Getting the Message Out There

Adoption at the Movies is about helping families talk and think honestly, thoroughly, and openly about adoption. The Adoption Movie Guides on this site are geared towards adoptive families watching them together, and then talking together.  It's also great when folks who are thinking about adopting have a chance to consider important adoption issues ahead of time. That way, they'll be better-prepared to meet the unique needs of their kids, once they do adopt.



The Church of the Nazarene is a 2-million member Christian denomination; they just shared about Adoption at the Movies on their site. Hopefully this site can be a part of the Internet Adoption Community's progress towards creating healthier adoptions.    Thanks for being a part of this journey, and for letting me journey with you. If you've got friends considering adoption, please share Adoption at the Movies with them!

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Adoption Movie Guide: Monsters, Inc.

What scares you?

He's not really that scary...

For many kids, the scary monster is a vague notion of something in the closet or under the bed. Bottom-bunk siblings, it’s nothing personal. Think about Calvin and Hobbes, worried that “something under the bed is drooling.” For me, the monster was Doc. Yes – the dwarf from Snow White. I’m not sure why.

Anyway, the monsters actually work together and use the fear of small children to power their city. It’s a pretty good plan for the monsters, except that they’re actually just as terrified of children. One monster tries to capture a child and torture her to get more screams, but he fails. Eventually, one monster figures out that laughter is even more powerful than terrified screams.

 

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

Monsters, Inc. doesn’t deal with adoption. It appeals to a general audience – because all kids have fears. For many kids who were adopted from foster care, though, the fears might not be tied to imaginary monsters, but rather to real people who abused them, or to real, traumatic events. The movie is, to some degree, a tale of a child triumphing over fear. It could be therapeutically useful to some children who have fears that are grounded in real historical events which are unlikely to be repeated.

Book Review: The Red Thread

In the Red Thread by Grace Lin, a king and queen feel a mysterious pain. They realize that someone is pulling at their hearts. They seek long and far to find the one pulling at their hearts, and find that it is an infant in China. They are told that the child is theirs, and so they take the child home to be their princess.

This book is vibrantly illustrated, and incorporates a Chinese legend that those destined to meet each other are connected by a thread. The books incorporates some Chinese culture, and also leaves a clear message to adoptees that the adoptive parents feel a pull on their hearts which leads them to the children they adopt.

This book could be good for families that have been formed through adoption, with children up to age 10. The story is fun and portrays adoption in a very favorable light.

Some cautions to consider and questions to ask as you read this book, though: it provides a simplified version of an adoption process. Also, by using the concept of people being destined to be together, it could be seen as suggesting that no other placement (including with the first family) would have been possible.

I’ve recently read on blogs written by birth mothers that the concept of adoptions being “destined” is a bit difficult – did God or fate decide that the best way for these two people to meet was to have the baby born to a birthmother in difficult circumstances? Stories told that way seem to view birthparents as “vessels” rather than as individual people.  

This is a fun story. It can be used to communicate to your children that you love them and feel connected to them. And it can also be a great opportunity for you to intentionally ask yourself, “How did I end up as the parent of this child?” Is it fate? God trying to bring good out of a difficult situation? Random chance?  Your answer will most likely color your child’s understanding of his or her life story.


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Book Review: Pinky and Rex and The New Baby

Bunnicula author James Howe has written a very short chapter book about a girl named Rex whose parents adopt a baby boy named Matthew. 

Her best friend, a boy named Pinky, initially encourages the anxious Rex: babies are OK, you can handle it. Rex quite likes being a big sister, and becomes less available to Pinky. He is bothered by this. As Rex becomes more used to her new role, she is able to step away from the baby and play more with Pinky.

The third chapter of the book addresses adoption. Pinky and his sister ask their parents whether they were adopted. The answer, and the book’s explanation of adoption, is: you’re not adopted, but Rex’s parents wanted a second child, and for reasons no one knows, they couldn’t have one. So they adopted Matthew.  

