12 Movies to Rewatch With Your Kids

The act of sitting together as a family and watching a favorite movie can be a comforting family ritual. Here are twelve favorites that could start a year-long family tradition!

January: Toy Story (1995) – Kids will love the thought of their beloved toys coming to life when their backs are turned. This theme shows up in other movies (Pinnochio, The Christmas Toy, and (kind of) Wreck-It Ralph all come to mind), but Toy Story does it very well. Kids might resonate with Woody, a cowboy who feels a bit displaced by a new toy, Buzz Lightyear. They’ll cringe when a neighborhood bully takes out his frustrations on other toys. And hey, watching this together right after Christmas could probably spawn some new imaginative play with toys they’ve forgotten about.

February: The Princess Bride (1987) – Is there a better Valentine’s Day movie than this one? Girls will love Buttercup (I’ve been a groomsman in two different weddings where the bride wore a Buttercup dress!) Boys might groan with Fred Savage at it being “a kissing movie,” but they’ll appreciate the swordplay. And honestly, Vizzini (“Inconceivable!”) and Fezzik (“Anybody want a peanut?”) might be even cooler than the leading characters. Just make sure your little ones can handle the Fire Swamp, the Rodents of Unusual Size and the Pit of Despair.

March: Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989) – Why not inspire some Spring-Break outdoor play by watching kids get shrunk to sub-ant size! Your backyard might take on a whole new mystique after watching this film together.

April: The Sandlot (1993) – Celebrate Baseball’s opening day with this story of childhood in the 1960’s. Kids will relate to teasing but might be inspired by Benny, who sticks up for the bullied Smalls. After watching this movie, why not head outside for your own neighborhood game of pick-up baseball.

"Go, Matilda, Go" - Amanda Woolston on Matilda, Stereotypes, Strong Female Characters, and Adoption in the Movies

"What if you asked other adoption bloggers to share about the movies that have been important to them?" 

I'm really glad my wife came up with that question. Adoption at the Movies is hosting an ongoing, sporadic series of guest posts about the intersection of real-life adoption and movie-adoption, which has so far featured Lori Holden on The Blind Side, Social Jerk on Precious, and Shannon LC Cate on Rosie O'Donnell's "A Family is A Family is A Family" . 

Today, Amanda H.L. Transue-Woolston of The Declassified Adoptee and The Lost Daughters (and honestly, a few other places - Amanda is everywhere!) shares about a movie that inspired and empowered her as a preteen. Enjoy!

“Go, Matilda, go!” I whispered excitedly to myself.  I watched the screen as the little girl pointed to various objects in her living room, bringing them to life.  Matilda danced in a circle as household items flew playfully around her in her telekinetic grasp.  Music from the family stereo played a happy tune as Matilda set a deck of cards swirling around her like confetti caught in a whirlwind.  Matilda beamed happily, one of her first expressions of pure joy in the movie.  She had a superpower, and nothing was going to stop her now.

Matilda Wormwood (played by Mara Wilson) first appears in the movie Matilda (1996) at her birth.  The movie is based off of a book with the same name.  Her parents immediately express their disappointment over her gender; a disappointment that translates into continuous belittling and neglecting of Matilda throughout the movie.  Matilda’s other brother proves to be no greater an ally, often berating the little brown-eyed girl himself.  Matilda’s father (played by Danny DeVito) is a dishonest used car salesperson.  Her mother (played by Rhea Perlman) stays at home by day and attempts to supplement the family income by night by playing bingo.   Matilda finds more trouble when she starts school as her new friends and their kind teacher are confronted daily by the antics of the mean principal, Ms. Trunchbull.  Matilda soon develops a superpower; she can move objects with her mind.  She uses her telekinesis to help solve problems and protect her friends.  At the end of the movie, her parents leave her in the hands of her teacher, Ms. Honey, who adopts her upon Matilda’s request.

  

I cheered for Matilda when I watched this movie because I identified in some way with her experience.  

Adoption Movie Guide: The Empire Strikes Back

This is the fifth in a series of six adoption-themed movie reviews on the Star Wars series. Some background: Around 40 years ago, there was no father. Anakin left his mother to be raised by a group of philosopher/warriors called Jedi; he returned to find that his mother had been kidnapped. He found her, but she died in his arms. Anakin grew very angry and, following his anger, he betrayed the Jedi and became devoted to his new mentor, the Emperor, an evil Sith lord, who renamed Anakin “Darth Vader.”  Anakin had married, but his wife died in childbirth while giving birth to twins, Luke and Leia. When Anakin learned of this, he grew even more angry and even more inextricably linked to his evil master. Twenty or so years passed, and Anakin’s two children have survived. They are raised separately and do not know of each other, or of the truth about their father. Leia was raised by politicians and is a princess. Luke is raised by extended family members. As young adults, Luke and Leia are engaged in a war against their father’s forces. They meet each other and, without realizing that they are siblings, fight side-by-side and develop feelings for each other.  In The Empire Strikes Back, Luke and Darth Vader learn about each other. Darth Vader searches for Luke. When they meet, Luke learns the truth that Darth Vader is his father.

How is This Relevant to Adoption?

Luke’s family and his mentor, Obi-Wan (Ben) Kenobi, lied to him about his father. Ben told Luke that  Anakin was killed by Darth Vader. Now, Luke finds out the truth. While they are dueling, Darth Vader tells Luke, “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.” Luke replies, “He told me enough. He told me you killed him.” And Vader responds with the crushing, iconic line, “No. I am your father.” Luke screams, expresses his disbelief, and rather than joining his father, falls to his likely death. Although he survives, he cannot force thoughts of Darth Vader from his mind, and tearfully asks, “Ben, why didn’t you tell me?”

