Adoption Movie Guide: Admission

Portia Nathan is an admissions officer at Princeton University.  Clarence, the Dean of Admissions, is intending to step down, and Portia is competing with Corinne for his position. Portia is invited by her old college classmate, John Pressman, to visit a new, innovative school of which he is the founder. Although she initially dismisses the idea, she later accepts the invitation in an effort to appear innovative. After all, she wants Clarence’s job. John soon reveals one of his reasons for inviting her – he knows that she placed a child for adoption, and believes that one of his students is her son.  Portia initially dismisses this, but begins thinking about it. When her boyfriend leaves her, she begins thinking more about Jeremiah, who may be her son. She becomes increasingly invested in Jeremiah’s success, breaks rules to get him accepted into Princeton, and then learns that he is not her son, after all. She visits an adoption agency and requests to be put in contact with her actual son; the agency takes her information, and eventually sends her a letter saying that her son is not yet ready to meet her. As the film ends, Portia accepts that her situation isn’t all bad.

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

Adoption touches many lives in this film. Portia placed her son for adoption. She comes to believe that Jeremiah is her son, and has awkward interactions with him and his adoptive parents. When she does directly tell Jeremiah that she is his mother, he explains that she is not – he has already found his birthmother, but hadn’t told his adoptive parents because he didn’t want to hurt them. Portia tries unsuccessfully to establish contact with her son. John Pressman travels the world doing good; he has adopted Nelson from Uganda, explaining that Nelson’s mother and uncle died, and Nelson needed a family.

 

Strong Points

John introduces Nelson as “my son.” He leaves it to sixth-grade Nelson to explain, “I’m adopted. I was born in Uganda.” John respects Nelson’s story here, but also has helped Nelson cultivate an acceptance and comfort with his own story. John also describes his adoption of Nelson as “the best thing I’ve ever done.” He graphically demonstrates that he cares about Nelson more than he cares about his accomplishments.

John has been expecting Nelson to travel the world doing good. Nelson is able to express that he wants geographical stability. Although Nelson briefly runs away to make his point, John gets it. He apologizes to Nelson, and backs out of a planned move to Ecuador in order to provide Nelson with the stability he craves.

Challenges

One character asks Portia, “you never wanted kids?” This is a powerful and painful question to people who’ve struggled with infertility, and is also quite painful to Portia. Her response is a quiet, sarcastic, “I love that question.”

Portia’s discomfort with John’s discussion of adoption makes a lot of sense once we know Portia’s backstory. Some viewers will certainly relate.

Adoption Movie Guide: The Invisible Red Thread

Who are you, how did you get here, and what would your life be like if you hadn't been adopted into this family? The Invisible Red Thread follows 15-year-old Vivian as she tries to answer these questions.

Vivian was adopted from China in 1995. She is now on the cusp of adulthood, and is wrestling with questions of identity. She describes herself as a “very Westernized” person who doesn’t “feel Asian.” Vivian’s family has shared openly with her about her adoption, but she still has questions. Her parents support her self-exploration, and they prepare to go with her on a trip to China. Although Vivian’s mother becomes ill, Vivian and her father, Hubert, do make the trip. They visit Shumin, a girl of Vivian’s age who was adopted at the same time as Vivian, but by a Chinese family. They also visit the orphanage where Vivian spent her first months. In this hour-long documentary, Vivian experiences culture shock, learns about her roots, and finds some answers to the questions she’s been asking. 

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

Vivian’s family openly discusses her story and supports her desire to learn more about her roots. The family has some roots to China: her older sister, Hillary, was adopted from China two years before Vivian, and her father Hubert has Chinese ancestry. Identity and control (two of the “Seven Core Issues in Adoption” as identified by Silverstein and Roszia) feature prominently in this documentary. Vivian’s desire to learn her roots shows a desire for identity. She deals with the lack of control in her early life by wondering what her life would have been like had she been adopted by a Chinese family. By the end of the film, Vivian has found answers to both questions. The issues touched on by the documentary expand its scope beyond international adoption to all adoption. 

 

Strong Points

Adoption Movie Guide: Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Away...

 Anakin doesn’t have a father. A young child, he lives in poverty (actually, in slavery) – but he’s got his friends, he tinkers with race cars, dreams about space travel, idolizes space rangers called Jedi, and loves his mother. And then he meets the Jedi. The two men invite him to travel the galaxy with them and promise that he will learn much along the way. He leaves with the men, after receiving a tentative blessing from his mother, and he promises to come back later to free her.

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

Anakin is separated from his mother voluntarily, but (in a future movie) loses her against his will. She dies, and he believes that this loss is due to his absence. Some separations of child and mother are the result of voluntarily-made choices,  and some separations are involuntary. In the real world, these choices are made either by a pregnant woman (and maybe her partner) or by a department of social services. Although the choices are almost never made by the children, children often feel a strong sense of loss which can be expressed in anger and an unjustified sense of guilt. Anakin did make the choice to leave his mother. Although his choice was made with her blessing, he eventually feels anger and guilt for her loss.

