Monday, September 30, 2013

Adoption Movie Guide: Curly Top

Cinemas in the 1930’s featured the adorable antics of the prototypical child star, Shirley Temple. Her blonde curly hair, joyful smile, boundless energy and considerable acting and dancing skills made her a favorite in her era. Her charm lasted; growing up in the 80’s, my parents shared Shirley Temple’s films with me. They’re happy, musical, and might be a reasonable alternative to Disney’s animated lineup. In Curly Top, the seven-year-old Temple stars as Elizabeth Blair, a happy young girl at an orphanage whose energy and boisterousness often get her in trouble with the matrons. Her twenty-year-old sister, Mary, works in the orphanage doing various tasks. One day, Elizabeth is singing a song in the dining hall which riles up the other children. Unfortunately for Elizabeth, the board of directors is visiting this day. The superintendent is a sour old man who is perturbed by her exuberance and demands that she be sent away. Mercifully, another board member – the young, suave Edward Morgan, takes a liking to both Elizabeth and Mary. He wishes to provide for them, and arranges for them to be taken to his house. There’s a catch, though. Edward knows that Elizabeth has been expected to be profusely grateful for everything that ever comes her way. He does not want her to have such expectations on her any more – he wants her to be able to be carefree and to be able to take some things for granted. (In a way, that’s kind of what Maslow’sHierarchy of Needs suggests needs to happen in order for people to thrive –read about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs for kids in foster care here…). Morgan decides that the best way to accomplish this is to provide for her without letting it be known that he is the one doing the providing. He crafts a story wherein a fictional friend named Hiram Jones sends for Elizabeth and Mary. They enjoy their new, luxurious lives even though they don’t immediately know the source.

   

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 
Even in this eighty-year-old film, Shirley Temple’s character captures some of the real concerns that face children in foster care today. She worries about – and is loyal to - her sister. She prays for her pets. She tries to ingratiate herself to those in power over her, but sometimes her age-appropriate behaviors land her in hot water and – unfortunately – threaten the stability of her placement. Like many children in foster care, Elizabeth’s future is determined by the thoughts (and whims, and reactions) of adults. Children in foster care often are placed or moved in response to thought processes that they never knew about; they’re in the dark about the people driving their lives – much as how Elizabeth didn’t understand how or why she ended up in her new home. In Elizabeth’s case, the change was a positive one. I’m hoping that for your kids, the change was also a positive one (and the fact that you’re reading about how to use film to have open conversations with them suggests that it was!). But some of the changes that they’ve experienced in their journey through foster care or adoption may have been negative – and certainly several of those changes involved loss. Not knowing how these changes come about can certainly be disempowering to children – and can also threaten their sense of stability. Communication is so important in every relationship – even the relationship between a child and the parents and professionals making decisions on her behalf.

Prospective adoptive parents might be able to relate to Edward. Once he has his heart set on adopting Elizabeth, he envisions her everywhere in his life and describes it as being “mad – delightfully mad!”

Strong Points
The loyalty and love between sisters Mary and Elizabeth is portrayed very strongly.

Even though they are stern, the orphanage matrons obviously love the children in their care – even the exasperatingly exuberant Elizabeth.

Edward Morgan’s butler is a particularly good friend to Elizabeth. She is uncertain of household rules, and she asks the butler to tell her if she ever does anything inappropriate. It’s helpful to have someone kindly explain what the expected behavior is in a new environment.

Elizabeth eventually is able to express to Edward Morgan that she wants to live with him forever. And – happily – she gets to!

Edward Morgan is dedicated to Elizabeth. He celebrates what other people complain about. He even writes a song about her!


Challenges
 
Curly Top isn’t just set in a different time period. It was made in a different time period. Kids will need to be helped to understand the differences (and perhaps, the similarities) between life today and life in the 1930’s.

Also – Edward Morgan adopts Elizabeth and marries her sister Mary. This is done innocently, and I think it’s more confusing than creepy. Kids need to know that this won’t happen today.


Concerns

One of the orphan matrons speaks negatively to Elizabeth about Elizabeth’s parents, “your late mother and father were in theatrical work, and therefore you came into here without a proper sense of discipline.”

It does seem, for a while, that Elizabeth will be removed from the home.

It seems that the orphanage decides to punish Elizabeth by taking away her pets.

One adult tells Elizabeth, “You’re a bad and wicked child – you know that, don’t you?” She is called a problem and incorrigible.