Darth Vader is obsessed with finding Luke. He has been ordered by the Emperor to bring Luke into the Emperor’s service. Vader is a very gifted Jedi, and so the Emperor believes Luke will be, as well. Vader’s mixed motives are apparent – he wishes to rule the galaxy with his son, and also has extreme allegiance to the Emperor. He declares that Luke will “join us or die.”

Strong Points

There is a strong sense of loyalty between Luke and his friends.

Luke is advised not to give into his anger.

Challenges

Some children in foster and adoptive families do not know their birthfathers. In many circumstances, they don’t even know much about their birthfathers. Like Luke, they are given little information or even misinformation – and, as with Luke, this is often done in an effort to protect the child’s feelings. Luke  thought about his father all the time, and seemed to have deeply-held knowledge of the truth; in a vision, he sees his own face inside of Darth Vader’s mask. Luke grieves that he was not told the truth about his father. Children without knowledge of their birthfathers may experience life much like Luke – their thoughts and fears are left unspoken, hidden from friends and family who mistake questions as unhealthy and mistake silence as a healthy lack of questions. This film could help parents become more sensitive to the inner thoughts of their children. It points out that keeping secrets doesn’t stop a child from having questions.

Young adoptees viewing this movie might find it difficult: it seems to confirm their fears about birthfathers – after all, when Luke finally meets his father, they meet as enemies. Even before they meet, Vader is unpredictably violent – which might play into specific stereotypes of birthfathers from which children may draw their own fears.

Luke and Leia share a kiss in this movie, without realizing that they are siblings. Some adoptees worry that they may be attracted to someone without knowing that the person is biologically related to them. The relationship between Luke and Leia isn’t played up in this scene, but it still could be troubling for more observant viewers.

Weak Points

Small children might find some scenes scary; Luke is mauled by a Yeti, and his hand is cut off in a duel with Darth Vader. 

Recommendations

Parents watching this film could reflect on how Luke’s life might have been different had secrets not been kept from him.

For adoptees, the film might touch on fears related to beliefs about the birthfather, or on fears related to accidental attraction to an unknown sibling. While these fears are not universally held, they are very real for some adoptees, and they might seem particularly unpleasant, shameful, or difficult to talk about.  The best way to help is to ask directly, “some kids have worries about this – do you?” Be willing to take “no” for an answer. If your child does have worries, listen to them, show that you understand them, and help them find information that could help them understand their fears.

Questions for Discussion After the Film

How do you feel about how Luke found out that Darth Vader was his father? What would have been a better time / situation for him to learn this? Was it realistic of his family to believe that he would never learn?

Luke wondered aloud Ben, didn’t tell him that Darth Vader was his father. What do you think Ben’s answer would be? Do you think that answer is right?

For teens:

Luke thought about his father often. He had lots of questions. What questions do you have about your birthfather?

Luke and Leia kissed without realizing that they were brother and sister. Some kids who are adopted worry about that happening to them, and some don’t worry about it because it’s not very likely to happen. What about you?

Adoption Screams at Me by Deanna Doss Shrodes

About two months ago, Deanna Doss Shrodes posted about the ways that adoption themes in media can seem intrusive. I found her post powerful. She was kind enough to grant permission for it to be reposted here. 

Adoption Screams At Me

Does it scream at you too? If you aren't an adoptee, probably not.

It calls to me from all directions, becoming a painful cacophony in my soul at times.

  

Adoption -- the teddy bear, rainbow and unicorn version -- clamors for my attention the way it seems to adore doing.

Communicating at me instead of with me.

The only place adoption usually communicates with me is when I'm surrounded by other adoptees, and a very rare handful of relationships of understanding . Otherwise, it communicates at me, and expects me to line up.

And when I don't line up, it can sometimes become the most ugly, nastiest beast I've ever encountered.

  

In those moments, I long to escape. Pushed to the edge of an emotional cliff, I want to leap off and disappear, away from all the people wearing rose colored glasses and holding cups of kool-aid.

Why do so many TV shows and movies have adoption themes woven therein?

It could be a sitcom, or reality show, or anything really.  

flickr.com / stevendepolo

On the first night of our recent family vacation to the Berkshires, my family wanted to get movies and settle in for a night by the fire. I said, "Great! I'm all in. But no adoption themes, please. No orphans. No babies out of wedlock. No birthmothers relinquishing and crying. No heroic AP's flying in on their magic carpets to save the day. None of that.  Pick something else."

  

"No problem," they said. And they scampered off to choose two movies and came back convinced they had done just as they agreed to.

We settled in with hot chocolate by the fire, underneath blankets, snuggled up to each other. Popped in the DVD. The first movie began to play and imagine my shock when a horrific relinquishment scene was played out in front of my eyes. My family didn't bat an eye. They were numb, desensitized to the entire thing, even though a mother was transferring her baby to the arms of a stranger, while she sobbed and screamed, holding her arms toward the adoptive mother who walked away with her baby as a friend held her back.

It took everything in me to keep sitting on the sofa but I did.

Just like I always do.

Praise the Lord and pass the hot chocolate.

flickr.com / renee_mcgurk

On the heels of movie number one, movie number two went in the DVD player and imagine my shock when in the first five minutes of the movie, there came a train full of orphans. Again, my family did not even notice. It did not even register on their radar. They just sat there happily watching the movie as if nothing odd has just occurred.

