jor-El have made will not be sufficient to keep him safe. She mourns that she will “never get to see him walk or hear him say our names.” Jor-El seems to acknowledge the risks, but affirms that this is Kal-El’s only chance. His parents do decide to send him away, without knowing who will find him. He reaches Earth safely, and is found by Jonathan and Martha Kent who adopt him and name him Clark. There are plenty of adoption- and identity-related moments in the film,  

Strong Points
Jor-El and Lara’s decision to send their son to Earth is depicted as a true act of sacrificial love. They are not coerced into their decision by anything other than their honest (and accurate) assessment of their son’s prospects in their world.

Clark’s adoptive parents eventually affirm and support his need to explore his history.

Clark is able to meet Jor-El. He explains, “I have so many questions.” Jor-El answers his questions. When Clark learns that his home planet has been destroyed, he wonders if he is alone. Jor-El responds, “No; you’re as much a child of Earth now as you are of Krypton. You are the best of both worlds.” Jor-El affirms that the differences between humans and Kryptonians are not necessarily bad.

Clark was adopted by a human family; one character observes (albeit cynically) that Clark has also adopted humans. Adoptees are often unable to make an initial choice about their adoption; however, they have an eventual choice to accept or not accept their second culture and family.


Key Conversations

Jonathan eventually shows Clark the vessel which brought him to earth. It took Jonathan a long time to get over secrecy, but I love his dual affirmation that he is Clark’s father, and that Clark must explore his heritage.

Jonathan: We found you in this. It’s not from this world, and neither are you. You’re the answer to “are we alone in the universe?”

Clark: I don’t want to be.

Jonathan: I don’t blame you, but you were sent here for a reason.

Clark: Can’t I keep pretending I’m your son?

Jonathan: You are my son, but you have another father who gave you another name, and he sent you here for a reason, and you owe it to yourself to find out what that reason is.


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Clark returns home after learning about his Kryptonian heritage, and is greeted by his mother.

Clark: I found them, Mom, my parents, my people. I know where I come from now.

Martha: Wow! That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you, Clark. (She seems sad.)

Clark: What?

Martha: It’s nothing. I worried all the time.

Clark: You worried the truth would come out?

Martha: No. The truth about you is beautiful. We knew that from the moment we laid eyes on you.

(Martha goes on to explain that she worried that society would take Clark away from her due to their fear of his differences.)


Challenges

Monday, June 24, 2013

New Stuff on Adoption at the Movies

Hey everyone!

I just added three new tabs to hopefully make it easier to find what you want. Check out TV Shows  to find series (or episodes) that touch on foster care and adoption. Want something a bit heavier than a movie? Visit Documentaries. Want to hear (well, read...) another voice? Click Interviews! - There are four so far!

Thanks for supporting and reading! I'm going to keep on watching movies :)

Friday, June 21, 2013

The Fosters Episodes 2 and 3 Recap

Two weeks ago, I watched the first episode of ABC’s “The Fosters,” a Jennifer Lopez-produced series about a multicultural, two-mom foster and adoptive family. I was impressed by the first show, and named seven things to like about the Fosters. I also had some concerns, including a plotline involving the Fosters’ adopted daughter, Mariana, selling her brother Jesus’ prescription drugs in order to have money to give to her birthmother.

Two more episodes have been released, and they’re available for instant viewing on ABCFamily – one expires in a couple days, so click over soon if you want to see it.

The storylines continue to unfold, and it seems as though storylines will be carried across multiple episodes. Callie was reunited with her younger brother, Jude, at the end of the first episode when she and her foster brother Brandon rescued him from an abusive foster home. Jude continues to adjust to the Fosters’ home. Leah and Steph promise never to split Jude and Callie up. Jude likes it, and wants to stay, but seems somewhat nervous: he asks foster mother Leah if she has any chores for him to do, explaining that “families who aren’t going to send me away, right away, usually give me chores.” He has enrolled at the school where Leah is employed, but his enrollment is threatened because his performance isn’t up to school standards. Leah pleads for the school to have understanding for his situation – he has been in seven schools in the last four years – but the school is unremitting, and requires that he take and pass a standardized test in order to stay enrolled. Talk about feeling like you have to earn your way into a family.


Monday, June 17, 2013

An Interview with Vivian Lum of The Invisible Red Thread

I recently reviewed The Invisible Red Thread, a documentary about teenage adoptee Vivian Lum’s journey from her home in Canada to her country of origin, China. Today, Vivian sits down with Adoption at the Movies to share her insights about the journey.

Addison: How did your parents share about adoption with you?