In a way, Anakin is adopted by the Jedi. The two men who take him, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, are members of a larger group of Jedi. This larger group becomes Anakin’s family; they accept him to varying degrees, care about him, discipline him, and hope for his growth.

Strong Points

This movie captures Anakin’s conflicted feelings. He leaves his mother to pursue his dreams, but fully intends to return and to make her life better. As he prepares to leave, he echoes the heart of many children, “I don’t want things to change.” His mother affirms, “but you can’t stop the change.”

This movie shows that everyone can be special, powerful, and important regardless of the circumstances of their life. Anakin lived in slavery, but had the potential to save the galaxy.

Perfect Moment Monday: Communication

Lori at Lavender Luz encourages us to find the perfect moments in our day-to-day life; moments that just happen, rather than moments that are prefabricated. It’s an exercise in mindset, choosing to acknowledge the small, easily unnoticed blessings in our day.  

I guess it was bound to happen. Most feedback I get while giving trainings is positive. I usually feel validated by that feedback. Some is negative but constructive, which – although not always pleasant to receive, is probably the most helpful kind. I’d been fortunate enough to avoid mean-spirited feedback – and that suits me fine, because my preference is for people to like me! But it came, finally. The mean-spirited feedback which is so easy to take personally. “A waste of an hour of my life. I won’t ever get that hour back. Complete BS.” It kind of took me by surprise.  It also wasn’t anonymous.

I’m not really sure why I did what I did next. Part of St. Francis’ prayer has been replaying in my head for months, “May I seek not so much to be understood, but to understand.” Maybe that was it. Or it could have been Jesus’ teaching – “If you remember that your brother has something against you, go and be reconciled to him before offering your gift on the altar,” which I’ve exegeted to mean, “If someone’s mad at you, try to fix it.” Or maybe it was the story of a journalist who connected with people who’d left insulting comments on his articles and found that, when spoken to kindly, they weren’t really as mad as they sounded in writing.

Whatever reason, I jotted a note to the person. “I’m sorry that this was such a negative experience for you, and that my points didn’t seem valid. If you’re willing to share, I’m willing to listen and learn from you, and I’d like to know your point of view.”

And then, a perfect moment happened. My critic wrote back, and respectfully explained how the training had touched on some of his personal triggers. He thanked me for the work I’m doing. And while that felt good, the part that felt the best was that interpersonal damage was overcome, and through listening and conversation, became productive. And that felt really good. I’ve gotten more negative feedback since then, and my goal is to always respond in a similar way. Sometimes, folks aren’t interested in talking, and they just wanted to vent. Sometimes, folks are interested in talking, but not interested in conversing. But most of the time, people are open to conversation.

And as I type this, I realize how much I believe the underlying theme in this story: Communication, without defensiveness and fueled by a desire to simply understand the other person’s point of view, can restore relationships that have been hurt by misunderstandings.

flickr.com / buddawiggi

For more (and longer!) feel-good reading, you might like to revisit my other Perfect Moment Monday posts:

·         A Child Gets Out of Foster Care

·         A Child is Listened To

Or visit Lori’s page and explore the other Perfect Moments submitted this month. And maybe even add your own. Check it out at Lavender Luz .

·         All case stories are fictionalized combinations of several histories, altered for confidentiality.

Nia Vardalos on Adoption, Movies, and Her New Book

“I’m not judging anyone for their questions and concerns about adopting. I had fears too, and it’s one of the many reasons I want to tell this story...”

“Anyone who ever wondered how much they could love a child who did not spring from their own loins, know this: It is the same”    - Nia Vardalos, Instant Mom

Nia Vardalos desired to be a mom, but Mother Nature stood in her way. Instant Mom is Nia’s story of fighting Mother Nature and then finding a way around her. But it’s also Nia’s story of waiting through times of uncertainty in the adoption matching process. And it’s also Nia’s story of meeting her daughter. It’s the story of her daughter immediately making Nia’s house a home, and Nia and her husband Ian eventually helping to make their home, their daughter’s home.  With humor and sensitivity, Nia shares her journey through infertility treatments, adoption education, fost-adopt matching, parenting, finalization, and more parenting.  She casually shows the need of older kids to be adopted, the potential for openness in adoption to include grandparents, and the value of pets in helping a child feel secure in a new home. Along the way, she deals with people who unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) say hurtful things, media who learn when to keep secrets, and a coyote masquerading as a dog.