I wanted to get up, and go sink down into a warm bubble bath in silence.

But I didn't.

I stayed there because I love my family. And I want to be with them.

And no matter how much I explain it, I'm really not sure  they will never grasp the reality of what this is like for me.

I'm starting to think maybe it's an unfair expectation for me to expect them to understand it.

It means so much to them that I watch movies with them. And,with the way adoption themes seem to weave into every show and movie these days to some degree, we may have little options otherwise.

If I got up and left every time they would probably just think I was overreacting.

As an adoptee, I don't see movies, nor the world with the same eyes.  I've tried to explain that I even struggle with animated movies. It seems most Disney movies have a theme of abandonment, adoption or significant loss somewhere in there.

Movies and TV are just the tip of the iceberg...

This week I visited two blogs that have been among my favorite for years. Neither has anything to do with adoption -- at all. Not even remotely close. But (drumroll please) it appears both blogs are shifting to a new direction as the writers feel the call to "redeem a child through the gift of adoption."

[sigh]

If I hear someone say redeem and adoption in the same sentence again I may need to be Baker Acted.

I've wanted to go to a popular leadership conference for pastors and staff members for a few years now. It's huge, attracting many thousands. I've just never planned my schedule to attend yet. So a few weeks ago, speaking of that particular conference, a minister-friend says to me, "Hey, you're involved in writing about adoption...did you know this conference is largely focused on adoption now? They really push it."

"Uhhh...no..." I said, my heart sinking. "I wasn't aware of that. Why would a leadership conference for pastors and Christian leaders be focused on adoption let alone 'pushing' it?" He informed me that amongst their teachings on leadership, they are addressing two areas: human trafficking and adoption. 

(I agree that both are similar, though not in the way most people think.) The friend went on to explain that the pastors who lead this conference are trying to stamp out human trafficking as well as encourage all Christians to adopt, following Jesus' command.

Hmmmm that was puzzling to me as I don't remember Jesus commanding us to adopt.

Yesterday was Valentines Day and friends who are neither adopted nor AP'S tweeted about their chosen way of celebrating the holiday this year: 

What are you doing for Valentines Day? Celebrate #adoption with me and so many others as we #spreadthelove.

I'm celebrating #adoption on Valentines Day! Join me! Link up your adoption story as we #spreadthelove!

Lord, we pray for families in the process of #adoption, for physical, spiritual and emotional provision.#spreadthelove

Today I'm praying for #orphans around the world, that they would find loving forever families. #spreadthelove

[double sigh]

Although I believe those in the orphan care movement mean well, many have no idea about this.

The world seems to have an absolute love affair with all things relinquishment and adoption.

It makes me want to move to a little cottage somewhere out in the middle of the forest.

I will still need wifi to stay in touch with my adoptee friends.

Deanna is an adult adoptee, a wife, a mother, and a pastor. Check out her site at www.adopteerestoration.com

Mr. Monk and Foster Care Adoption

Adrian Monk is a savant. A brilliantly observant detective, he is called by the San Francisco Police Department to assist in bizarre and difficult investigations. He is a former police detective. He struggled with obsessive compulsions for much of his life, and after his wife was murdered he became unable to satisfactorily control them. He lives alone, and his personal nurse is his main companion. The television series, Monk, ran from 2002-2009 and blended mystery, dark humor, and believably-acted characters to create an enjoyable show.

In the episode “Mr. Monk and the Kid,” a foster mother takes her five kids to a park. Two-year-old Tommy Grazer wanders off, and is found fifteen minutes later holding a severed, adult human finger. Monk is called to help the police figure out what happened, and he is introduced to Tommy. Monk takes Tommy on a walk, hoping that Tommy will retrace his steps and lead Monk to clues. While walking together, Monk and Tommy bond. A social worker informs the foster mother that Tommy will be removed pending a routine investigation, but confides to Monk that she is having difficulty finding an emergency home for him.  The episode (Season 3 Episode 16) is available for instant streaming on Netflix and (for free) on Hulu.

Watch Mr. Monk and the Kid on Hulu

How is This Relevant to Foster Care / Adoption?

Monk feels a strong connection to Tommy, largely because Tommy keeps saying “Monk.”  He offers that Tommy can live with him. The social worker quickly agrees, and Tommy immediately goes to live with Monk. Monk finds that he loves Tommy and hopes that Tommy will love him. He says that he will never let Tommy go; later, however, he admits that he cannot even care for himself. He allows Tommy to be placed with another family.

Strong Points

Single parenthood is affirmed as a difficult but rewarding task.

Monk asserts that he would do anything for Tommy – even die for him – because he considers him to be his son, even though they’ve only recently met. Monk’s quick, unconditional (and ultimately unselfish) love for Tommy is a positive characteristic for any foster parent to emulate.

Challenges

Monk’s rapid acceptance of Tommy is a good thing; Tommy’s rapid acceptance of Monk is a bit problematic. Tommy is an exceptionally friendly toddler who quickly feels comfortable with police officers, Monk’s assistant, a social worker, and ultimately Monk. While Monk was flattered and touched that Tommy took to him so quickly, Tommy’s indiscriminate, rapid attachment seems reflective of Reactive Attachment Disorder, and should probably be explored rather than celebrated.

Monk’s motives in taking in Tommy appear to be mixed. He cares for Tommy, quickly considers him a son, and is eager to meet his needs. However, Monk has been emotionally isolated for many years, and seems to depend on Tommy for emotional support and validation. This isn’t uncommon, but it is an unhealthily large burden to place on any toddler.