Vivian: For as long as I can remember I've known that i'm adopted. But as I got older I started to get curious and ask questions. Like who is my (bio)mom,(but i didn't say it like that.). Where was I found, how was I found. How did you get me. Questions like that. I usually asked my mom these questions when I was young and she answered to the best of her ability.  We also have a photo album of my parents’ trip to China which I looked at a lot and my mom would tell me the story of how they came and got me. Generally I approached my parents about adoption rather than them coming to me. I was a really curious kid.

Addison: How did the idea to take a trip to China come up? How did that conversation start, and how was it received?

Vivian: When I was seven or eight my parents brought up the trip back to China. They wanted me and my sister to go back to where our orphanages were and see the cities we were from. But they also wanted us to see where we came from and have a greater appreciation for the country. It was meant to be a fun family trip. Me and my sister were both very enthusiastic about the idea. Over the years the trip was brought up multiple times but due to complications the trip was continuously put off. But, now that my sister and I are much older family trips are not as easily planned.  But currently I’m pretty sure my family still wants to go.

Addison: When you were in China, a woman came to see whether you might be her daughter. What was that experience like for you?

Vivian: To be honest I didn't even know about the woman until it was all over. I was told later about the woman and the possibility of me being her daughter. But, when I was told, my first reaction was me just being stunned. I thought about the idea that she might have been my mother and was overwhelmed by how I would react to her. Mainly I was just stunned because I had gone on this trip with the notion that I would never meet my birth mother. But I also started to think about all the questions I would want to ask her like why did you give me up, do I have siblings and other personal family questions like that. But, after finding out that she was not my mother I took a lot from that. I came to the conclusion which I still hold to this day that I don’t really mind if I never meet my birth parents because I have a loving family here in Canada. But if I did meet them it would be really cool, but I wouldn't drop everything and go running. I don’t mean to say I don’t have the highest respect for them - which I do, it’s just that they don’t hold as much influence on my life now as they once did.

 Addison: When you visited China, you became friends with Shumin, who was also adopted from a Chinese orphanage around the same time as you. What has your relationship with Shumin meant to you?

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Three Therapeutic TV Shows

My wife and I were recently talking about “therapeutic” TV shows. I think what we both meant by that was, shows that make us feel good when we watch them. Many shows are funny, gripping, or interesting. But some just seem more than that – they seem nourishing.

Here are three of my favorites:

Good Neighbors
Recently, we started re-visiting the series “Good Neighbors,” which originally aired in Britain as “The Good Life.” Tom Good hits his fortieth birthday, realizes that he is dissatisfied with his life – and particularly his job. He resigns his professional draftsman position, and together with his wife Barbara begins turning his upper-class suburban home into a self-sufficient farm. While the premise is interesting and the show is funny, what really draws me back into the reruns is the relationship between Tom and Barbara. They weather difficult seasons and discouragement together with grace, understanding, and teamwork. It’s hard to think of a better example of a married couple that gets along so well.

Avatar: The Last Airbender
This animated Nickelodeon show ran from 2005 – 2008. It follows a twelve-year-old boy named Aang, who sets off with two friends in an effort to bring peace to a war-torn world. The show is well-animated, and has a very impressive soundtrack; young kids will probably love the fact that several characters can manipulate natural elements, and some animals provide comic relief. But what surprises about the show is how deep it looks into characters’ hearts, and how hopeful it remains. We learn the motives and secret pains of the heroes, but also of the villains. We’re allowed to understand the enemies, and struggle with Aang as he wonders how to defeat evil without becoming evil himself. Not all of the bad guys stay bad, either. Avatar is redemptive. Great for kids. Maybe even better for parents, once they get past the fact that it’s an animated Nickelodeon show.

M*A*S*H
This sitcom, set in the Korean war, spanned eleven seasons. The first seasons were geared towards comedy and featured caricature-like characters, but the show evolved in the later seasons. While wisecracking Hawkeye Pierce remains the central character throughout the show, in later seasons he is surrounded by complex but genuinely good people. I find myself relating to Dr. Sidney Friedman, a travelling psychiatrist who usually pops into the unit to help, but sometimes comes to relax, and, at one point, reveals that he is struggling. I also like Father Mulcahy, the unit’s chaplain, who overcomes his own insecurities to offer comfort to those around him. Other people might connect with Margaret Houlihan, a Major who becomes more and more complex and well-balanced as the show progresses, or BJ Hunnicut, a gentle family man. There is depth and honesty to each of the main characters, and encouragement that you can survive difficult situations.


Have you seen any of these? What are some of your favorite / therapeutic shows?