The children ask who gave birth to Matthew, and the answer is that his birth mother was “a young woman who loves him but couldn’t take care of him.” Pinky’s parents acknowledge that they’re not sure why she couldn’t care for him, but they are sure that she “loved him so much that she was willing to let other people become his parents.” I wish there was more information on her.

There are a few good messages in this book. The book shows that older siblings don’t need to be parentified to be special, that children will feel different ways at different times about their new siblings, and that life does return to normal even after big changes.  For those reasons, this book could be helpful to a new (or soon-to-be) big brother or sister, as well as to a friend of a child whose family adopts a new child.

Buy it / borrow it /  skip it?    Borrow it.

The Oscars are Coming!

It's almost time for the Academy Awards! I was recently invited to guest-post at America Adopts. I appreciate their commitment to teaching about openness in adoption. In training prospective foster/adoptive parents, I noticed that the majority hadn't yet asked themselves about how they would approach openness; I'm grateful when agencies are proactive in raising the question and genuine in their efforts to educate about the benefits of openness. Please jump over to their blog to read my post, "Using Movies to Talk About Open Adoption." Please comment, too! As we create a culture that expects openness and honest communication in adoption, more adoptions will be characterized by open, healthy communication.

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On February 24, we’ll know the winners of the 85^th Academy Awards. Maybe you’re not enough of a movie buff to tune in to the Oscars, but you may have seen some of the Best Picture nominees. Or subscribed to Netflix. Or stopped by Redbox. We watch films because they’re entertaining, because they create a sense of shared culture, and because they connect with our stories in powerful ways. We imagine ourselves into the story, and we’re able to do that because the characters reflect parts of ourselves and parts of our stories. Films can get people talking and thinking about important things.  

Like adoption issues.

Families interested in open adoption are hoping to build a relationship with the first family of their children. They see how openly-shared relationships, information and stories can benefit to themselves, the first family, and the child. A family with an open adoption is pursuing honest and open communication as well as contact. Attention is often given to maintaining open communication between both sets of parents, and between the child and the first parents, but there’s also value in open, adoption-centered communication between the adoptive parents and the child. Some families intend to have this communication but find it difficult to establish. 

Questions like, “How do you feel about the relationship between your two sets of parents?” and “How does being adopted impact your identity?” might help a child identify and talk through feelings which they find confusing, but adoptive parents might find it difficult to ask those questions in a non-threatening way. Movies can help start the conversations. 

Oscar Best Picture nominee Les Miserables shows the unconditional love that Jean Valjean has for both his adopted daughter Cosette and for Cosette’s mother, Fantine. A conversation about the love between adoptive parents and first parents could naturally flow from this movie. 

Read the Rest on AmericaAdopts


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You might also enjoy these Adoption Movie Guides of this year's Best Picture Nominees!

Adoption Movie Guide: Les Miserables
Adoption Movie Guide: Life of Pi


Feel like reading even more?  These two guest posts could be good reads!

Open or Closed? The History of Openness in Adoption in the United States
4 Things Social Workers Can Do to Avoid Burning Out.

Adoption Movie Guide: December Boys

What defines family? 

  Do we expect children to forget their first family once they’re adopted?

At a Catholic orphanage in Australia, four boys have bonded together . It happened almost naturally; the orphanage groups children together by the month of their birth, and so Maps, Spark, Spit, and Misty have celebrated their birthdays jointly for years. They are the December boys. As a special birthday present, the boys are sent to spend some time with an elderly couple in a beach town. Although they had given up hope of being adopted, their hope is rekindled by their time with the family and reignited when Misty overhears a neighbor express his desire to adopt one of the boys. Three of the boys strive to seem “most adoptable,” and the oldest boy expresses a lack of interest. In the end, Misty is chosen by the neighbors but decides to remain with the other December Boys.