Weak Points

The social worker in the story is basically negligent. She places Tommy in Monk’s home without having Monk undergo any home study or background check. She fails to notice that Monk does not even have a bed for Tommy, and she ignores obvious clues that should have suggested that Monk wasn’t quite ready to care for a child (for example, Monk seems surprised that Tommy eats the same food Monk eats, and seems surprised that a toddler is “a person.”)

** BIG SPOILER ALERT **

The foster parents are money-hungry villains; the severed finger belonged to a violinist who they kidnapped for ransom. He is discovered in their garage, and the foster parents are arrested.

Recommendations

It can be interesting to see foster care and adoption themes in unexpected places. I usually enjoy Monk, but was bothered by the inaccuracies in this episode. I wouldn’t recommend this for kids; children who have had abusive foster parents might be triggered by the episode, and children who have good foster parents might be introduced to an unhelpful stereotype. Parents watching the episode might resonate with the thought that they would do anything for a child they love – even if they’ve met that child only recently.

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You might also enjoy these movie guides featuring a male adoptive-father-figure

Adoption Movie Guide: Admission

Adoption Movie Guide: Batman Begins

Adoption Movie Guide: Despicable Me

Adoption Movie Guide: Moonrise Kingdom

Adoption Movie Guide: Star Wars Episode IV - A New Hope

Luke and Leia were separated at birth. Their mother died shortly after delivery, and their father… Well… He’s Darth Vader. Neither child knows much about him, and they know nothing of each other. Leia was adopted by non-relatives, and Luke is being raised by his step-uncle and step-aunt, Owen and Beru Lars. In this film, Luke is told that his father was murdered by Darth Vader. Meanwhile, an oppressive, galaxy-wide government is trying to suppress any thought of revolution. Luke sets off with his father’s old friend, Ben Kenobi, to save the galaxy and to learn more about his father.

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

Luke and Leia were both adopted. As is the case in some adoptions, they don’t know about each other. They seem to know nothing about their birthmother, and only have misinformation about their birthfather. Yet, without realizing it, Luke shows similarities to his father – a great amount of strength in The Force, an adventurous spirit, and a propensity to whining. He also follows in his father’s footsteps – studying under the same master, growing up in the same neighborhood, and even working on the same droids.  

Strong Points

Luke shows much resilience. In the face of many losses, he demonstrates bravery, the ability to trust, and the ability to never give up. Leia is also brave, intelligent, and bold.

Challenges

Luke is curious about his father, and about his own history, but his uncle shuts down his questions. Luke eventually meets Obi-Wan Kenobi who was a close friend of his father, but is fed partial information and misinformation. Luke only learns the truth in a subsequent film – and even then Obi-Wan defends the misinformation as being “true, from a certain point of view.” The reluctance of Luke’s family and friends to share the truth with him is understandable – after all, his father is one of the most notable film villains ever. But Luke really did have the right to know, process, and make sense of his story.

5 Things You Can Do to Help Foster Families

Yesterday, I shared an article that a friend had forwarded to me, about Things Foster Parents Wish You Knew.

My friend also asked whether there was more I would add to the article. The article was robust and offered many suggestions. Here are a few other things you can do to support your friends while they serve as foster parents.

1) Trust the kids. Even if they don't deserve it. Sometimes they tell fanciful stories, and that's either a defense mechanism or a way of putting up a shell. Sometimes they lie to protect themselves. Never be offended that they lie to you. Your job isn't to fix them, just to show them that you care about them. Perhaps by extending trust, a child will become trustworthy. Extending trust says "You are trustworthy, or at least, I trust that you can become so." Being overly skeptical says, "I'm not offering you trust until you earn it." And even being a stickler for the kid to be honest right off the bat, kind of sets up an adversarial relationship. The most important thing when a kid first comes into your family's home isn't to instill in a him a behavior, it's probably to make the kid feel safe and loved.

2) Foster parents aren't allowed to spank their foster kids. Sometimes the friends of the foster parents say stuff like, "that's too bad. All these kids need is a good spanking." Please never say that. Many foster kids have been abused. All foster kids have been removed from a familiar environment and placed into an unfamiliar one. In neither case will corporal punishment help them adjust better, and honestly, adjustment & survival is more important in this instance than behavioral modification.

3) When foster kids are adopted, the law about spanking stops applying. Please don't suggest that, once the foster kids are adopted, then your friends should and will spank them. I've seriously heard people say this to foster parents and foster kids, and it certainly runs the risk of having a kid view adoption as a mixed bag.

4) If you live in town, see if you can run errands for the foster parents. Or even better, see if you can 

bring the foster kid with you while you run the errands. It'll give a couple hours' of respite to the foster parent, but it will also expose the foster kid to a different adult, different places, and different routines. If you stop for ice cream on the way home, it automatically makes you kind of the "cool aunt." And depending on the kids' age, you might be able to be a mentor, a confidant, a sort-of Big Brother / Big Sister.

5) Think about being a CASA. Court Appointed Special Advocates are volunteers that stick with a child throughout their journey through foster care. CASAs spend about 12 hours a month visiting with the child, getting to know them and the people around them, and representing their best interests in court. While foster parents, lawyers, social workers, judges, teachers and therapists all change with unfortunate regularity, CASAs are consistently there.