I read it from cover-to-cover in one night. I smiled when Nia’s daughter told the family dog, “Manny, you’re adopted, too!” I laughed out loud as Nia and her daughter drew ire from their elevator companions by making fart news. I was intrigued as Nia and her husband helped their daughter participate in choosing her own new name. I cringed inwardly as her daughter screamed through her baptism. I jotted down notes as Nia gave advice worthy of foster care trainings, like, “Don’t make everything a teachable moment.”  I was touched by her sensitivity, as she encouraged waiting parents that, when you finally do meet your child, it’s like an oven fan turns off, and the noise that you didn’t realize was bothering you is silenced. I was particularly impressed at the thorough, informed, and sensitive “How to Adopt” appendix. You can pre-order Nia’s book on Amazon right now.

Nia spoke with Addison Cooper of Adoption at the Movies to share about her book and her journey towards parenthood.

Addison:   Nia, you said that you’re an inherently optimistic person that was in a bleak situation, and many folks that are wanting to adopt are nervous, anxious, or frightened. How did you stay hopeful?

Nia: I gathered information, and statistically, even the most doubting person would have to admit and accept that this does work. There are just so many adoptions that are viable forms of parenting; why are only listening to the few (negative stories) that the media has picked up?

Addison: There are so many horror stories, even if adoption does form a family, that adopted kids are going to have problems or challenges that are going to be insurmountable. (In your book) even a guy in the park said, “Aren’t you afraid that your child is going to be damaged?”  What would you say to folks who are considering adoption but are kind of scared away by what they’ve heard?

Nia: I would just say gather the facts, listen to the statistics, see how many adoptions stick, work, form wonderful, wonderful families, and just follow your instincts.

Addison: Nia, what part of the adoption process came really easily to you, and which were the parts that were more challenging?

Nia: The part that absolutely was challenging was when I went to the State and met with some abrupt social workers that day. Now, I’m not saying that most are (like that). As I say in the book, I know that there are wonderful state social workers. Eventually, I did meet them. But that day, the two people that I met were really pessimistic and a bit condescending, and I thought, well, I’m not going to be dissuaded, so I just kept doing my search.  (After this) is when I found out about foster family agencies. And it’s not the same at the foster family agency. It’s not the same. It’s confusing, but foster family agencies are the free services that are available in every state, where your master social workers will guide you through the system. Completely different; it absolutely led us on the path to our daughter.

Addison:  You said that, in spite of some of the stories and some of the people you met, the majority of foster parents and social workers that you ran into were really positive and inspiring people. Without breaking anyone’s privacy, what’s a story that you’ve come across that really touched you as you were journeying along the road?

Nia: I met a woman in, let’s just say, another state, who has been foster mother to approximately 40 kids over the years, and her picture wall is filled with letters and cards and pictures of them at college, all over the walls – at college with their families, pictures with their kids; I walked around that room, it was a museum of good karma.

Addison: It sounds so beautiful that she fostered forty kids, and in a very real way remained family with them for the rest of their lives.

Nia: Yes, some people aren’t able to adopt. Some people are looking to foster and give kids a loving home. They’re fantastic people. And that’s what was so surprising to me, because all I’d heard in the media were like, “the story of the person who did it for money,” or “the story of this,” and it’s so disheartening how jaded the media can be. So I thought, well, I’ve just got to write this book and push back with the good stories, the ones I saw with my own eyes.  As I mentioned, I got an award in Washington, and I met a man who runs a group home for kids. These kids all looked like a basketball team of happiness. And they’re all surrounding him and loving him, and they were honoring him that night.

Addison: That is so happy.

Nia: Yeah, those are the stories that I want to tell.

Addison: I wish I could have been there.   One of the things you said that really stuck out was that some people rappel really quickly into adoption after fertility issues, and you said a decision made in fear is a reaction instead of an action. But at the same time, when you met your daughter – when you actually heard about your daughter for the first time, you knew right away that she was the one. So, two really different types of decisions can happen really quickly, how do you distinguish between the two?

 

Nia: I think the answer is fear. If there’s a nagging feeling inside that “you have to do this. You have to do this.” You probably should question that feeling and ask yourself are you doing it out of fear. If there’s an urging feeling, a feeling of “this is it,” usually I respond to that better. When I met my daughter, – I mean, when I got the call, I actually got a tingling in my fingertips, and knew this was it. It was such a strange feeling. And when we met, as I describe in the book, there was no doubt that this is why it all happened. I felt the connection to the Universe, in the, “Ah – you have a plan, and God has a plan, and your plan doesn’t count.”

Coming Attractions

I’ve got a few fun posts coming out over the next two or three weeks. And I figured, since this is a movie blog, it would fit to run some “coming attractions!” – Although, it might not be quite the same without that deep movie-trailer voice guy.

Here are some upcoming posts & some site-related news:

Tomorrow, I interview Nia Vardalos about her upcoming foster care/adoption book “Instant Mom.” Have any questions you want to see as part of the interview? Mention them in the comments! 