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

December Boys has lots of relevance to adoption. Children at an orphanage desire to be adopted, and are discouraged when other children are chosen instead. The December boys thrive when they’re able to stay with a loving family. Some children become so discouraged that they give up hope of being adopted. Meanwhile, a family struggling with infertility wrestles with the decision of whether to pursue adoption. And ultimately, one of the children is forced to decide on his personal definition of family.

Misty initially defined adoption as “the constant belief that somehow I’d be saved [from the orphanage, into a family].” By the end of the film, he declines an opportunity to be adopted in favor of staying with his lifelong friends. He explains to the prospective adoptive parents, “I already have a family.”

The Open Adoption Blog Hop asks for a favorite quote. For adoption quotes, Misty's "I already have a family" is right up there. Adoption adds to a child's family, rather than replacing it.

Strong Points

December Boys lends itself to introspection; ti provides windows into the emotions of many of its characters, including two of the December boys and a couple frustrated with their infertility.

Book Review: The Coffee Can Kid

Jan M. Czech’s story of international adoption – The Coffee Can Kid - is illuminated by Maurie J. Manning’s large, bright illustrations.

The story shows Annie, a young girl adopted from a far away land, reach into a closet to bring out a coffee can with special items related to her adoption story. Her father holds her and shares some of her story with her. She was born far away to a single woman. Though the woman lived with her mother, the woman was too young and the grandmother too old to care for the baby. She had no money and no husband. She gave the baby a special name and then took her to a child home to be adopted, again, because she did not have enough money. The child home found new parents for Annie, parents in the United States. The coffee can holds a letter from the birth mother, which the American parents cannot read but for which they do have a general translation, and a photograph from the day Annie was relinquished. Annie wonders where her birth mother is; her father expresses, “I wonder too. I don’t know.”

This book does show the importance of pre-adoption history. Annie knows her birth name and its meaning, and a bit of how she came to live with her parents. She knows she can look at her pictures whenever she wants. The book shows that it’s OK to ask questions, even if your parent doesn’t know the answers.

My concerns with the book are the circumstances of Annie’s adoption. Her birth mother is portrayed as choosing adoption because of financial issues. Annie’s parents had money. Annie never asks why they didn’t just give the birth mother money. The issue of openness is never broached; Annie never asks why there is no contact between her birth mother and her American mom and dad. The book falls short of perfection, but it still encourages open communication between adoptive parents and adoptees. And that’s an important start.

Buy it / Borrow it /  Skip it?    Borrow it. Buy it if it works for you

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Find this review helpful? You might appreciate the other Adoption Kids' Book Reviews

Adoption Movie Guide: Identity Thief

Who are you? And how do you know?

Sandy Patterson is a responsible accountant. He lives in Denver, pays his bills and supports his wife and two children. But he’s arrested for a crime committed in Florida. His identity has been stolen by a woman who uses his name and financial information to empty his bank account and fill up his criminal record. He goes to Florida to find her, intent on bringing her back to Colorado to have her face justice and clear his name. She tells him that her name is Diana. As they travel together, Sandy learns more of the woman’s story; he comes to empathize with her and care about her. She has no family, and does not know her own identity. When they arrive in Colorado, Sandy has forgiven her, but she turns herself in to the police. Sandy and his family have decided to act as her family; they visit her in prison and encourage her as she studies for a career.

 

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

Diana was dropped off at a police station. She does not know her parents’ names – she does not know her own name. She describes herself as “unwanted” and as a “dumpster baby.” She travelled through foster care, and had six names – and at least six homes – by the time she aged out. She explains that no one has ever cared for her, and that she really just wanted someone to be a parent to her. Without guidance, she has gotten into crime and tries to fend for herself. She is lonely; she tries to impress others with her lifestyle and with fabricated, fantastic stories about her family. At the end of the film, she has found nurturing acceptance from Sandy and his family. He has found her original birth certificate and provides it to her so that she can know her name; she accepts it, but asserts that she already knows who she is.