Don't forget to check out the Adoption Movie Guides. Also, are you following on Facebook yet?

Friday, June 7, 2013

Adoption Movie Review - HBO Documentary "Love Marilyn"

HBO’s two-hour documentary, “Love Marilyn,” debuts on Monday, June 17 at 9:00 PM. It’s a gripping and impactful study of Marilyn Monroe’s life, illustrated by text from recently-discovered diary entries. It covers the span of her years and paints her with a sympathetic, positive, and sometimes slightly defensive brush, while providing deep insight into her private thought life and feelings. 
Monroe developed a persona which brought her fame, but which may have kept her from knowing her true self. She was underestimated by directors and given stereotypical roles.  She was scapegoated by studios, and sensationalized by the media (who had a field-day with a “sex goddess” with fertility struggles.) She was famous, successful, driven and troubled. As the documentary highlights, she “created a myth of what a poor girl from a deprived background could attend.” But while she created a strong persona, she struggled to find her true identity and to embrace her own worth.
Monroe was born Norma Jean Mortenson. Her father abandoned her at a very early age, and her mother was unable to care for her; Monroe was raised in a series of foster homes and orphanages. Even as she found success and fame, her diary shows her inner thought life in her ongoing struggle for identity and self-acceptance.  She focused on excelling in her craft:


“ I have nothing to hold on to but the present.”
“For me to live decently and productively, I must work.”
“I want to improve – more than I want men, money, or love”
“Love is the most important thing that ever happens to us, but work is a kind of love.”

But, the documentary notes, she felt unfulfilled, even as she found success.

“I am alone. I am always alone. No matter what.”

She assessed herself to counteract her self-criticism, but acknowledged the difficulty in doing so.
I remember “When I couldn’t do a thing, and then trying to bring myself up with the fact that I’ve done things right, with moments that were good or even excellent. But the bad is heavier to carry around.”

She struggled with self-doubt, was surprised when people treated her kindly, quick to feel guilt, and sensitive to criticism. She also found true friends, looked toward the future with hope, and tried to learn as much as she could. Unfortunately, she died in an apparent suicide at age 36.


As I reflect on the film, I remember many of the foster children I worked with. Some struggled to prove their worth – to others and to themselves. Many were quick to seek attachment and acceptance from people who mistreated them. Many thrived, loved learning, and pushed themselves to excel, without pushing too hard. Marilyn Monroe went through all of this. “Love Marilyn” is a thought-provoking film, and worth your time on June 17. As you watch it, maybe you’ll wonder, as I do, how powerful it would have been for her to have several people consistently speak kindness into her life with no other motivation than to be kind, for no other reason than her inherent worth as a person. Then go and do that for the people in your life. 


Just a note – some parents will find some content objectionable for younger viewers. Marilyn posed for nude photos, and one or two of them are shown, there’s also some rough language. Marilyn is also referred to in one excerpted reading as an “illegitimate” child.  Also, if you're looking for other films that provide insight into the life and thoughts of someone who has been through foster care, check out CLOSURE, a recent documentary about a transracial adoptee from foster care journeying to find her birthfamily.



Check the trailer out here:


Thursday, June 6, 2013

Child Sponsorship and Journey to Jamaa

Sometimes, international adoption is a blessing to an child born into extreme poverty, or whose parents have died. A caring, sensitive family adopts, embraces, and educates their child. A new family is formed, but ties are not cut with the child’s family and culture of birth. Not every child's answer is overseas, though. Some children are able to thrive without leaving their country.  And you can help.

  Journey to Jamaa, a short film available for online viewing or for group gatherings, tells the story of Derick and Margaret. Click here to see the whole film. Derick and Margaret have already lost their father. When their mother dies, Ten (or so) year-old Derick takes his younger sister on a long journey to the home of an aunt. While their aunt is glad to welcome them, their uncle Samuel worries that he cannot accept them. Derick and Margaret’s mother died of an infectious disease and Samuel is unsure if Derick and Margaret are also infected. He also is worried that his small income will not be enough to feed two extra mouths. He prepares to send Derick and Margaret away, but is challenged by a friend. Samuel is a Christian. His friend says that Samuel is OK to send away Derick and Margaret “if it is only your children God has asked you to care for.” The friend reminds him that true faith is “looking after widows and orphans in their distress.” While this verse is often used, sometimes questionably and often rightly used, in Christian adoption culture – it’s hard to think of a more pure interpretation of the verse than this.

Samuel decides to open his home to Derick and Margaret, says that they are family, and tells them, “You are home.” Margaret’s voice closes the story, affirming “I know God is with me, and we will never be alone again.”