 I’ll be hitting the theaters to review The Croods, which looks like a fun kids' film.

I'll also be looking at the adoption connections in Tina Fey's new film, Admission.  

I’m reviewing a documentary called “The Invisible Red Thread.” Fifteen-year-old Vivian was adopted from China as an infant. She lives in Canada, but always wonders what her life would have been like if she had grown up in China. Through the help of the filmmakers, Vivian is connected with Shu Min, who was adopted by a Chinese family at the same time Vivian was adopted by her Canadian family. The documentary follows Vivian on her trip to China.

I’m taking a look at the film “Camp,” which was inspired by foster-kid-centered Royal Family Kids’ Camp. Camp will hopefully be playing near you soon.

          May the 4^th is coming up, and I’m a geek.  Keep an eye out for a series of Star Wars Adoption Movie Reviews.  Some other upcoming reviews of movies already-on-Netflix: The Jungle Book, X2 and X-Men: The Last Stand. Also look for an upcoming kids’ book review on Shel Silverstein’s Lafcadio: The Lion Who Shot Back

   I’ve collected links to Amazon’s pages for each of the movies I’ve reviewed so far, and put them all in the “Store” tab.   I’ve also added a “send me to the movies” opportunity, in case you want to partner with Adoption at the Movies by buying me a movie ticket.

-         If you haven't seen it yet, the Facebook page is nearing 750 likes!

-          Have any movies you want reviewed? Let me know!

Adoption Movie Guide: What To Expect When You're Expecting

This one’s for people considering adoption, especially if they’ve also dealt with infertility.

Five couples are trying to become parents. Each story is unique, each circumstance is different. Jules and her boyfriend conceive unexpectedly, and Jules gives birth to a girl through very painful labor. Gary and Wendy have wanted to be pregnant for a long time; they’ve finally decided to take a break from concentrated efforts at conception and are surprised to become pregnant. Wendy then undergoes a life-threatening C-Section, but produces a son. Gary’s father Ramsey has married a young woman named Skyler. She easily conceives and gives birth to twins. Rosie and Marco have a one-night-stand. She gets pregnant, but miscarries. Davis learns that he has a toddler-aged daughter that he’s never met. Holly and her husband Alex can’t conceive, and instead decide to adopt from Ethiopia.

How is This Relevant to Adoption?

Many (but not all, and perhaps not most) considering adoption have had some experience with infertility. The bothersome process that has turned sex into a chore for Gary and Wendy will be familiar to some viewers. The mixed feelings – and bitterness – that Wendy feels when another woman gets pregnant very easily will also be familiar to some. People say unwittingly hurtful things, “You’re so good with kids; you should have one. Don’t wait too long.” This crushes Holly, who loves children but who is infertile. Many viewers will relate. One family suggests adoption as a possible future option, and another actively pursues it, in spite of the husband’s doubts and in spite of financial worries. 

Strong Points

This movie shows that many people have difficulty around fertility and pregnancy. This movie proves that you’re not alone.

The movie shows the different forms of stress that come along with infertility: stress in the couple’s relationship, stress involving parents and in-laws, stress involving pregnant friends, and stress within oneself, grieving and wondering  whether this is “my fault.”

Infertility is an unexpected twist in any couple’s journey, and couples struggling with infertility can feel alone – both in their infertility, and in the fact that for everyone else, pregnancy seems so easy. This movie at least suggests that, while people have different challenges, most people’s journeys towards parenthood involve quite a bit of difficulty, tears, and tension. And it allows you to be irritated at those few people who seem to be oblivious to the fact that the road is usually hard.

 

The Ethiopian adoption agency requires parents to swear to help the child they adopt, “always remember his Ethiopian heritage.”

Adoptive Movie Guide: Moonrise Kingdom

Sam is spending time with the Khaki Scouts, taking a break from living at his foster home. His parents died recently. His behavior in the home, and at the camp, has been problematic. He feels unpopular, but he has made one friend. Suzy, the daughter of two belligerent local lawyers, also acts out. She is replaced in a church play, and is crushed to find that her mother is reading a book about raising “your very troubled child.” Suzy feels alone, but she has made one friend. Sam and Suzy have secretly exchanged letters for a year. They finally agree to meet. They each run away – Suzy from home, Sam from camp, and both from their experiences of loneliness.

How is This Relevant to Adoption / Foster Care? 

Sam is in foster care because his parents died. Citing Sam’s behaviors as their reason, his foster parents decide that they will not allow him to return to their home after camp. Social Services is coming to take Sam back to a group home, but a local adult cares about Sam and offers to foster him.  Sam seeks for belonging (and finds it with Suzy, some scouts, and his final foster dad.)

Strong Points

Moonrise Kingdom depicts feelings of discouragement, the struggle to find belonging, and a cause for hope. Sam is able to stay in his city because one of the men in town cares about him and decides to foster him.