As much as Edward Morgan means well, his character poses some significant problems. Admittedly, some of these problems may be due to the age of the film – but some of them, not so much. He approaches Elizabeth as a benevolent, wealthy, and to some extent omnipotent helper. He does care for her, but his care is delivered in a somewhat less-than-therapeutic way. He sits down with her and asks her name. She says, “Elizabeth Blair.” He says, “I’ve got a much better name for you than that.”  Later, he decides to legally adopt her while at the same time hiding his identity from her. He tells the orphanage director, “I’ll adopt her, but I’ll tell her I’m acting for a client.”  Morgan hasn’t taken an interest only in Elizbaeth. He eventually proposes to marry her sister Mary. Romantic in the film – problematic in real life.


Recommendations and Conclusions

Curly Top is worth seeing. I noted several concerns,  but I think they’ll be overcome fairly easily. At its heart, this is a happy, kid-friendly, musical movie about a family being made. Secrecy is replaced by truth and a child finds a loving family.

Questions for Discussion
(If your child has previously lived in a group home) – I know you used to live in a large home with many children. What do you remember about it? How was it like the Lakeside Orphanage? What was different about it?
Elizabeth didn’t always know where she would be living or who her parents would be.  Do you ever feel confused? What would you like to know?

What about writing a song about your child?

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Coming Attractions

I'm just about all settled in California, and I'll be uploading new Adoption Movie Guides starting on Monday! Want to know what's on the Review Queue?

- Curly Top -- a 1935 Shirley Temple movie where the child star is adopted from an orphanage along with her older sister.

- The Flintstones - Fred Flintstone sort-of-secretly funds Barney's adoption of Bam Bam!

- Chimpanzee - this recent kid-friendly nature flick shows an orphaned chimp named Oscar finding nurturing from an unlikely source.

- Up - this fanciful story of talking dogs and flying houses begins with a tear-inducing portrayal of a couple falling in love as children, marrying, struggling through infertility, and adjusting their dreams.

- The Blind Side

and more...

Plus, expect Adoption Movie Guides of the soon-to-be released films "Ender's Game" and "Thor: The Dark World"

Also, Adoption at the Movies is nearing it's one-year anniversary, and I'm excited to be working on a recap of Year 1. Plus - Adoption at the Movies will be appearing in the next issue of Adoptive Families Magazine!

Looking forward to Monday!  Get your popcorn ready...

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Moving and Foster Care

 
I moved this week. My wife and I packed up our belongings, loaded up a shipping crate with most of them, crammed the rest into our car, and headed west. We’re back in Southern California. We had tried to find housing in California by using Zillow, but it’s much easier to get a feel for a place in person. Thankfully, we have friends in California that let us stay with them while we completed our search for housing. Soon, we’ll be back at home (in a new home), and life will get back to (an admittedly new version of) normal.

Our move has been a good one. We deliberated for weeks over whether to stay in Missouri or to return to California, and after much prayer, consultation with friends, and discussions with each other, we decided to head back. We’re returning to jobs that were waiting for us, friends that love us, a church that cares about us, and opportunities that excite us. We returned west with the blessings of our families, who really would have preferred us to move loser to them (our families are all East-coast based).  The move is as good as a move can be.



But I still really hate moving. I don’t mean that I hate being someplace new. I just hate the act of moving. There’s a list that I came across during college which highlights the most stressful experiences that a person goes through. Marriage, divorce, change in employment and moving all share space on that list of stressors. Moving is stressful! You have to choose which of your belongings to keep, and which to discard. You’ll say goodbye to people and places that have become familiar and comfortable. You have to learn how to fit in a new environment (even though I’m moving back to California, so much has changed in the last year, and I will have to learn to fit in again…). And, in our case, we moved without even knowing where our ultimate address would be. Moving is stressful, even in the best of circumstances. It’s a stressful time of change, uncertainty, and at least some losses.

And then I remember the hundreds of thousands of children that will pass through foster care at some time this year.

Like moving, foster care is “a stressful time of change, uncertainty, and at least some loss.” Like moving, foster care requires children to “say goodbye to people and places that have become familiar and comfortable.” It requires them to “learn how to fit in a new environment.” It often requires the child to move into a new home “without even knowing where there ultimate address will be.” When I moved, I moved after weeks of deliberations – kids in foster care are often moved with minimal or no notice. When I moved, I had the blessing of my family and friends. When kids in foster care are moved, they often receive blame. When I moved, it was my choice. When kids in foster care move, it’s almost always a choice made by someone else. They’re moved because someone feels that the kids are in danger, or because someone feels the kids are a danger.