It’s a good story. It’s touching. It feels real – in fact, it is derived from the real lives of Derick and Margaret. It also is a bit traumatic – we see their mother die, and one child is struck (not fatally) by a car – so it might not be good viewing for kids.  But part of why I like the film is that it comes with real-life application. It gives the Internet adoption community a way to actively support children, overseas in poverty, to provide them with the opportunity to thrive at home, in their communities.

Are you familiar with child sponsorship?  Several non-profit organizations operate child sponsorship programs. Many are faith-based, although a profession of faith isn’t a requirement to participate. You could also probably find a secular agency if you wanted to. Child sponsorship allows you to support a child as they receive educational, health, and other services. Most programs allow for you to have an ongoing exchange of letters with the child you sponsor, which allows you to offer personal encouragement and love to the child. Jamaa suggests that “a person from someone else’s family can be part of your family.” 

That’s true in adoption, it’s true in close friendships, and I think it’s true, also, in child sponsorship.
Fees are usually quite low – a child’s participation in a community program can be sponsored for around $30 a month. Additional, infrequent gifts are also pretty meaningful. A child I know in Uganda was able to use a $20 gift to buy a goat for his family. Another child used a similarly small gift to buy school clothes.

Some people see their faith as calling them to care for orphans across the world. Others question some aspects of international adoption. Child sponsorship might be something both sides can agree on.

To see the whole 35-minute film, click here: Journey to Jamaa

If you want to sponsor a child, two reputable organizations are World Vision, which is affiliated with the film, and Compassion . If you want to show the film in your area, for free, check out this page.


You might like:  

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Adoption Movie Guide: The Great Gatsby

Jay Gatsby lives a life of luxury on a waterfront home. Right across the water, a lost love lives with her husband. Gatsby tries to win her affection with his newly-created identity, and in doing so, to reclaim the past.


How is This Relevant to Adoption? 
Gatsby changed his name and mannerisms, in the hopes that he could better his life. He surrounds himself with friends, but feels lonely among them. In spite of all of some painful experiences, he is described as “the single most hopeful person.”

Strong Points
The Great Gatsby has the potential to give positive messages – “Don’t try to relive the past; enjoy the future,” and “Find contentment in the life you have.”

Some children and teenagers will connect with the narrator (played by Tobey Maguire), who expresses that he has had to carry “so many secrets” for everyone in his life. The narrator finally moves towards freeing himself from the secrets by writing them down.

Challenges

Lots of alcohol use, “swinger” parties and violence make this a poor choice for younger viewers. In one scene, a woman is hit and killed by a car. There is a murder/suicide.

If Gatsby is the protagonist, the goal of the film is for him to seduce another man’s wife.


Weaknesses

The film is depressing. Gatsby “never accepted his parents,” because he wanted to be “more” than them. And he ultimately didn’t achieve the goals he had wanted. A more positive spin on the same message would be, “Find contentment in the life you have,” but The Great Gatsby doesn’t put it that way. It just seems to convey a message of hopelessness.
 

Recommendations

The Great Gatsby probably won’t appeal to younger viewers. Consider it for teenagers who might be interested in an action flick.

After  the movie


Journaling often helps people get out feelings and secrets that they don’t feel comfortable sharing. Think about providing a journal to your teen and letting him have the time and space to use it.

New to this site? Like this post? Check out the other Adoption Movie Guides!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Seven Things to Like about "The Fosters"

ABC debuted their new show, Fosters, last night. Stef Foster and Lena Adams are an interracial, lesbian couple. They are mothers to three children; Brandon is Stef’s son from a previous marriage. Jesus and Mariana came into the Foster home eight years ago and were adopted five years ago.  Lena and Stef have just taken in placement of Callie, a teenager who released from Juvenile Hall into their care. All four children attend the school where Lena is an administrator. Callie and Brandon were able to rescue Callie’s younger brother, Jude, from an abusive foster father. As the first episode ends, Stef promises that she will make room in the home for both Callie and Jude.

There’s quite a lot to like about The Fosters.

1. Stef and Lena are, in many ways, a diverse family – in that, they mirror many real-world foster families, and hopefully make foster parenting a more approachable concept for many couples. There’s a great need for more foster families.


2. Stef and Lena take in Callie – a teenager who was recently released from Juvenile Hall. Callie’s case worker sort of springs the idea on Lena, and acknowledges that Lena might go to a group home if Stef and Lena don’t take placement of her. Lena agrees to take her in, for a few weeks, and Stef fairly quickly warms to her. Many times, certain elements of a kids’ story make it more difficult for them to be placed, but they need loving homes, too.