If you liked this post, you might also enjoy

Twelve Things You Can Do to Make Sure Your Adoption is Ethical

What to Expect if You Foster-Adopt

Adoption Movie Guide: Beasts of the Southern Wild

From Sharon Astik: What Foster Parents Wish Other People Knew

A friend recently forwarded an article to me, and asked if I’d add any advice for friends of future foster parents. I found the article really powerful, and since author Sharon Astik was gracious enough to make it public domain, I’ll reprint it in its entirety. If you want to see where it came from, check it out here: http://scienceblogs.com/casaubonsbook/2013/03/12/what-foster-parents-wish-other-people-knew/#comment-16718

What Foster Parents Wish Other People Knew

1. We’re not Freakin’ Saints. We are doing this because it needs doing, we love kids, this is our thing. Some of us hope to expand our families this way, some of us do it for the pleasure of having laughing young voices around, some of us are pushed into it by the children of family or friends needing care, some of us grew up around formal or informal fostering – but all of us are doing it for our own reasons BECAUSE WE LOVE IT and/or LOVE THE KIDS and WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES – we get to have these great kids in our lives.
We hate being told we must be saints or angels, because we’re doing something really ordinary and normal – that is, taking care of kids in need. If some children showed up dirty and hungry and needing a safe place on your doorstep, you’d care for them too – we just signed up to be the doorstep they arrive at. The idea of sainthood makes it impossible for ordinary people to do this – and the truth is the world needs more ordinary, human foster parents. This also stinks because if we’re saints and angels, we can’t ever be jerks or human or need help, and that’s bad, because sometimes this is hard.

flickr.com / James.Thompson

2. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY AROUND THE KIDS!!!!!! I can’t emphasize this enough, and everyone is continually stunned by the things people will ask in the hearing of children, from “Oh, is their Mom an addict?” or “Well, they aren’t your REAL kids are they” or “Are you going to adopt them?” or whatever. Not only is that stuff private, but it is HORRIBLE for the kids to hear people speculating about their families whom they love, or their future. Didn’t anyone ever explain to you that you never say anything bad about anyone’s mother (or father) EVER? Don’t assume you know what’s going on, and don’t ask personal questions – we can’t tell you anyway.

3. Don’t act surprised that they are nice, smart, loving, well-behaved kids. One of the corollaries of #1 is that there tends to be an implied assumption that foster kids are flawed – we must be saints because NO ONE ELSE would take these damaged, horrible kids. Well, kids in foster care have endured a lot of trauma, and sometimes that does come with behavioral challenges, but many of the brightest, nicest, best behaved, kindest and most loving children I’ve ever met are foster kids. They aren’t second best kids, they aren’t homicidal maniacs, and because while they are here they are MINE, they are the BEST KIDS IN THE WORLD, and yes, it does tick me off when you act surprised they are smart, sweet and loving.

Boston, Foster Care, and Intentional Responses to Others' Pain

I was driving my in-laws in from Saint Louis when I heard the news about the explosions at the Boston Marathon. An eight-year-old child was killed, along with two other people, and many more were injured. And the strange thing is, I don’t think news like this surprises us anymore. It saddens us, angers us, frightens us, discourages us, disheartens us. But it doesn’t surprise us anymore.

When we’re surprised, we often act out of instincts. Amazingly, the people closest to the crises often act with selfless courage. Todd Beamer led a group of passengers in an effort to prevent a fourth crash on 9/11. Videos and stories of Boston show normal people acting heroically in surreal situations. But those of us not at the site react, too. And so often, the reactions are not just anger, but rage. Not just fear, but hatred. Not just grieving, but soapboxing. When we’re surprised, we don’t often choose our responses. But rage, hatred, and soapboxing don’t bring about healing.

But news like this isn’t surprising anymore. I think that means that we can intentionally choose our responses. Offer prayers. Maintain hope. Spread peace. Comfort the frightened.

I hope it’s not insensitive to make this connection, but, in a way, I’m reminded of foster care. Many of the kids I worked with in foster care had been hurt by other people’s actions.  Sometimes foster parents react to the stories of what’s happened to the children with rage, hatred, and soapboxing. But other foster parents hear the stories, empathize, and respond with prayer, hope, peace, and comfort. Both sets of responses come from a caring heart, but the first set of responses only serves to feel the anger that the foster parent thinks the child should be feeling. “I’ll be angry for you.” The second set of responses joins the child where they are and offers help towards healing, “Bad things have happened to you. You can feel angry or sad or scared, or all of them, and that’s OK. I’m here to be with you, to help you heal.”

Let’s be intentional as we choose our responses to those who have been hurt by others.  

Adoption Movie Guide: Star Wars Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

Part Three in a Series about something that happened A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far Away…
You might also want to visit part one and part two

 Anakin and Padme married at the end of the last film, and now Padme is pregnant! Anakin is still bothered by the death of his mother, and continues to profess that he will never let anyone he loves die. He soon has dreams of Padme dying. In the meantime, the politician who studied Anakin in the last film has become Emporer. He seeks a private meeting with Anakin where he reveals that he practices a dark art which can prevent Padme from dying.

Although the Jedi have become Anakin’s family, the Emporer invites Anakin to betray the Jedi and serve at the Emperor’s side in order to save Padme. Anakin follows the Emperor, but in doing so alienates Padme. He is badly injured in a fight with Obi-Wan, who considered Anakin a brother. While Anakin is recovering from his injuries, Padme dies in childbirth.

The Emperor tells Anakin that Padme's death was a result of Anakin’s rage. Anakin cries out. Left with no one to love, he continues to serve the Emperor as Darth Vader. Two children were born to Padme, but they are hidden from Anakin. Their names are Luke and Leia.