Moving is stressful, even in the best of circumstances. In the worst of circumstances, it can be traumatic. Foster kids typically move from a stressful situation, in a stressful process. They deserve – and they need – for the situation they move into to be stable, understanding, forbearing, and loving. Maybe this is where you can help. Foster kids need loving, stable, nurturing, safe, and understanding places to call home – maybe for life, maybe just for a season. You might be that family. You might know someone who could be that family. Your understanding, your stability, and your love can help bring an eventual sense of peace and healing to a child in turbulence.

Want to get started? Google search "foster care" and the name of your county. 


Want to keep reading? These posts might be helpful: What Kids in Foster Care Need, When Foster Care Works, and What to Expect if You Foster-Adopt.

Also, stay connected with Adoption at the Movies on Facebook. Find me on Twitter @AddisonCooper

Monday, September 9, 2013

Adoption Movie Guide: Secondhand Lions

Walter is used to being lied to. He’s accustomed to being left alone. His mother, Mae, is consistently entering new relationships with men and leaving him to fend for himself. This year Mae has decided to go to Las Vegas with Stan. She leaves Walter with two great-uncles, Hub and Garth. Walter has never met his great-uncles, but Mae leaves him with them anyway. She lets Walter know that Hub and Garth are supposedly quite rich; Walter understands that he’s supposed to get them to like him so that they’ll leave their fortune to him. And so, Walter finds himself being cared for by two cranky old men – but they become softer, and he comes to love them.





The Adoption Connection
Many of the adoptions I’ve worked with are relative adoptions. In some cases, a child has been removed from their parents but placed with grandparents. In other cases, a child was left to be raised by grandparents or great-aunts or second-cousins or even friends-that-are-like-family. For those kids, Walter’s experience of being transplanted into the home of distant relatives will probably seem quite familiar.

Strong Points
The circumstances that lead Walter to Hub and Garth are painful, and his initial reception isn’t good (they say, “The last thing we need is some little sissy boy hanging around.”) But Hub, Garth, and Walter quickly warm to each other. In the end, Walter pleads with his mother to let him live with Hub and Garth – and
(SPOILER ALERT)  
they do choose to raise him.  
(END SPOILER)

Even though he is gruff, Hub gives a “what every boy needs to know about how to be a man speech,” which is meaningful to many. Through remembered history and through current life actions, we see that even though Hub is very bristly, he genuinely cares about people. He seems particularly concerned with helping boys learn how to be responsible adults. Hub could be an interesting hero for children who have had difficulty connecting with men. Hub shows how someone can be both tough and kind.

Hub’s speech is pretty positive. “People are mostly good. Honor, courage and virtue mean everything. Power and money are worth nothing. Good triumphs over evil. True love never dies.”

Walter is able to express his need for belonging to Hub, and Hub receives it and responds well.

Challenges
Walter overhears the conversation where his mother tries to pass him off to his great-uncles. This might remind children of painful memories of overheard conversations.

One of Walter’s relatives fears that Walter will get his great-uncles’ money. In an effort to get the money for herself, the relative urges Hub and Garth to “take him to the orphanage right this minute.” Walter explains that he has been in the orphan home before. One of his uncles replies, “It ain’t our fault you got a lousy damn mother.”

Walter’s mother and her new boyfriend try to sabotage Walter’s stable home.  Walter’s mother finally hears his pleas to be left alone, and she listens. The attempts at sabotage do parallel some kids’ experiences in foster care;  but they also parallel the interpretation that some foster parents apply to their kids’ experiences in foster care. In Secondhand Lions, the best thing Mae could do for Walter was to let him go. It’s important to realize that, for kids in foster care, often the best thing their parents can do is to try to reunify. Trying for reunification should not be framed as trying to sabotage a successful foster care placement, and foster parents should be careful not to “wish the birth family would just go away.” On the flip side, there are some situations where a child would be endangered by returning to their family of origin. For kids in that circumstance, Walter’s plea to stay with Hub and Garth might be poignant. Walter’s words are emotionally gripping, “Mom, do something for me for once. Do something that’s best for me.”  It’s up to you as the parent to help your kid apply this scene correctly.
 