"Everyone's Good at Something" - Social Jerk's guest review of Precious

"What movie has connected with your story in a powerful way?" Two weeks ago, Adoption at the Movies hosted the first in a series of guest posts by adoption and social work bloggers. Adoptive mom and adoption author Lori Holden shared her thoughts on The Blind Side. This week, anonymous Bronx social work blogger "Social Jerk" shares her reflections on the film Precious. Enjoy!

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When the idea of social work blogging about movies was raised, Precious was my first thought. Well, that's a lie. My first thought was to elaborate on my plans to become social worker at Hogwarts. Then I remembered that I'm a grown up, and Precious was my second thought. It's in my tagline! So it was a pretty obvious choice.

 It came out at a pretty pivotal time for my social work career. I was about four months in, so I knew some stuff. I wanted to see the movie for obvious reasons. Multiproblem families in New York are kind of my jam, especially teenagers. Not to mention all the buzz Mariah Carey was getting for playing a social worker.

Ultimately, I had mixed feelings about the movie.

If you haven't seen it, I do recommend it. It's the story of a young woman from a horrifically abusive home, who finds a mentor and support in a GED program and manages to discover her self worth. That makes it sound significantly happier than it, in fact, is, but does about sum it up.

We'll start with the film's strengths. This is an important part of social work, and is also just good manners.

Gabourey Sidibe was fricking awesome, no question. And while I don't care for his music, I would happily pay twelve dollars to watch Lenny Kravitz sit quietly in a rocker reading Good Night Moon.

NASW Media Awards

Well, that’s a surprise!

Adoption at the Movies is one of three single-topic blogs nominated for this year’s National Association of Social Worker Media Awards. The other two are also very interesting. Darlene Tando blogs about working with transgendered clients. Martha Crawford’s blog, What a Shrink Thinks, gives insight into being a therapist and has been helpful to me as I’ve started my work as a therapist.

I browsed the links to nominees in other categories, as well. I found two movies that I’ll be reviewing soon. I also found:

The heartwarming story of a teen who overcame abuse, abandonment and two bouts of cancer and still managed to get a full athletic scholarship to college

The story of the first military social worker to be killed in action

Ways to avoid burnout

A social network to support teens who are aging out of foster care

Check out the sites on the ballot - there's a lot of good stuff there! Vote if you like. NASW Media Awards 2013.

And come back tomorrow for a guest post from one of the funniest social work bloggers on the Internet.

Adoption Movie Guide: X-Men: First Class

Your story is unique, and you didn't get to choose it. You do get to choose how it influences your world view.

Sometimes you feel like an outsider. Charles Xavier reads other people’s minds. Erik Lensherr moves metal with his mind, especially when he’s angry.  Hank McCoy has prehensile feet. Raven often disguises the fact that her skin has a particularly bright shade of blue. Do you view your uniqueness as a curse or as a blessing? Does it help you live a fulfilling life, or does it create a sense of “You against the world?”

Sebastian Shaw is a unique person (unfortunately, the movie’s term is “Mutant”) who tries to use his uniqueness to rule the world. Charles tries to stand in his way by gathering a group of differently-gifted people to oppose him.

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

A person touched by adoption has a life story that differs from the experiences and expectations of many others. Some view their unique story as a building block for community: like Charles, they find joy in their story and seek out others with similar experiences. Some experience it with a level of distress: like McCoy and Raven they fear being ridiculed or misjudged by others, wish that their story was hidden, and struggle to come to accept themselves. Some, like Lensherr, view their story with pain and anger and are uncertain how to direct their lives in light of their experience. All are on a journey of processing.

 

 X-Men: First Class is an excellent study in choosing what to do with the hand you’ve been dealt.

Book Review: We Wanted You

In Liz Rosenberg’s We Wanted You, a family reflects on their experience of waiting and preparing for a child whom they have since adopted. The story shares how the adoptive parents wanted and waited to adopt a child. They were excited to have the child added to their family, and still are. They acknowledge that they are not the “first father and mother” of the child, and they express that in spite of this, they are “really” parents to the child because of all they have done.