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

Anakin never had a father and is faced with the prospect of becoming one. We aren’t told his thoughts. Throughout the first three movies, Anakin seems to have been looking for a father figure – first attaching to his owner, Watto; then to Qui-Gon, the Jedi who rescued him; then to his trainer, Obi-Wan;  and finally to the Emporer.

The people close to Anakin become fearful of him because of his anger. As a result, they choose to keep his children hidden from him. To Luke and Leia, Anakin will become a mysterious, absent, unknown birth father.

 

The children's mother dies in childbirth. One of the children is given to a senator, who explains that he and his wife “always dreamed of adopting a baby girl.” The other child is sent to live with his extended family. The siblings are not told of each others’ existence.

Top Ten Most Popular Adoption Movie Guides

Adoption at the Movies started six months ago this week, so I thought I’d use the occasion to figure out a couple top-tens about Adoption at the Movies. It might help you find articles you haven’t found yet.

Thanks for being here :)

Top Ten Most Popular Adoption Movie Guides

1. Superman 2

2. The Tigger Movie

3. Rise of the Guardians

4. Les Miserables

5. Beasts of the Southern Wild

6. The Hobbit

7. The Odd Life of Timothy Green

8. Jack the Giant Slayer

9. Despicable Me

10. Kung Fu Panda 1 & 2

Top Eleven Most Popular Other Posts

1. Nia Vardalos Interview

2. Book Review: We Belong Together

3. Twelve Things You Can Do to Make Sure Your Adoption isEthical

4. Too Old for Adoption?

5. Guest Post by Shannon LC Cate – A Family is… Raceless

6. Lori Holden Guest Post on The Blind Side

7. What I Learned in Intro to Psychology and How it Applies to Foster Care

8. Perfect Moment Monday: Some Moments Reveal Their Perfectionin Retrospect

9. Book Review: The Red Thread

10. Too Single for Adoption?

11. Adoptions in American History: Open or Closed

The Site, It is a-changing

Well, not too much. Just wanted to point out a few changes I made to the website in the last two weeks. The links that used to be up top are now on the side, and there's more of them. I also added an alphabetical directory in the adoption movie guide section, and created a "now in theaters" bar. I updated my biography on the "About Addison" page. I also added an Amazon Store, which basically links to Amazon's pages of the books and movies I review, in case you want to buy them.

That's really all that's changing. Oh, I also changed the cover photo from the old picture of the courthouse to a bunch of Little People hanging out on top of adoption movies. I think it's a cuter picture than the courthouse...

Some posts to look for over the next couple of weeks:

- Adoption Movie Guide: The Martian Child

- The Star Wars series continues with Episodes 3, 4, 5, and (on May the Fourth),  Episode 6: Return of the Jedi

- 5 Things You Can Do to Help Foster Parents

- 12 Movies to Rewatch With Your Kids This Year


What do you think of the changes I made to the website?   Do you miss the courthouse picture?  Are there any movies that you'd like to see reviewed here? Drop me an email, or comment below!

Modern Family and Cross-Cultural Adoption

I just watched my first episode of Modern Family, "The Future Dunphys," which aired on April 3. If you haven't seen it, my summary will probably be helpful. If you have seen it, my summary will be underinformed.

For the next few days, you could also watch the episode yourself on Hulu:

Here goes: Cameron and Mitchell are a two-dad family who have adopted Lily, a five-ish year old girl who was born in Vietnam. Lily's class has been discussing heritage. One of Lily's classmates explained that, because his parents are Italian, he is also Italian. Lily figures that, since her parents are gay, she must be gay. She tells this to Gloria, Mitchell's stepmother. Gloria is personally mourning her son's loss of his Colombian heritage, and so challenges Cameron and Mitchell to teach Lily about her Vietnamese heritage. They're woefully unprepared, so Gloria has them take Lily to a Vietnamese restaurant. Lily isn't really interested in her Vietnamese culture, and she only identified as "gay" because she wanted to be closer to her parents. They explain, "The three of us are a family even though we grew up in different places... We're a family because we love each other."


Strong Points

Cameron and Mitchell do try to provide Lily with access to her heritage.

When they realize she's not interested, they stop forcing it on her. It's important for them to make it continually available, but to let Lily be in charge of deciding how big a role it will play at any given moment in her life.

One character suggests that sometimes, parents obsess over their childrens' lives because they can't get their own lives and thoughts in order. This might not actually be true - but it does seem realistic that Gloria's own internal grief about cultural issues in her own family impacts the way that she instructs Cameron and Mitchell.


Challenges / Weak Points

Cameron and Mitchell haven't put much effort into learning about Lily's Vietnamese culture; they could only provide her with the most generic of information about Vietnam. Six hours later, and Lily has expressed that she hates Vietnam, and Cameron and Mitchell eagerly leave the restaurant. It's possible that they might consider the "cultural education" part of their parenting responsibilities finished. They shouldn't.


Questions for After the Show

On a scale of 1-10, how important is it, to you, that a child adopted cross-culturally has the opportunity to learn about and experience their birth culture?

On a scale of 1-10, how important is it to you that the same child takes the opportunity to learn about their birth culture each time they're presented with it?

Is there a difference between the two answers? How would that difference play out in real-life parenting?



The episode is still available on Hulu, and probably will be for the next five days or so. Check it out. www.hulu.com/watch/474727


Afterthought

A friend's comment on the Facebook page made me think a bit more deeply about this episode and my review. Here's a little more of what I'm thinking.