3. Stef and Lena are good at welcoming Callie to their home. They go over household rules, provide her with a change of clothing, and ask questions to see her preferences on some aspects of her sleeping arrangement.

4. We are shown the truth behind Callie’s record. Callie has been accused of destroying property. That shows up on kids’ records often enough, and it’s usually viewed as pretty concerning. Callie also runs away from the Fosters’ home. In combination, those two facts might have families looking to have Callie removed from their home – but Stef and Lena hang around long enough to learn the truth behind the record, and all of a sudden, Callie’s behaviors make sense.

5. Stef and Lena have gone out of their way to make it possible for Jesus and Mariana to have contact with their birthmother. Jesus and Mariana are bilingual, and Stef demonstrates her bilingual skills as well. Stef and Lena also consider the possibility that they are putting too much pressure on Jess and Mariana to meet their birthmother.

6. Brandon quickly takes a protective role towards Callie; when he discerns that she is running away, Brandon leaves a conversation with his girlfriend to ensure that Callie is OK.

7. Callie worries that her actions towards saving Jude might require her to be sent away from the Fosters’ home. Stef affirms her beautifully, “You’re not disposable. You’re not worthless.”


A couple things were concerning, and it will be interesting to see how they pan out.

1. Stef’s ex-husband is a police officer who shares a beat with Stef. He comments that Stef and Lena “take in strays like some damn homeless shelter.”

2.  Mariana does meet Ana, her birthmother, but the circumstances are very negative. Ana has asked Mariana to bring her money. Their meeting lasts less than a minute; Ana says Mariana is pretty, tearfully asks her for money, thanks her twice, and then quickly leaves. Jesus had previously ripped a picture of Ana, proclaiming that “this woman is not our mom.”  The initial portrayal of Ana could be developed – like we understood Callie’s story, we might eventually be able to understand Ana’s. I hope so.


Overall, I enjoyed the show. It touched on so many important issues (birthparent contact, what to call birthparents, the “reality” of adopted kids as opposed to biologically-related kids, teenage placements, truth vs. case records), and generally did so quite well. I’m looking forward to following The Fosters as they continue to grow.

Did you see the episode? What did you think?

If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s available for viewing until June 16 here:  

Monday, June 3, 2013

Adoption Movie Guide: Epic

MK hasn’t seen her father in many years. His career – and his marriage – suffered because he became obsessed with his life’s work – tracking and trying to prove the existence of societies of very small forest-dwellers. MK decides to visit her father – and might be considering living with him – but she quickly becomes frustrated to realize that his obsession with his work still overshadows his attention to her.  MK accidentally stumbles upon the society for which her father has been searching, joins it, and develops a better appreciation for her father. Meanwhile, in the fantastical community she finds, small knights ride hummingbirds like flying horses while fighting off evil shark-like creatures.






How is This Relevant to Adoption? 
MK has lost her mother; although it isn’t stated directly, it seems that her mother has passed away. MK shares that she is going through the Five Stages of Grief, and suggests that her father is not.
A large part of the film revolves around the impending birth of a character. If the character is born “in darkness,” or with the villain nearby, the character will be wicked. If the character is born “in light,” the character will be good. The villain has lost a son in a battle, and suggests that capturing the not-yet-born character and making him “a dark prince” would be recompense for his loss.

Strong Points
MK cautions her father that he could lose his relationship with her if he continues to fail to pay attention to her.

One character describes a community as “many leaves, one tree,” meaning that although each person is an individual, we are all connected. This could be a powerful thought to families touched by adoption.

Challenges

MK is actively mourning the loss of her mother; her father doesn’t seem to be mourning it. Later, a mother-figure to the forest community dies. Instead of mourning her loss, a community leader says that she “wouldn’t want us to mourn. She’d want us to celebrate the life of the forest.” By the end of the film, MK appreciates her father more. No resolution is brought to her sense of loss. Kids might walk away from the film thinking that mourning is bad.


Weaknesses

The “born in darkness” / “dark prince” theme is a bit scary, and also seems to exaggerate the importance of  a child’s birth circumstances.


Recommendations

Younger viewers (5-9) might be drawn to Epic. Parental guidance should help separate the good (understanding your parents and appreciating their selflessness, in spite of their imperfections) from the bad.

After  the movie

Do you think the new forest leader could have been good, even if she had been born in “the darkness?”


Why was MK mad at her dad? She changed her mind and decided to stay with him – why? What things should her dad still change?
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