This book is worth a look; the cover artwork suggests that the family has adopted cross-culturally, which maybe adds emphasis to the statement that they are “really” parents. I can see this book being helpful in situations where a child feels like he or she doesn’t fit into a family because of different appearances. This could be a helpful resource for cross-cultural adoptive families with young children. A Mother for Choco and You’re Not My Real Mother both serve similar purposes. 

We Wanted You does not do much to address the child’s first family; it seems to simply acknowledge their existence. You can make this book a better tool by adding a page or two about your child's first family.


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Book Review: The Best Single Mom in the World: How I Was Adopted

Mary Zisk shares from her heart in this self-illustrated story. The narration is in the voice of the young daughter, who re-creates the family’s ritual recitation of her adoption story. Mom was single and happy, but wanted to share her life with a child. She went to an adoption agency who searched “high and low, near and far, all over the world” for a child in need. They found one overseas, who had a birthmother who “wanted the best for you but… couldn’t take care of you.” So the mom flew overseas, met her, and brought her home.

I appreciate that this book addresses single parenthood; most adoption kids’ books show two-parent families. This book allows the child to admit, “sometimes I wish we had a dad in our family.” It also highlights positive male influences in the child’s life, and affirms the child’s happiness with her mother (the book starts and ends with the child affirming that her mother is the best mother in the world.)

The book is good in that it provides a rare resource for children in a not-very-rare situation.

I have some reservations, though. Although the book acknowledges that the birth mother could not take care of the child, the feel of the book really is more about “finding a child for a mom” rather than “finding a mom for a child.” I imagine that wasn’t the author’s intent, but it is quite possible to read that message in the book. We know very little about the birth mother. Why couldn’t she care for the child? Will there be any contact? What is her name? We’re not told anything.

If you’re a single adoptive parent, this book could be helpful, but you’ll probably need to add quite a bit of your child’s own story into it to make it more complete. As it stands, it’s missing quite a bit.

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Adoption Movie Guide: Batman Begins

Today I'm posting at Reel Spirituality. Here's the first part of the article - please click over there for the rest! 

Bruce Wayne has a charmed life.  He has loving, supportive parents, a loyal, caring butler, and a palatial estate to call home. But tragedy strikes. One evening, young Bruce is at the opera with his parents. Bruce, afraid of bats, is terrified by a scene in which the actors are dressed as bats. He asks his father to let him leave. While standing in an alley outside of the theater, Bruce’s parents are mugged and murdered. Although the murderer was caught, Bruce struggled with anger and guilt – his fear brings his parents into the alley. Bruce is raised by Alfred, but leaves home as a young adult to study the criminal mind. He learns to confront his fear and decides to use fear to terrify criminals. Symbolic of his attempt to master his own fear, Bruce takes on an alter-ego and becomes Batman.

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

When Bruce’s parents die, Alfred is left to care for Bruce. Bruce travels the world and struggles with finding his identity but is always able to trust Alfred. Alfred repeatedly affirms that he will never give up on Bruce. Bruce asks why Alfred cares about him and about the Wayne family, and Alfred expresses that it’s because he was entrusted with caring for Bruce by Bruce’s father.

Bruce feels guilt over his parents’ death and masks the feeling of guilt with anger. Many adoptees do struggle with feelings of guilt over their separation from their parents, and sometimes that feeling of guilt is expressed through anger.  

Please click on over to Reel Spirituality for the rest of this review

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Adoption Movie Guide: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Adoption Movie Guide: Les Miserables

Adoption Movie Guide: Twilight

Adoption Movie Guide: The Hobbit

What to Expect if You Foster/Adopt

Adoptions from foster care happen when a trained and approved foster family adopts a child that's been living with them in foster care. Sometimes the child was moved to their home through a "matched placement" - this happens when a child has been in foster care for a long time, reunification with their family is unlikely, and the previous foster home wouldn’t commit to adopt the child. Other children are adopted by their longtime foster parents. 