Mitchell and Cameron were glossing over Lily's heritage - in fact, they didn't really know anything about her heritage. That wasn't good. One of the things that's frustrated me the most as I've trained prospective foster/adopt parents is when they suggest that a child won't have a heritage beyond that of their adoptive family, or that a child won't or shouldn't want to learn about their heritage. I've been much more impressed by families that actively incorporate their child's heritage into the family. In the course of working as a social worker, I've also learned about my own heritage - My skin is white, sure, but I've learned to value my roots as a Polish person. I wish that Cameron and Mitchell would learn much about Lily's culture, and incorporate it into the family's daily life. It didn't go that way in the episode. The way that it happened seemed to be that a friend pressured them into taking Lily to a Vietnamese restaurant, with the expectation that a conversation with a waiter and a bowl of pho would make Lily understand what it means to be Vietnamese. The problems with that were that, Mitchell and Cameron have no idea about Vietnamese culture, the meal was at the insistence of a friend - not on their own volition or Lily's volition, and a one-off stop at a restaurant isn't so much incorporating Lily's culture into their life, but just trying to expose her to it, briefly. Also, Lily wasn't interested. In that instance, I wonder if their best course of action was to back off at that point, educate themselves more fully, and then bring it back to Lily - making sure that they're prepared to provide her with a real understanding of her culture, and to make experiencing her culture part of everyday life, rather than making it an addendum to life. I don't know if they're going to do that.

Like this post?

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Adoption Movie Guide: Choose Your Own Adventure Abominable Snowman

Did you ever read Choose Your Own Adventure books? A few pages into the story, an unseen narrator asks you to make a decision – if you choose to go with the stranger, turn to page 6; if you run away, turn to page 10. The choices you make lead to more choices, and each book usually had a dozen or more endings, some pleasant, and some unpleasant.

“The Abominable Snowman” is a Choose Your Own Adventure movie. Three siblings are called by Uncle Rudy, who is an adventurer. He asks them to join him in Nepal to hunt for the Abominable Snowman, and the kids go. Periodically throughout the film, the viewer is asked to decide between two courses of action, registering their selection on the DVD remote. (The first choice happens when, en route to Nepal, we learn that the plane may have a fuel leak. Do you jump out with a parachute, or stay in the plane, hoping for a safe landing?) There are eleven possible endings. The DVD case lists the movie as being 80 minutes long, but my two stories averaged around 21 minutes. The first story ended when I got swarmed by killer bees. The second story ended when I rescued my uncle.

How is this Relevant to Adoption?

The three North children, Crista, Benjamin, and Marco, have a strong familial bond. They travel across the world to help their uncle. We do not know where their parents are, and it’s easy to assume that their parents are deceased, as the children ask in one ending whether their parents “would have been proud” of what they accomplished? Also, it’s revealed early in the movie that Marco was adopted from Guatemala. His adoption does not play into the storyline, but it’s obvious that his siblings view him as fully part of the family.

Strong Points

Time-limited choices require kids to be decisive. A mix of positive and negative endings seems likely to reward wise choices and show the consequences of foolish ones.

Marco, like his older siblings, has strengths and weaknesses. Even though he is the youngest, his siblings recognize his wisdom and affirm, “We should listen to you more often.”

I was surprised to see such a positive portrayal of adoption. It’s part of life, he’s part of the family, and it’s not the only thing that defines the Norths as a family, or Marco as a person.

Adoption Movie Guide: Star Wars Episode II - Attack of the Clones

The second in a series of six about something that happened A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Away with the last episode posting, appropriately enough, on May the Fourth…

 In the previous film, nine-year-old Anakin left his mother (albeit with some trepidation) to become a Jedi. But how will he cope when voluntary separation turns into involuntary loss?

Anakin has grown into a teenager. He is gifted, and the Jedi are impressed with his skills but still fearful of his high level of fear. He is assigned to protect Padme; she is a young Senator, and attempts have been made on her life. This is fine by Anakin; he’s had a crush on Padme since he was nine, and he gets her to fall in love with him as he is guarding her. But Anakin gets a premonition that his mother is in danger. He has not seen her in the ten years since he left home. 

Following his premonition, Anakin and Padme defy the orders given to Anakin and return to his home world to protect his mother. He finds that she has been kidnapped. Anakin finds her, but she dies in his arms. Enraged, he kills every person living in the village where she was being held.  He confesses this to Padme, and she comforts him. They eventually marry. Meanwhile, a politician from Padme’s home world has deceitfully risen through the ranks of government to become a de-facto ruler of the galaxy. He has his sights set on Anakin.

How is This Relevant to Adoption? 

Anakin was separated from his mother voluntarily, but now he loses her against his will. She dies, and he believes that this loss is due to his absence.  Anakin expresses his belief that he fails his mother, and he develops a strong fear of any future loss. This fear of loss might have already been present, but it is heightened to the point where Anakin will do anything to prevent people he loves from dying – even killing many.

Strong Points

Early in the film Anakin confides in Padme that anxious dreams about his mother keep him from sleeping. Children who have been separated from their first family may often wonder and worry about the family members that they no longer see.  This is a very honest scene, and can open the door into discussions about kids’ anxieties.

Open Adoption Blogger Interview

I recently enjoyed being interviewed by Heather Schade of Open Adoption Bloggers. We talk about how I started blogging and how the online adoption community has influenced me. I also share about some of the bloggers who've already shaped my work, and I name my two personal favorite posts from Adoption at the Movies. I also tell my all-time favorite movie and two favorite books. I'll post the first question here, but please hop on over to Heather's site to see the rest. And let me know what you think of my favorite movie!