Hub and Garth suggest that Mae might sell Walter to them. It’s said as a joke, but it might concern some kids.

Hub and Garth do die by the end of the film. The film presents death in a positive light, but it could be very sad for some kids who’ve already experienced the loss of a primary caregiver. They might also find healing, though, in seeing a grown Walter at peace with their death.

Recommendations
I think this film deserves a pretty high recommendation. The relationship built between Walter, Garth, and Hub is surprisingly healthy. The film also approaches death in a healthy and meaningful way. It also is pretty relevant to grandparent adoption or extended family placement. I can see it being helpful on several levels.


Some Questions for Discussion
Which parents/grandparents have been hard for you to feel close to? Did it ever get better?

Which older relatives or older family friends do you feel the closest to?

Have you ever been lied to by an adult?

What do you want to be like when you’re a young adult? Middle aged? A senior citizen?


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

MeLisa and Ryun: Adoption Movie Night - Yours Mine and Ours

MeLisa and Ryun are a foster-adoptive family in the process of creating a new reality show. Their trailer reached over 1.2 million views on YouTube (you can see it here). I'm excited about a new show that can portray foster-adoption in a positive light. Between MeLisa and Ryun and The Fosters, there are a couple good options out there. MeLisa agreed to share her family's adoption movie night with Adoption at the Movies.




This week was full on total meltdown mornings and evenings. Yelling, accusing, harsh words and hurt feelings. It’s been 6 months now since the girls moved in. Ryun and I are completely adjusted to the new normal. It’s hard to remember life before they were here. Life with the little girls has been good for everyone overall. For the big girls however (aka the “Suddenly Sisters”) adjustment is not coming as easy. It’s a recipe for disaster. 4 parts possessiveness, 5 parts jealousy mixed with 1 part forgiveness.

You can add this item to the pro list of why we choose not to have biological kids. No one can claim parental favoritism. I like to laugh at the approach my dad took when my siblings and I were growing up. We’d ask “who is your favorite?” He’d reply, “I dislike all of you equally.” My father is extremely loving which made it all the funnier. I’ve done my own take on his saying when the kids ask me that same question, I reply “daddy.”

It’s a tough thing when two siblings close in age live together especially in the same bedroom. It’s even harder when you love them both and you know that they’re each hurting and confused with all the changes to their little worlds. How can you broach the topic without making it seem like you’re pointing fingers?

Time for a sibling intervention.

I’ve only seen one episode of the TV show “Intervention” when I was forced to watch it in my TV History class in college. I’m not a big fan of airing people’s pain for ratings, but it did give me an idea of how to try to fix our “suddenly sister’s” dilemma.

Since we’re talking about tweens and not adults (and since I’m a film school dork) I decided that we would use a movie as the catalyst for the intervention discussion. I picked one of my family favorites “Yours, Mine and Ours” starring Rene Russo and Dennis Quaid. [Film Dork Trivia : This movie is actually a remake of the 1968 film starring Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda]

I chose “Yours Mine and Ours” because it not only deals with family blending, but it also promotes a healthy view of foster care and adoption. Not many movies accomplish that.


The Plan

Watch the film while we all stuffed our faces with popcorn.

Afterward discuss how the film mirrors our family life.

Ask the girls if they can relate to how the characters felt.

Everyone cries, says they’re sorry then hugs and makes up.


What Actually Happened

We did watch the film and ate gross amounts of popcorn.

The girls felt like a deer in headlights when they realized we were going to have a “talk” after the movie.

The girls started out hostile, but then began to see things from the other person’s point of view.

I mentioned how they had both had prayed for a sister close to their age and how they had each gotten what they wanted.

We let them know how “hard we know this is”, but how they need to show love first. (and if they can’t then “fake it til they feel it”)

Each of the girls said sorry and that they would try harder followed by a (forced) hug.


The Aftermath


It’s been noticeably better since we had the sibling intervention. There has been a lot more kindness and a lot less jealously. It reminds me how import it is to get to the root of the problem and talk it out. (even if you don’t think they’re listening). I know we have a long way to go with these two, but I also see where they can be headed. A sister is an amazing gift. One that I hope these two will treasure for a lifetime.

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Learn more about MeLisa and Ryun

Want to do your own family movie night? Try starting with Meet the Robinsons or Despicable Me 2, or browse all of our Adoption Movie Guides
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