Sam confronts one of his tormenters directly, asking, “Why do you consider me your enemy?” He doesn’t get a good answer, and ends up fighting the boy – but his directness in asking the question is admirable.

Challenges

Adoption Movie Guide: The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

Burt is unpopular; even his mother misses his birthday party. On his birthday, Burt received a magic kit and was encouraged by an instructional video which promised that by becoming a competent magician, Burt would make people love him. His first friend, Anton, was attracted to him by magic. Burt and Anton spent time together practicing illusions and devising new ones. Eventually, they became Vegas headliners. Ten years later, Burt and Anton have a falling out; Burt has became proud and arrogant and has driven Anton away. Burt’s stage career suffers as a newer, edgier magician becomes far more popular. Burt ends up playing to smaller and smaller venues, and eventually becomes an entertainer at a retirement community. There, he meets his childhood idol, rediscovers his love of magic, and becomes a humbler person. He apologizes for past wrongs, makes amends with Anton, and resumes his successful career.

 

How is This Relevant to Adoption / Foster Care? 

The movie opens with ten-year-old Burt being chased through the neighborhood by bullies. After they rough him up, he goes home to an empty house. Although it’s his birthday, the home is empty. His mother has left him a note saying that she’s bought him his favorite cake. Unfortunately, it’s a mix, and Burt has to go to the store to get eggs to make his own birthday cake, which he then eats alone. He is promised that if he becomes a good magician, people will love him. Sure enough, he forms a friendship with Anton over their shared interest in magic.

Kids get picked on for lots of things. The wrong brand of shoes, the wrong accent, the wrong taste in music, or a physical or learning disability are often enough to subject a child to ridicule and feelings of loneliness. The same is true for kids in foster care; other kids tease and adults often unfairly expect ill of foster kids. An already painful situation is made worse by insensitive peers and adults. The desire to be loved and to have friends is shared by all kids, and perhaps felt particularly poignantly by kids in foster care. They’ll probably understand Burt’s grief at being alone and rejoice with him when he makes a friend. The theme of “missed birthdays” is very relevant to many kids in foster care.

 

Strong Points

A Vegas hotel owner encourages Burt to break his partnership with Anton because Anton is “homely.” Burt valiantly sticks up for his friend, saying “Anton and I are a team.” Burt is rewarded when both he and Anton are given a long-term performing contract.  The film presents a positive message, “You need your friends, and you’re not doing yourself any favors by pretending that you don’t.” Burt and Anton eventually affirm that they will always be friends with each other.

 

Challenges

Adoption Movie Guide: Oz the Great and Powerful

Oscar Diggs is a small-time magician working small-town circuses. He has visions of greatness, and is frustrated to be playing to such small audiences, for such small sums of money. Several women are interested in his magical persona, and one in particular is heartbroken at his lack of ability to commit. She explains that all she wants is for him to be a “good” man. He doesn’t want to be “good.” He wants to be “great.” He has his chance at greatness when a tornado takes him to the land of Oz. A prophecy there has foretold that a wizard would drop from the sky and save the land. Oscar is identified as the wizard. He accepts this title because of the honor and riches it involves, but later admits that he is no wizard. He eventually uses his illusions to save the land. He thanks Glinda the Good for believing in him; she explains, “I knew you had it in your all along.” Oscar asks, “Greatness?” Glinda replies, “No. Better than that. Goodness.”

What Does This Have To Do With Adoption?

Oscar is struggling with identity. A friend tells him, “You could be good, if you wanted to.” He explained, “I don’t want to. I don’t want to be a good man. I want to be a great man.”Most children and teenagers struggle to develop their identity. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs suggests that identity development happens after more basic needs (survival, safety, love/belonging, and esteem) have been met. Kids who have not consistently experienced the fulfillment of their needs for safety, love or belonging, may find their task of self-actualization (or identity development) clouded. Instead of simply becoming “good” people, kids may feel the need to earn esteem or their place in their family by achieving things that will make them “great.”

Adoption at the Movies on the Radio

I recently did my very first radio interview! KSMU, a local radio station, covered Adoption at the Movies' nomination to the 2013 NASW Media Awards. They also gave me a chance to talk about how movies can help families communicate. They posted the recording of the 2-minute broadcast and a transcript. Check it out!

flickr.com/PoloGoomba

KSMU Adoption at the Movies Radio Story

Coming later this week: Adoption Movie Review of Oz the Great and Powerful!

Twelve Things You Can Do to Make Sure Your Adoption is Ethical

Watching Beasts of the Southern Wild started me thinking about ethics in adoption. I know I wrote some hard things yesterday. If you're on this site, you probably want to have an ethical, kid-centered, health-building adoption. I want to be a part of making that happen.

Here are some of my gleanings from the online adoption community, and from my own practice as an adoption social worker - twelve things that you can do to make sure your adoption is an ethical one.