Some are adopted through extended family or NREFM (say nerf-em) placements, which stands for "non-related extended family member" – in these cases, someone knows a specific child in foster care and gets trained and approved as a foster parent for the express purpose of adopting that child. Adoptions are completed by grandparents, sports coaches, teachers, Sunday School leaders, family friends, and parents of the child’s friends.

Most foster care adoptions happen within the state of the child’s residence, but adoptions across state lines are possible. In some cases, foster-adoptive placements are even made internationally.

If you’re interested in adopting an older foster child, a sibling set in foster care, or a child in foster care with special needs, your best first step is to contact a foster care agency or a child welfare agency and ask to be certified. There is a great need for families open to adopting these kids. The agency will require that your family complete a thorough process of training and assessment called a home study.

The term “home study” is a bit of a misnomer. Although it sounds like a house inspection, it is really more like a series of biographical interviews of you and your family. Training is offered to bring you “up to speed” on the experiences of the children in foster care as well as general and specialized parenting skills. Your house is inspected, and you are coached on how to bring it into compliance with foster care regulations. Home studies can take several months to complete, and once it’s completed you will be certified as a foster and adoptive parent.

Once you're certified, you’ll need to choose between the two main ways in which kids might come to your home. One is through traditional foster care. There are many children in foster care in the US, and many of their families are able to reunify fairly quickly. Many counties practice concurrent planning - they work on helping families reunify, but also find a foster family willing to adopt the child, in case reunification cannot happen. Foster/adopt parents who succeed in this situation understand that the main goal is for the child to reunify with their family, but who are also willing to adopt the child if reunification cannot happen. The most successful parents in this role are those who love children and are willing to adopt, but are not desperate to adopt.

Football and Family - The Blind Side as an Adoption Movie

I'm really excited about this! I've asked several adoption bloggers to share about a movie that's connected with their adoption story in a powerful way. New guest posts will run every other week or so, on Fridays. With the Superbowl two days away it seems fitting that the first post, by adoption blogger and author Lori Holden, is about the touching, family-friendly football film, The Blindside.

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It was my turn to pick the Date Night movie, since Husband had chosen Sherlock Holmes over the holiday break. His worry and my fear were that my pick would be too sappy, too predictable, too easy to know the whole story from just the trailer.

But. The Blind Side begins with football (a clip of Joe Theismann and Lawrence Taylor) and ends with football (spoiler avoidance). So Husband was quickly on board. And he STAYED on board due to the strength of the acting, the interesting plot twists (that seem slightly over-the-top, except that they actually happened), and the endearing, welling-up feel-good story. You probably already know that The Blind Side is an adoption story. A transracial adoption story. A crack-addicted biological mom, a barely-known father, and a shattered childhood story.

(Technically, there wasn't an adoption -- just legal guardianship out of foster care.)

Still. It's the story of a boy with no family (functionally speaking), and a family who was open to him. Of the openness on both sides that allowed for an amazing transformation of both the boy and the family.

Sandra Bullock plays Leigh Ann Tuohy, a Memphis socialite and lover of beautiful things, a steel magnolia with an unyielding will. Singer Tim McGraw is her husband, Sean, owner of a slew of Taco Bells who doesn't need to report to work on a regular schedule. They have two children: Collins, a high school cheerleader, and SJ (Sean Jr), a young and precocious boy who befriends the older and lonely Michael, played exquisitely by Quinton Aaron.

Michael, 16-ish, quiet and somewhat lost, has been in and out of foster homes most of his life. He eventually leaves each one to seek his elusive mother, sometimes finding her and sometimes not. He owns the clothes on his back and an extra shirt. He hangs out at a laundromat. By chance, he gets into a private school.

Where he struggles academically. Where he crosses paths with SJ and later with the whole Tuohy family. Where testing shows that he scores incredibly low on every measured criteria except one: Protective Instinct, which is at 98%. This proves to be the key to both Michael's past as well as his future.