Heather: Tell us about yourself and your connection to open adoption

Addison: Before I started writing "Adoption at the Movies," I was a fost/adopt social worker in Southern California. Our adoption division was so new, and I was one of the first workers assigned to the adoption department; because of this, I was able to write a good deal of the training materials that the agency uses. I asked to write the openness curriculum. As I researched openness and started talking with fost/adopt parents about openness, I realized that, although people assumed that closed adoption is the historical norm, it really only became common after World War 2. I heard the fears that prospective adopters had about openness - and many of their fears were the result of under-information or misinformation. I started feeling a strong desire to help new fost/adopt parents overcome their fears about openness, understand it more broadly, and commit to act in the best interest of their child.



Keep Reading @ Open Adoption Bloggers! 

While you're here, why not follow Adoption at the Movies on Facebook?

Adoption Movie Review - HBO Documentary - 50 Children: The Rescue Mission of Mr. and Mrs. Kraus

Gilbert and Eleanor Kraus left Philadelphia in 1939 in a heroic effort to bring back 50 children from Nazi Germany. Steven Pressman’s hour-long documentary about the Kraus’ draws from Eleanor’s diary and is punctuated by interviews with several individuals, now in their senior years, who were rescued by Gilbert and Eleanor. 50 Children: The Rescue Mission of Mr. and Mrs. Kraus debuts on HBO Monday, April 8 at 9:00 Eastern/Pacific.  It plays on HBO and HBO2 on eight other occasions throughout the month of April; check here for other show times.

How is This Relevant to Adoption / Foster Care? 

There are several connections to foster adoption, infant adoption, international adoption, and older-child adoption. The children rescued by the Kraus family were brought across national borders into a summer camp in the United States, and eventually moved into US foster homes. As is the case in private adoptions, parents were required to decide whether to allow their children to leave with the Kraus’. As in the adoption of teenagers, the children were asked whether they would be willing to go with the Kraus’. And as in many forms of adoption, in an effort to protect and provide a safer life, children were separated from siblings and parents without certainty of reunification. Historical data in the documentary suggests that the move to the US saved these lives, and interviews with the survivors suggest that they still feel grief over their separations from loved ones. 50 Children is about the rescue of Jewish children from Nazi-controlled countries prior to the Holocaust, but adoptees in the audience may resonate with some of the circumstances and some of the mixed emotions expressed by the survivors.

Strong Points

The documentary does a good job of soliciting the stories of the survivors, the Kraus’ children, and, through Eleanor’s diary, the Kraus’ themselves.

Some documentaries about violent periods in history have unexpected, graphic footage. While historically accurate, the footage can  be very troubling to younger viewers or viewers who have experienced or witnessed violence in their own lives. This one does not employ such footage, and as such may be a safer film than others.

Think About It…

It’s difficult to evaluate a documentary on something as historically important as the Holocaust, while also relating its relevance to adoption, and to do so both thoroughly and tactfully, but that’s my sincere goal here. To that end, in this review, I’ve changed my typical section headings from “Challenges” and “Weaknesses” to “Think About It…” and “Potentially Tough Spots.”

Sometimes it’s tempting for people to view adoptive parents as “saviors.” This is often bothersome to the adoptive parents and the people who are adopted. It’s possible that someone could view the Kraus’ as heroes, and then apply the tag to adoptive parents they know. For what it’s worth, the documentary describes the Kraus’ as “not saints” but as people who did a selfless thing. That’s a healthier view than hero worship, and it would probably be a fitting description of many adoptive parents – not saints, but people who ongoingly do a mostly selfless thing.

The documentary debuts on Holocaust Remembrance Day.  The Kraus’ demonstrated courage in the face of danger. While many documentaries have unexpected glimpses of graphic footage, this one does not; if you want to educate your children about this time in history, this seems to be a safe documentary to do it with. At the same time, kids who are adopted might have been told indirectly that they were saved by their adoptive parents – that’s a lot of emotional baggage to put on a kid. It would be important to help an adopted child watching this film realize how their pre-adoption life differed from the life which would have awaited the Jewish children in Nazi-controlled countries.

Potentially Tough Spots

The Kraus’ only had 50 slots available, and this required them to make selections of which children they would save. This must have been a heart-wrenching process for the Kraus’, the children they rescued, and the parents of the children. It could be heart-wrenching for some adoption-touched viewers – some who have “survivor’s guilt,” and some who might inwardly align themselves with those who were not chosen.

Some survivors acknowledge never seeing their parents again, which could be traumatic to some viewers touched by adoption.

50 Children is narrated by Alan Alda

Recommendations

This has the potential to be a powerful, moving experience for parents and children. It doesn’t sensationalize emotions or violence, and is a mostly positive portrayal of selfless, courageous people. It’s running several times on HBO and HBO2 over the next three weeks, so you might check out the debut and decide whether to see it with your children. For what it’s worth, the Friday April 12 4:30 PM time might suit kids better. If your kids can handle the potential emotional triggers, it’s worth watching.

 

Questions for Family Discussion after the movie

Why did the Kraus’ decide to go to Europe? Why were their friends worried about them going?

How do you feel after watching this documentary?

The children were sad about leaving their families. As adults, they are both sad about some parts of their story, and happy about others. Is it OK to be sad, even though some good things have happened to you? Are you ever both sad and happy about adoption? What other parts of life do you have mixed feelings about?

If you found this review interesting, please think about connecting with Adoption at the Movies on Facebook or following on Twitter.    You might also enjoy these articles:

Adoption Movie Guide:  Beasts of the Southern Wild

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