Here are twelve ways to make sure your adoption is an ethical one:

flickr.com / Tsahi Levent-Levi

Ask Questions   

1. Ask your adoption agency how they find children who need to be adopted.

2. Ask what sort of counseling that they provide to the child’s first family. Is their counseling a balanced representation of all options geared at helping the person make the choice that’s best for them, or is it a one-sided “sales pitch”?

3. Ask whether they still extend full services to women who, after contact the agency, choose to parent their child – or, do they only provide services if the woman says she’ll relinquish, but only provide referrals if she decides to parent?

4. Ask how actively they pursue the involvement of the birth father. Do they seek his input and participation, or do they just do the legal minimum standard of notification and assure you that he “probably won’t show up.”?

5. Ask how thoroughly they train and assess adoptive parents.

6. Ask how they feel about openness. Do they speak of it as a wonderful commitment, or as something that adoptive parents can agree to, but then quickly change their minds on, once an adoption is finalized? 

Do Your Research

7. Research the adoption practices in the country you’re considering adopting from.

8. Research your agency – if they’re “for profit” their motivation might more easily be on the side of pleasing the adopting parent (and although that sounds good, it increases the risk of unethical treatment of the birth parents.)

9. Speaking of that term, "birth parent" – does the agency use the post-adoption term “birth parents” for women who are still pregnant? That might communicate an expectation which makes it difficult for pregnant women and expectant fathers to feel like they have the freedom to make whichever choice they see as best.

10. If your agency is non-profit, check out their profile on Guidestar.org and see where they get their funds from and what they do with them. If they’re for-profit, try to figure out how they avoid being driven by profits rather than by people’s real needs. Friends of mine who were considering adoption once told me of a for-profit agency that would have charged them around $25,000 up front, and which expressed a commitment to encouraging pregnant women to choose adoption once they’d expressed an interest in it. My friends ended up adopting through a different agency. They expressed that it “felt like the agency was more on the birth mother’s side than ours,” but that they were comfortable with that balance. It seemed healthier that way.

11. Visit your agency’s website, and read the pages for adopting parents and for expectant parents. See if the message is consistent, or if they seem to say different things to different people.

12. Check out the Internet adoption community. There's lots of insight from all sides of the adoption community. Some excellent articles have been Shannon LC Cate's  “Ten Red Flags That Your Adoption Agency Might Be Coercive," Creating a Family's "Red Flags for Unethical Adoption Agencies" and adoptionbirthmothers.com's post, "Is Your Adoption Agency Ethical?"

These are some hard questions - but if you work through them now, you'll be able to proudly share your adoption story with your child.    Adoptive parents, birth parents, social workers, adoptees --- I'd love your input. Which questions belong on this list? Which don't really matter? Which should be added?


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Adoption Movie Guide: Beasts of the Southern Wild

Hushpuppy lives in “The Bathtub,” a small, forgotten, impoverished community in a mandatory evacuation area below a levee in southern Louisiana. Hushpuppy is very independent for a five-year-old. Her mother left when she was very small; her father, Wink, looks after her, but Hushpuppy and Wink each live in their own homes. The citizens of The Bathtub love their home, but it’s threatened by flooding because of the levee. Wink damages the levee to protect The Bathtub, but his action alerts local authorities to the presence of people in the unsafe area. Residents are forcibly taken to a shelter in a safer area; while there, Wink learns that he is very sick. When they have an opportunity, many of the residents of The Bathtub return to their homes. There, Wink dies, and Hushpuppy stands together with the other citizens of The Bathtub, setting his funeral pyre afloat.

What Does This Have To Do With Adoption?

Lou Lumenick of The New York Post called “Beasts of the Southern Wild” a “challenging but hugely rewarding film.” Its relevance to adoption lies in the challenge. Hushpuppy, Wink, and the citizens of The Bathtub are happy in their lives. Their lives aren’t perfect, though: Wink is always drinking alcohol, and most social workers would probably report him as a negligent – and possibly abusive – parent. The home is in squalor, the education provided at the school seems suspect, the residents are deeply impoverished, and the town they live in isn’t really safe. But yet, for them, this is home. Outsiders who are better-off – in safer physical environment and with more resources, impose their help on residents of The Bathtub, but at the first opportunity, the residents of The Bathtub go back home.  The outsiders didn’t understand the importance – or the value – of the community in The Bathtub.

The difficult (but, rewarding) adoption connection is the point of view that this movie provides. Imposed help isn’t always welcome (and might not even be the best choice.) Adoptive parents and adoption professionals might not agree with the point-of-view this movie suggests, but would be prepared to show sensitivity by at least understanding it. From some points of view, many adoptions follow the pattern of imposed help. The child is growing up in (or is about to be born into) an environment that, from an outside point of view, seems underprivileged. In many international adoptions – but also in domestic adoptions – children are often adopted from impoverished families into well-to-do families, from unsafe neighborhoods into safer neighborhoods, and from less normative family circumstances into circumstances that are thought to be more “normal.” In “Beasts of the Southern Wild,” the help is forcibly imposed. That shouldn’t be the case in adoptions – but sadly, sometimes, it seems to be. Many birthmothers share their stories online of being coerced or emotionally pressured into relinquishing their babies. As a social worker, I’ve heard (not many, but not zero) adoption agencies express that they do put emotional pressure on birth parents to go through with relinquishments. Stories exist of children being unethically freed for international adoption. In the case of foster care adoption, the “help” is forcibly imposed.

Are you uncomfortable yet?

It’s not an easy connection to make, and it’s not an easy viewpoint for some to see.  And it also doesn’t apply to every situation. The point of the movie isn’t, “imposed help is bad.” The point of this review isn’t “Adoption is bad.” Many birth parents enter willingly into adoption; the difficulty inherent in making an adoption plan isn’t in itself evidence of coercion or of a bad decision. As a former foster care social worker, I know that many times, children are brought out of horribly abusive situations and actively desire a safer, more stable family. Adoption isn’t bad. It can be a very positive thing.

But the movie does raise two very powerful questions that every prospective adoptive family, and every adoption professional, should consider. Here they are: “How will I be sure that the agency with which I join my life is an ethical agency?” and, “Is adoption the form of help that this family needs right now, or would family maintenance or financial support be more in line with what they need?”

If your answer is, “Well, I really just want a child, so I don’t want to think about this” – then you’re probably not ready to approach adoption. Adoption should be driven by a child’s need for parents, rather than parents’ needs for a child. When you do work through those questions, you’ll be ready to be an ethical, child-centered, excellent parent.

Strong Points, Weak Points, and Recommendation

Beasts of the Southern Wild is very thought-provoking, and it shows that strengths exist alongside weaknesses. The movie is a bit heavy for most kids, who might see it as boring, confusing, or too frightening. It’s nearly a must-see for prospective adoptive parents and for adoption professionals.

Questions to talk about together after the movie:

·         How can you be sure your adoption is an ethical one?

·         Does the family from which you’re adopting need/want that form of help, or would they parent their child if a different form of help was extended to them?

·         Did Wink and Hushpuppy need forcibly-imposed evacuation? If you don’t think they did, how do you justify letting them stay in such a difficult situation? If you think they did require imposed help, how do you justify taking adults away from the place they love as “home?”

·         If you were a social worker responding to a call about neglect, would you have taken Hushpuppy into foster care or recommended monitoring her but leaving her with Wink? Why? If you took her into foster care, what recommendations would you make for Wink in order for him to regain custody of Hushpuppy?

·         Would you be rooting for him to get his life in order and get her back, or would you expect that he couldn’t have anything more than a surface-level change, and hope that Hushpuppy would be quickly adopted from foster care?

·         How do you see this movie relating to your adoption story?

Find this article helpful? You might also want to read:

-         Too Old for Adoption?

-          Too Single for Adoption?

-          When it all goes right

-          Adoption Movie Guide: The Tigger Movie

You might also want to follow Adoption at the Movies onFacebook. 

Adoption Movie Guide: Escape From Planet Earth

Gary and Scorch Supernova are brothers. Scorch is muscular, athletic, and wildly popular. His job as a space ranger earns him fans and endorsement deals. Gary is older, smaller, very smart, and somewhat nerdy. Gary works as Scorch’s mission control specialist. Gary’s son, Kip, looks up to Scorch. Unbeknownst to Gary or Scorch, the leader of the space ranger agency has been conspiring with a military leader from The Dark Planet. Scorch is sent on a mission to the Dark Planet, and Gary goes after him to keep him safe.  Along the way, Gary struggles with resentment over years of feeling treated as “less than” Scorch, but also earns Kip's admiration.

  

How is This Relevant to Adoption / Foster Care? 

Kids could resonate with Kip, Gary, or with the villain.

Children who have been separated from siblings via foster care may resonate powerfully with Gary. His brother is far away and – for all Gary knows – dead or in danger.  In anger, Gary says that he hopes Scorch “gets stranded,” but then sets off to rescue him. Along the way, Gary struggles with many feelings – anger at his brother over insults of the past, fear at the thought of losing him, guilt over hurtful words said in anger, and a desire to prove himself to be “good enough” to earn admiration from other family members – all of these feelings could be particularly familiar to kids from separated sibling sets.

Kids in foster care might resonate with a scene where Kip sets off on his own in an attempt to rescue Scorch. Although Kip’s parents are making phone calls to try to organize a rescue of Scorch, Kip feels that they are not being proactive enough. Kids in foster care may feel like their parents, their social workers and their foster parents are not doing enough to make sure that their case moves forward.

The villain turned evil because he lost his parents. More on that later.

Strong Points

Gary shows courage in setting off to rescue Scorch. Kip was also prepared to show courage, but Gary went in his place. Many kids in foster care are parentified – they have taken the caring/nurturing role over other children and even, sometimes, over adults. Kip was about to do that for Scorch, but Gary stepped up. That could be a positive model for some children who need to see examples of adults taking responsibility for adult-level roles.

Challenges

Adoption Movie Guide: X-Men

In X-Men: First Class, gifted mutants and non-gifted regular humans were at the brink of war. Two leaders were in disagreement about the role mutants should take; Magneto gathered a group of mutants who believed that other people couldn’t be trusted. He expected that others would feel threatened by the differences between themselves and the mutants, and would attack the mutants. Charles Xavier believed that the two sides could overcome their differences and live at peace. Unfortunately, Magneto seems to be proven correct as X-Men opens. Senator Kelly is advocating laws that would make mutants register themselves. Magneto and Xavier both oppose this; Magneto prepares an attack that will make Senator Kelly experience life as Magneto experiences it. Xavier secretly trains mutants, encouraging them to view their differences as gifts. Rogue is a particularly gifted teenager who has difficulty seeing her gift as a good thing. Xavier wants to help her expand her potential, but Magneto wants to use her to further his cause.

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

As with X-Men: First Class, the story is based on one group of people being misunderstood by another, larger group of people. Young adoptees may feel ostracized by their friends for being different; older adoptees often feel misunderstood by society, family, and friends.

This movie introduces a character that some teenage adoptees might identify with. Rogue’s gift is that she is able to survive in difficult situations by taking energy from other people, and by temporarily assuming the ability of other mutants. Some adoptees (especially ones who’ve been through foster care), may feel – or may have been told – that they take a lot of energy. And yet, they’ve also been able to adapt to (sometimes many) different home environments.

Wolverine’s ability to rapidly heal might resonate with some children who’ve experienced trauma. Wolverine also has a self-defense mechanism (claws) which he acknowledges hurts him every time he uses it.

All of the Mutants take on new names.

Strong Points

X-Men does a fine job of showing the impact that mindset has on a person’s development. Xavier explains that Magneto, “believing humanity would never accept us… became angry and vengeful.”

Xavier’s care for the gifted youngsters appears selfless and unconditional.

Challenges

Xavier tries to convince Wolverine to join the school. He attempts to entice Wolverine to join by promising to help Wolverine piece together his past. While I appreciate Xavier’s nod to the importance of Wolverine’s past, I wish that the information wasn’t offered conditionally. Wolverine should have the right to know his past (even though it is traumatic,) regardless of whether he helps Xavier. Wolverine eventually leaves on a journey to find his answers.

Rogue kisses a boy, but because of her mutation, he goes into a coma for weeks. She decides that she cannot touch anyone. This isn’t an unusual pattern: A kid may feel as though she hurt the people around her, so she goes into an impenetrable shell. The movie seems to affirm that Rogue is right, but in real life, a child struggling with these feelings needs to be encouraged not to be unreachable and not to blame themselves unjustly.

Magneto encouraged Mystique to embrace her uniqueness in X-Men: First Class. In this film, Wolverine encourages Rogue to trust Xavier. He explains, “Not many people will understand you. Xavier is one of them. He seems to genuinely want to help you. And that’s a rare thing for freaks like us.” – The encouragement is in a good direction; adoptees can be helped by finding people that understand them or who have had similar experiences – the Internet has lots of adoption blogs that could be helpful.  On the flipside, the quote would be better if Wolverine suggested that being understood wouldn’t always be rare. 

Weak Points

There are some scenes which could be troubling: families are separated by Nazi soldiers, and mothers and children scream for each other.  A child is struck by the butt of a rifle. There are some violent scenes.

Recommendations

X-Men fits the same audience that X-Men: First Class did. Violent scenes would make this a bad choice for young kids and for teens who have experienced violence. For many teens age 12-17, though, this movie raises excellent questions about self-acceptance, expectations of others, feelings about one’s self, and worldview.

Questions for Discussion after the movie

In the opening narration, Xavier says that mutation “has enabled us to evolve.” Which characters seem to have the most useful mutations? 

How have you evolved or adapted?

How have people responded to you being adopted (or in foster care)? What do you think of their response?

Wolverine forgot much of his past, and what he remembered was traumatic. What do you remember of your past? What do you wish you could remember? What parts of it were pleasant?    Have you ever wanted to search for more answers? We would help you!

Rogue wasn’t able to touch anyone because of her mutation. How do you think she felt?

Who understands you?

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You might also like:

Adoption Movie Guide: X-Men: First Class

Adoption Movie Guide: Batman Begins

Adoption Movie Guide: Superman The Movie